The Original: Arnie teams up with Danny DeVito for this big-man-little-man comedy about a pair of unlikely twins who were separated at birth.
It’s funny because one’s tall and one’s short. Do you see?
The Sequel: A Meet The Fockers -style family comedy set at Christmas, as Danny and Arnie’s respective clans come together for the festive season.
It will be funny, because one family is tall, and the other is short. Do you see?
Essential Scene: Some of the presents get mixed up under the tree, meaning Danny ends up with a jumper that comes down to his knees and Arnie gets one that’s far too short. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. Ahhhhh…..
Essential Dialogue: Danny has to drag the Austrian Oak up the stairs after one too many whiskeys. “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother,” quips DeVito before giving himself a hernia.
The Running Man (1987)
The Original: A dystopian thriller based on the novel by Stephen King, The Running Man plunges Arnie into a frightening vision of the future where America has become a police state and the most popular show on TV involves criminals fighting for their lives against trained killers.
The Sequel: 20 years after the events of the first film, The Running Man is still going strong, even after the demise of original host Damon Killian.
When Arnie’s son is banged up for a crime he didn’t commit, the old-stager must come out of retirement to re-enter the game world if he is to save his flesh and blood from the death penalty.
Essential Scene: Jeremy Kyle makes his bow as Rich Basterd, The Running Man’s new European host.
Essential Dialogue: “I’m too old for this shit,” says Arnie every five minutes. “So are we,” grumble audiences everywhere.
Raw Deal (1986)
The Original: Arnie takes on the Mafia in this classic ‘80s blaster, playing a former FBI agent turned small-town sheriff charged with bringing down a powerful crime family from the inside.
The Sequel: Mark Kaminsky might be back on the FBI’s books but that doesn’t mean he’s above getting his hands dirty.
When Davy Patrovita (son of the patriarch of the first movie) starts making threats to Kaminsky’s family, it’s time for our hero to sort out some unfinished business.
What was that sound? That was the rulebook going out of the window.
Essential Scene: A shootout in the cemetery where the senior members of the Patrovita family are buried. It’s symbolic and shit.
Essential Dialogue: “Hasta La Vista, Davy” quips Arnold, getting his sequels mixed up.
The Original: The DeVito-Schwarzenegger laughter train is back on the rails again, this time casting the double-act as a pair of gynaecologists, one of whom impregnates himself.
Implausible and creepy in equal measure, it makes Twins look sensible by comparison.
The Sequel: Arnie’s pregnant again, but this time…(wait for it) he’s having twins!
Naturally, the world’s media is all over his case, with nasty scientist Christopher Lloyd wanting to capture him for research purposes.
Can Arnie go on the run with a pair of nippers weighing him down? Of course he can, he’s Arnie!
Essential Scene: Arnie must disguise himself as a woman again, to avoid the attentions of Lloyd.
Cue a “hilarious” scene in which he attracts the unwanted advances of a lecherous Dolph Lundgren.
Essential Dialogue: “Uh-oh, I’m in double the trouble,” gurgles Arnie as the results of the ultrasound come in.
The Original: Seminal action fare in which Arnie plays retire Special Forces badass John Matrix, who is forced back into action when his daughter is kidnapped by the same team of mercenaries who wiped out his former unit.
The Sequel: Jenny Matrix is all grown up, but has fallen in with the wrong crowd thanks to her shady boyfriend (Giovanni Ribisi).
When her useless other half runs up some gambling debts he can’t pay off, Jenny is kidnapped once more, and poor old John is forced to come out of retirement for a second time.
Kids eh? More trouble than they’re worth.
Essential Scene: A shamefaced Ribisi turns up at Arnie’s door to explain the situation. We wouldn’t want to be in those shoes…
Essential Dialogue: “Okay,” growls Matrix, “this time it’s personal. Just like last time.”
Kindergarten Cop (1990)
The Original: Arnie turns to comedy again as John Kimble, a hard-ass cop forced to go undercover as a kindergarten teacher.
The unwitting forerunner to the diabolical “action star does kids movie” genre that spawned such greats as The Pacifier , Mr. Nanny and The Tooth Fairy .
The Sequel: Arnie returns in University Cop , in which Kimble pitches up as a lecturer trying to bust the resident campus pot dealer.
Essential Scene: Arnie finds himself by Megan Fox’s amorous student in a scene specially written by the great man himself.
Essential Dialogue: “Keep off the grass” chortles Arnie after wiping the floor with his weed-addled nemesis.
Red Heat (1988)
The Original: East meets West mayhem in which Arnie’s soviet bobbie is teamed with Jim Belushi’s wise-ass cop to take down a ruthless Georgian drug-lord. Classic buddy-comedy hi-jinks ensue.
The Sequel: When Arnie learns that his old friend has been gunned down in a botched liquor-store robbery, he returns to Chicago to take out the trash responsible.
Rob Schneider plays the mouthy US cop charged with helping him out.
