Under The Sea
Look kids - fish! We're really glad Pixar forced Andrew Stanton to abandon John Carter and get back to making what we all really want - a hand-drawn Finding Nemo seq... Wait, what? Sorry? Oh, this is Ponyo, apparently.
Here comes the warm-voiced Disney trailer man to kick off the narration: "He has been hailed as one of the greatest filmmakers of all time." Michael Bay finally gets his due!
"This summer, Hayao Miyazaki, director of the academy award-winning Spirited Away, releases his next masterpiece." Oh, hang on... Not Bay. That makes more sense. He's just put out a film too, though.
It's a ship! With fins! Swimming among the sea. This is how you know you're definitely in Miyazaki territory. Either that, or someone slipped LSD into your drink.
Home Sweet Home
Rod Stewart's house, circa the 1970s. Okay, not really. This is our heroine's - who will come to be called Ponyo - father, who believes she has a mission in life.“We’ve all been waiting for you…”
Ponyo's pop is voiced by Liam Neeson. Apparently his particular set of skills in this instance includes... keeping little kids in bubbles?
"The whole world is out of balance," he says. Looks like we're in for another set of kids who have to bring balance to their world, what with this and Last Airbender. We know which movie we'd rather see right now.
Waves Of Destruction
Look! A car! Being washed away by the waves! Eco-chaos! Ha! Beat, that, Roland Emmerich! Oh, right... Aircraft carrier vs The White House. You win this round, Roland.
"Ponyo, you have to trust me. You’re the only one who can save the planet. Do it now, do it!" Blimey dad... pushy much?
This lot are Ponyo's sisters. Looks like her dad's been busy. Might be more Mick Jagger than Rod Stewart, then...
Lisa Looks Out
This is Lisa, voiced in the US version by TF favourite Tina Fey! It's not often we see her do a dramatic role. “I’ve never seen the ocean like this," she says as waves crash. You've never seen Margate during the windy season, then, love.
So... So... Sosuke
This is Sosuke, Lisa's son and the boy destined to become Ponyo's friend/crush object. "Wow!" he exclaims, looking out at something. We're guessing a Lindsay Lohan nip slip. But we could be wrong.
Ponyo was born a goldfish, but desperately yearns to become a human after meeting Sosuke. The story was, unsurprisingly, inspired by Hans Christian Andersen's fairy story, which Disney previously adapted into.... oh, we're going to say Beauty And The Beast? Kidding...
Since she's of fishy nature, she naturally has a good rapport with the local fin sqaud.
"Good luck, Ponyo..." Cate Blanchett as the character we believe to be Ponyo's mother, once more cornering the market on ethereal, shiny-light ladies.
To The Surface!
Ponyo, with the help of her sisters, makes it to the surface, but her biggest challenges lie ahead. We'd make a crack here about avoiding whaling ships, but it's probably not culturally sensitive.
“What is that?” shouts a sailor as Ponyo and her fishy mates break the surface. What, never seen a fish-girl and a load of whales shooting out of the sea before? Amateur.
"Dear Agonyy Aunt column, today I chased after the boy I like while surfing on the back of the whale. Is this coming on too strong? Yours, Ponyo. PS Sorry the letter is soggy."
Betty White! Sold! We're in. Actually, we doubt she'll be able to unleash her notoriously fun potty mouth in what is clearly aimed at kids.
But we're anxious to see Miyazaki's latest - it looks amazing, with some stunning animation. And while the storyline might not be as mature as some of his other films, we're sure it'll be loaded with charm.
Come on Disney, give us a British release date! And not straight to video - we want to see this thing on the big screen...