Are we really in good hands?
To put it bluntly, Links really kind of a dick, and with the new Legend of Zelda on Wii U on everyone's minds, the truth has to come out about Hyrule's savior. What follows is a list of personality quirks that are more fitting for a sociopath than a mythical superstar. Maybe this is what we get for letting small, elfin children play with explosives. Or, maybe hes just born a jerk. Follow along and decide...
He gives everyone the silent treatment
Seriously, a lot of problems in the Legend of Zelda games could have been easily solved with a simple inquiry about how to, say, complete the Water Temple. Instead, Link's idiotic, aloof nature cost you both hours that youll never get back trying to solve it on your own.
He'll ditch his hero duties for pretty much anything
Link isn't the only hero that has trouble prioritizing. Not by a long shot. Side quests have led adventurers astray since the dawn of the adventure genre. But where other heroes have whole armies to pick up the slack in their absence, Link usually carries 99.9% of the responsibility in any given Zelda title. Surely he's aware of the stakes. He must know he's kind of a big deal. Given this, you'd think he'd stop farting around and get to business. But he won't. Why? Is it merely undiagnosed ADHD?
He has no concept of personal space
--AHHH WHO IS THAT KID IN THE GREEN TUNIC AND WHATS HE DOING BARGING IN HERE? No, I dont know him! AND NOW--oh, hell--NOW JUST THROWING ALL OF MY POTS AGAINST THE WALLS AND TAKING MY MONEY! Ok, go ahead, you little elf snot, take the cash! LORD KNOWS THAT SEXY BEAR RUGS ARE JUST LAYING AROUND AND...
...oh, where you going, baby?
He'll rob you blind without a second thought
True, heroes need money as much as regular folks. But judging by his habit of completely ignoring important quests for days, he could at least pick up a part time job to earn his rupees honestly like everyone else. At the very least, he can stick to slicing grass or exploring dungeons for cash like a respectable adventurer. All in all, there's no good reason Link needs to terrorize the good people of Hyrule for rupees. Unless... oh yeah... he's a dick.
Photo: WoodenNickelShorts
Hell burn your roof just to see if youre inside:
There are other ways to satiate your domestic curiosity, Link. First step: knocking.
Photo: Legendary Elf Quest: Burning Bush
He'll terrorize your livestock for kicks
There is the odd time Link that legitimately needs to borrow a cucco to help snag an item or complete an impossible jump. That's when his chicken abuse is warranted. At least it's for the greater good and blah, blah, blah. But where a gentleman might take a few seconds to return said chick--er, cucco to their rightful owner, Link prefers to toss them aside willy-nilly and hope they find their way back home. What's that Link? Cuccos are fed up with your crap and finally attacking you en masse? Good. Dick.
Hes probably macking on your girlfriend right now
Now, look, there's nothing wrong with flaunting it if you got it, and if two consenting adults want to rock the sheets, then que sera sera. But do you think for one second that he cares about the repercussions of those actions? Not a chance, friend. The dudes left Hyrule a sea of broken homes and crushed relationships, and all for the sake of a little siesta. World savior? Maybe. Dirt bag lothario? Absolutely.
He'd rather blast your wall then fix it
We get it; Link is saving the world and sacrifices have to be made. What we don't get is why Link can't peak in first to see if the damage is worth it, or at the very least chip in for repairs. After all, given his habit of chucking bombs wherever he damn well pleases, we're pretty sure Hyrule's insurance companies don't cover acts of Link. And heaven help you if you've invested in Goron real estate because you might as draw a target on every wall.
Hes always screwing with your sleep schedule
Found in the Ocarina of Time, the time-shifting tune freely grants Link the ability to change night into day whenever he feels like it. In his mind, our Alaskan brethren have it best with bright, constant sunlight for six months in a row, and if he can make it this way all the time, you can be damn sure he will. So what if the average Hyrulian farmer is unlucky enough to live through any sort of Ganondorf-led crisis? If Link cant sleep while saving the kingdom, neither will any poor schmuck residing in the same hemisphere. Sure, lack of sleep may explain a lot of Tingles hallucinogenic dialogue. Still, dick move, man.
He treats children like collectable trophies
No, Link picks him up by his feet and presents him to whatever god is controlling the whole shebang. He then deftly stuffs the child into his inventory sack like a burrito that he found in a dumpster. A class act, this guy.
He has no respect for the dead
Link's blatant disregard for the dead even extends to crypts and underground caverns. Again, Hyrulians have a weird habit of storing extremely useful items inside sacred places, but you'd think a "hero" would seek a family's blessing before desecrating Uncle Fitzroy's grave (or at the very least pay to bury him again). But not el-dicko, here. Frankly, we're surprised he doesn't spit on their corpses while he's at it.
But hes a smug, whiney child
Yes, the weekly animated Legend of Zelda television show existed, and essentially personified the worst offenders on this entire list making them horrifyingly manifest. Possibly the most terrible offense is that they took our largely mute hero and turned him into a person you wouldnt mind punching in the mouth during even your most Zen-like meditative states. Constantly whining and complaining while swiping what was once a legitimately funny catchphrase from Steve Martin makes us miss Link's blank stares. Even as dumb kids we could tell this show was bad, while today Link's annoying, animated characterization makes his other, more sociopathic flaws seem a lot more forgivable.
It's time to make a stand
Think about it.
This feature is paid for by the Moblin Foundation for the Return of Ganon. For more information, visit The Legend of Zelda memes: The best Zelda jokes and images we've seen.
