These incredibly NSFW Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom creations are why we can't have nice things

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Turns out two runes and a big stick absolutely destroy Tears of the Kingdom bosses

Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom NSFW
(Image credit: Nintendo)

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom has only been out in the wild for three days and you naughty, naughty players are already going to make Nintendo never trust us with this level of creative freedom again.

I'll get straight to the point: there's an alarming amount of dick and dick-adjacent player creations doing the rounds on social media at the moment. To be fair, I've only seen a few, but that's still a few more than I was expecting to see so soon after launch. When will I learn?

The first one I'll show you is just pure spectacle with seemingly little utility; a towering wooden contraption with pulsating bombs and a fire emitter attached to a log to look like a penis ejaculating fire. The subject of your nightmares wears a smile eerily similar to the giant gingerbread man from Shrek, and that expression has a searing effect when the whole thing is destroyed in a fiery explosion.

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The next phallic formation is something the average Link can put together fairly quickly and actually use to their benefit. As seen in the below video, apparently you can attach two stones and a log together and, not only does it look like a giant wang, but it can also be used to take down a Hinox in short order. The player creatively used Recall to make their contraption do the dirty work for them, but I expect it would be comparably effective if you just took it and beat the Hinox over the head with it.

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This last one looks like the giant plank dude's other form, in which his flamethrower penis is replaced by a water hose fit to quell a forest fire. Oh, and now he has nipples.

Once again, as amusing as these Tears of the Kingdom creations are, they're also all but assuring the next Zelda game will reign in Tears of the Kingdom's fusions and fuse abilities because it's now crystal clear that we simply can't be trusted with nice things.

On a related note, Tears of the Kingdom players are torturing Koroks for some reason and the little fellas deserve better.

Jordan Gerblick
Jordan Gerblick
Staff Writer

After earning an English degree from ASU, I worked as a corporate copy editor while freelancing for places like SFX Magazine, Screen Rant, Game Revolution, and MMORPG on the side. I got my big break here in 2019 with a freelance news gig, and I was hired on as GamesRadar's west coast Staff Writer in 2021. That means I'm responsible for managing the site's western regional executive branch, AKA my home office, and writing about whatever horror game I'm too afraid to finish.