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Cameron Frye
Samwise Gamgee
The Sidekick: Good-hearted hobbit with a coun’ry accent. The one Gollum memorably refers to as a “stupid, fat hobbit”. Best friend to Frodo, resident of the Shire and generally an adventure-phobe – until he embarks on a quest to destroy the One Ring.
The Awesome: He’s everything that Gollum’s not. Loyal to the point of self-sacrificing, it’s his unending optimism and love for friend Mr Frodo that gets the pint-sized heroes through their perilous quest. He’ll make you cry every time.
If They Turned To The Dark Side: It would be because nobody loves him as much as he loves them. We imagine a desperate Samwise inventing an AphroRay, and hitting everybody in the world with it so that they love him forever. Terrifying.
Sloth
The Sidekick: Poor Sloth (aka Lotney Fratelli) has a bashed-in face thanks to being dropped by his mother as a baby. Rather frequently. Still, his heart is beautiful even if the rest of him isn’t.
The Awesome: Exhibit a) natty T-shirt and suspenders combo. Exhibit b) a brilliantly joyous laugh. Exhibit c) “Hey youuu guuuys!” We rest our case.
If They Turned To The Dark Side: Sloth’s not really a big thinker, but he’s big in muscle mass, so he’d probably end up the henchman of a James Bond villain.
The Genie
The Sidekick: Fast-talking, shape-shifting wish-granter who’s set free by street urchin Aladdin and grants him three wishes. He talks. A lot.
The Awesome: Never was there an animated Disneyverse character more colourful than the Genie. Thanks in part to Robin Williams’ inexhaustive energy, the Genie is a nuts, never-endingly entertaining invention.
If They Turned To The Dark Side: The Genie is indeed swayed to the dark side thanks to evil Jafar, though the Genie himself has no natural inclination to either side. If he did, we’d call him God.
Rocco
The Sidekick: David Della Rocco aka The Funny Man used to work as a henchman for the Yakavetta clan, but is enlisted by Connor and Murphy MacManus to rid the Boston streets of evil. Together, they first take out Rocco’s old boss Vincenzo Lipazzi, then cut a bloody swathe through the city.
The Awesome: You’ve got to admire a man with morals in one hand and a firearm in the other - let alone the resolve to use said firearm in a crackpot scheme to rid the world of evil. Rocco, you’re alright.
If They Turned To The Dark Side: Been there, done that.
Doc Brown
The Sidekick: Genius inventor, whose happy misfortune of cracking his head on the bathroom sink led to him discovering time travel.
The Awesome: Brown clearly has heaps of style – he decided to use a DeLorean as the shell for his time machine. Also, any man who can still pull off dashing with that shock of Einstein-inspired white hair gets the thumbs up in our books.
If They Turned To The Dark Side: He’d go back in time and do exactly what Biff did, except he’d change the outcomes of some wars first in order to crown himself King Of Earth.
Hit-Girl
The Sidekick: Mindy MacCready is a 10-year-old whippersnapper who covets guns like they are Barbies and is trained by her father to be an unstoppable killing machine. Technically, she could stand on her own, but for purposes of ensuring she’s on this list, Hit-Girl also passes as Big Daddy’s sidekick.
The Awesome: The fact that Dave calls her a cross between John Rambo and Polly Pocket says it all. Controversy-courting swear words aside (well, they made us giggle), Hit-Girl can cause all kinds of damage, and always come out on top. We want to be her.
If They Turned To The Dark Side: She’d grow up and kick Catwoman’s furry behind.
Walter Sobchak
The Sidekick: Vietnam vet Walter uses his experiences fighting in the war as a yard stick for all hardship in the world. If you didn’t die “face down in the muck”, you’re fine in Walt’s opinion. Is otherwise indisposed on Saturdays, his religious day of rest.
The Awesome: He’s a mental bloke with a gun, a grown-out buzz cut, and the coolest shades this side of Top Gun . What’s not to love?
If They Turned To The Dark Side: He’d wage war on skinny blokes who drink herbal tea, heading up an army of aviator-wearing skinheads.
Cal Naughton
The Sidekick: NASCAR driver Cal is known as The Magic Man, and is best friend to number one (not 11) racecar driver Ricky Bobby. “I like to think of Jesus as wearin' a Tuxedo T-shirt,” he says, “’cause it says, like, ‘I want to be formal, but I'm here to party too.’ I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.”
The Awesome: Aside from being liberal and modern when it comes to his religion, Cal has the admirable skills of a true sidekick – namely sticking by his buddy when things get rough.
If They Turned To The Dark Side: Naughtonism would take over Scientology as the religion of modern day. Wait, is that really evil?
Ed
The Sidekick: Marijuana shifter Ed basically lives on best mate Shaun’s couch. Luckily he comes in handy when a zombie infection sweeps the planet, helping Shaun to track down his parents and girlfriend Liz.
The Awesome: When you splutter lines like “cock it!”, “gayyy” and “oi! prick!”, you know you’re onto a winner. Also, Cornetto’s do rule.
If They Turned To The Dark Side: Well, he is a zombie now…