Essential Scene: Schneider lets one go in the squad car. “Now I know why dey call it the Windy City,” snarfs Arnie.
Essential Dialogue: Having tracked down his prey, Arnie indulges in a little trash-talk: “Welcome to the United States of Pain!” he snarls. “Population...you.”
Total Recall (1990)
The Original: Philip K Dick adaptation in which Arnie plays Doug Quaid, a mild-mannered builder whose world is turned upside down when he visits the Rekall company, a firm offering an injection of somebody else’s memories. It’s set in the future, obviously…
The Sequel: A reality-querying mindfuck in which Quaid attempts to establish whether his life is actually his own, or whether he is instead living within a Rekall memory. Trippy stuff, man.
Essential Scene: A chance to see Arnie’s facial acting in full effect as he silently wrestles with the idea that his happy new life might be the figment of somebody else’s imagination.
Essential Dialogue: “I think…therefore I am,” muses Quaid, before shooting someone in the face.
True Lies (1994)
The Original: Daft but fun action caper with Arnie as secret agent Harry Tasker, who gets his unsuspecting wife (Jamie Lee Curtis) involved in his latest mission when he learns she is on the brink of having an affair. As you do.
The Sequel: We learn at the end of the original that Helen Tasker has joined her husband at Omega Sector, so the follow-up could chart their adventures as a pair of super-spies. It would be like Killers , only not complete shit.
Essential Scene: Jamie-Lee seduces a drug baron only for Arnie to burst in at the last minute and throw him out of the bedroom window. Teamwork.
Essential Dialogue: Arnie finds out his other half has been working for the bad guys all along. “Til death us do part” he sniffles as he blows her away with a twelve-gauge.
Last Action Hero (1993)
The Original: Arnie sends up his action-star persona, with this inventive blend of metaphysical musings and crowd-pleasing explosions. Odd, but undeniably good fun.
The Sequel: A Charlie Kaufman-directed exploration of the self, in which Arnie’s character Jack Slater must come to terms with the fact that he is a fictional character. Whilst blowing some more stuff up, obviously.
Essential Scene: Slater mopes his way through his latest film, half-heartedly punching some villains as he contemplates his lack of free will.
Essential Dialogue: Okay, this is from the first film, but we love it so much, we want it repeated. “You want to be a farmer? Here’s a couple of acres!” shouts Arnie, before booting his enemy in the balls. This will never not be funny.
The Original: Political intrigue meets massive guns in this booming thriller that casts Arnie as a US Marshal working for the witness protection programme.
When a scientist from an arms company comes under his protection, Arnie must help her prevent a conspiracy that could put US security in the toilet forever…
The Sequel: Having effectively erased himself at the end of the first film, John Kruger is enjoying a well-earned retirement in the peace and quiet of the countryside.
However, it soon emerges that he hasn’t been quite as thorough as he first thought, and before he knows it, Kruger must go back on the run from another wave of corporate baddies.
Essential Scene: Arnie is doing some colouring-in on his front porch when he finds himself caught in a hail of gunfire. Looks like retirement is over…
Essential Dialogue: Arnie confronts one of his old colleagues, who is understandably startled. “But…but…you’re dead,” he splutters helplessly. “Ya,” agrees Arnie grimly, “I got better.”
Hercules In New York (1969)
The Original: Arnie’s debut feature, in which he plays Hercules, the son of Zeus. Bored of his life at Olympus, Hercules demands to be allowed to pay a visit to earth, where he gets himself into all manner of hilarious scrapes…
The Sequel: He was a professional wrestler in the first film, so what could he do in the sequel. Maybe he could go into….politics? President Hercules anyone? It’s got something of a ring to it…
Essential Scene: A cameo from George W. Bush as an angry redneck who throws his shoes at Hercules. Satire, yeah?
Essential Dialogue: “My Fellow Americans…” begins Arnie, in his inaugural speech. We say “Arnie”, although naturally all his lines will be dubbed. By Bruce Campbell. Imagine that!
Jingle All The Way (1996)
The Original: Arnie plays a mattress salesman (yes, really) attempting to buy his son a Turbo-Man action figure on Christmas Eve, a mission that leads him a merry dance across town through a series of improbable set-pieces. Ho-ho-ho.
The Sequel: You’ll recall (maybe) that the first film ended with Arnie realising he’d forgotten to buy something for his wife.
This more downbeat sequel would chart the tale of how she leaves him, alienating him from his son, and plunging him into a struggle with alcoholism. Festive stuff, no?
Essential Scene: Arnold flies into a booze-fuelled rage when he sees a department-store employee dressed as his old nemesis Turbo-Man…
Essential Dialogue: “Hey! Santa!” yells Arnie at a helpless Saint Nick. “I’m dreaming of a fight Christmas.” He proceeds to batter him senseless.
Batman & Robin (1997)
The Original: Joel Schumacher plumbs the depths with this ultra-camp bat-farce, replacing any semblance of credibility with a surfeit of homoerotic outfits and naff puns. Arnie’s Mr. Freeze is the scenery-chewing low-point.
