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Holy shit, bet you weren’t expecting that. It’s OK - give your eyes a second to readjust from the neon water and we’ll move on to something less carcinogenic.
Bad Dudes (NES, 1990)
Bad Dudes is the ultimate ‘80s videogame, and this cover shows us exactly why. Never mind the title, the biker gloves, the white pants and the mullets – THAT HAND’S HOLDING A NINJA STAR! The only things you’d need to make this more appealing to 1980s kids would be pictures of sharks and scorpions. But Bad Dudes doesn’t need to pander. It knows that being a bad enough dude to rescue President Ronnie is incentive enough.
Double Dragon II: The Revenge (NES, 1990)
Meanwhile, anyone who actually played beat ‘em-ups in the ‘80s knows Double Dragon was way, way better than Bad Dudes. Its box art also featured nearly every ‘80s street-gang cliche imaginable, from the denim vests and leather accessories to Mohawks and (spiked balls attached to) chains. It even had a sexy girl clinging to one of the heroes for protection, even if (as series fans know) it was the wrong hero.
Not ‘80s enough for you? Then check out the art for the computer version:
Above: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH
California Games (PC, 1987)
Before they saw it as a hotbed ofliberalism, everyone in America equated California with beach sports, which were a national obsession throughout the ‘80s. Riding the wave (HURR HURR) of that obsession was Epyx, which continued its series of Olympic-themed sports minigames with California Games, which they then decorated with a bikini girl’s crotch and several other things you only noticed after a few seconds of staring.
Dance Aerobics (NES, 1989)
Another obsession during the ‘80s was aerobics, thanks mainly to Jane Fonda selling like a bajillion workout tapes once VCRs became popular. Why it took Nintendo so long to get on the boat is a mystery, but there it is – the first-ever Nintendo game guaranteed not to appeal to boys, despite the presence of several neon-clad ones right there on the box.
Stadium Events (NES, 1987)
At first glance, there’s nothing terribly ‘80s about the box for Stadium Events (later re-released as the better-known World Class Track Meet). But if you look into its upper-right-hand corner…
Above: FAMILY
Actually, that explains why it took Nintendo so long to make an aerobics game – this image probably set gamers’ interest in it back a good two years.
Double Dare (NES, 1990)
Enough with the history lesson. Here’s a box covered in neon vomit about a game show where contestants get covered in neon vomit.
Ghost Lion (NES, 1992)
We thought fashions like this had completely died out by 1992, but no. Christ, even the Ghost Lion’s mane is full of hairspray.
Skateboard Joust (Commodore 64, 1988)
We’re not sure how this counts as a “joust,” but that guy’s launching a skateboard that says “DEATH” at some kind of winged Yeti and we are not messing with that shit.
Menace Beach (NES, 1990)
Few things say “badass” like a blond kid with arms growing out the sides of his head and palm-tree sunglasses. That goes double if he has a pink skateboard and is on an unlicensed Nintendo game decorated by neon squiggles.
Menace Beach is also noticeable in that it was re-released five years later as Sunday Funday, after publisher Color Dreams became Wisdom Tree and started selling Christian-themed games.
While slightly less horrible, the new box art featured the protagonist being chased by a Faulknerian man-child, so it all balanced out.