The Sequel: Okay, so we don’t actually want to see a straight sequel to Batman & Robin , but we would love Chris Nolan to give Victor Fries the treatment he deserves. Arnie playing a depressive scientist, haunted by the need to cure his cryogenically frozen wife, with nary a catchphrase in sight? It could work!
Essential Scene: An origin-establishing sequence in which we see Fries run up against Ferris Boyle, the employer who discovers he has frozen his wife using company equipment…
Essential Dialogue: “Greetings Batman…my name is Victor Fries.” We’ll have no “a freeze is coming” histrionics this time around, thank you very much.
End Of Days (1999)
The Original: Arnie goes head-to-head with Satan himself in this barmy action-horror hybrid, playing the excellently named Jericho Cane, a private security man charged with protecting a rather cloven-footed businessman…
The Sequel: Hmm, it’s a bit tricky given that Cane snuffs it at the end of the original.
However, logic isn’t a prized commodity in Arnie’s line of work so we’ll have God send him back into the land of the living for one last job, when Satan rears his ugly head again.
Essential Scene: Arnold is dumped back onto earth as naked as the day he was born, in a nod and a wink to the Terminator series.
Essential Dialogue: “You can’t defeat me Cane,” snarls Satan, “I’m too powerful.” “Go to Hell,” is Jericho’s considered response.
Conan The Destroyer (1984)
The Original: Uber-camp fantasy romp in which Arnold’s titular swordsman goes on another swashbuckling adventure. Less violent and less humorous than the first film, problems that clearly needs addressing with another sequel…
The Sequel: Conan gets a 3D update, with Arnold benefitting from some 300 -esque CGI wizardry to recreate the chiselled torso of his heyday. As for the plot? Er, something involving an enchanted amulet, some midgets and Grace Jones.
Essential Scene: Arnie is caught in a clinch with Jones, bringing back haunting memories of A View To A Kill.
Essential Dialogue: Conan hacks an evil wizard into pieces. “Abra-cadaver” he guffaws.
The Sixth Day (2000)
The Original: Arnold has been replaced by a clone! No, not Vin Diesel, an actual clone of himself.
There’s an illegal cloning operation going on you see, and our man knows too much. Fortunately, Arnie’s clone is as much of a bad-ass as the original…
The Sequel: A buddy comedy in which Arnie and his clone set about fighting crime together. Double the Schwarzenegger? Double the fun! Probably…
Essential Scene: A tearful climax in which the clone dies in the original’s arms. Or is it the other way around. Hmm, this could be problematic.
Essential Dialogue: The Arnies double-headbutt a villain to the floor. “Two heads are better than one,” they chorus.
Collateral Damage (2002)
The Original: Schwarzenegger’s last starring role sees him on the hunt for terrorists, after his wife and child are tragically killed in a bomb blast. With scenes of air-hijack proving problematic, the film was shelved for almost a year after the 9/11 attacks.
The Sequel: Having become a hero for preventing an atrocity in the first film, Gordy Brewer has become a specialist terror-buster for the US government.
When a new plot to blow up the White House comes to light, Brewer’s investigation doesn’t lead him overseas, but to the heart of a domestic conspiracy…
Essential Scene: Brewer takes on a crew of hitmen within the walls of the White House itself, spearing the last one with an American flag.
Essential Dialogue: Brewer jams a pen through a terrorist’s eye, before breaking into song: “Oh say can you seeeeeee….!”
The Expendables (2010)
The Original: Arnold crops up for a cameo in Sly’s love letter to the action genre, indulging in a bit of back-slapping with fellow bruisers Stallone and Willis. Pity he didn’t actually get to kick any arse…
The Sequel: Given that he’s no longer weighed down by his political responsibilities, why not give Arnie a starring role in the mooted Expendables sequel?
If Dolph can still pack a punch, then surely Schwarzenegger can? Come on Sly…make it happen!
Essential Scene: Sly is pinned down by a host of gunmen, only for a machinegun-toting Arnold to wipe them all out…
Essential Dialogue: …“I told you I’d be back,” says Arnie, to gales of applause in cinemas everywhere.
Stay Hungry (1976)
The Original: Bob Rafelson’s gym-set comedy earned Arnie a Golden Globe for his performance as Joe Santo, an Austrian bodybuilder (obviously) whose carefree lifestyle inspires Jeff Bridges’ moneyed heir.
The Sequel: A sex farce set in the gym purchased by Bridges and Schwarzenegger at the end of the first film.
Can Jeff keep the business solvent whilst Arnie harasses the female punters? We’ll have plenty of laughs finding out…
Essential Scene: Jeff is trying to balance the books in his office when he is interrupted by a screaming young woman who bursts out of the changing rooms. “SANTOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he yells…
Essential Dialogue: “No lunch for me,” says Lorraine, a visiting investor, “I’m watching my figure.” “Why don’t you leave that to me,” chuckles Arnie, winking.