Platforms: PSP
Average Review Score: 38.3%
What the press release promised: "The most beautiful 3D female characters ever seen in any PSP title. Snap candid photos of your giggling beauties in their beachwear which you can store in your very own private photo album. It’s all on-the-go, and all in the palm of your hand. Take your girls anywhere. Play with them any time."
What the game actually delivered: God, that is a creepy publicity quote, isn't it? None-too-subtle allusions to voyeurism, masturbation and sexual ownership (your girls) – all in a single sleazy paragraph! Honestly, though, we understand the demand for a title like Dead or Alive: Paradise. There's pornography in film, pornography in television, pornography in literature… why shouldn't there be pornography in games? If anything, an interactive medium like this makes more sense for adult entertainment. Japan's certainly on board the idea.
But "adult" and "interactive" are not adjectives that apply to Dead or Alive: Paradise. The girls don't appear remotely realistic – this is on the PSP, after all, and part of a franchise most famous for the invention of "independent boob physics." They also don't behave believably, unless you happen to know of some actual women who live on an island, frolicking in the sand and exchanging gifts with each other 24 hours a day. Even if you accept this nonsense as escapist fantasy, you won't get close enough to enjoy any of it. Like the earlier console versions, Dead or Alive: Paradise is a simplistic series of quarter-baked minigames of which volleyball is the most functional and snapping PG-rated photos is the most titillating.
So remind us… what was the point of this game, again?
The nicest thing anyone had to say: "May appear exciting to a sex-starved 16 year-old." – VideoGamer
The most scathing review quote: "You're actually an idiot if you can orgasm while playing this." – Destructoid
1) Attack of the Movies 3D
Platforms: 360 / Wii
Average Review Score: 38.1%
What the press release promised: "Throw on your 3-D glasses and grab your controller to face off against swarms of enemies in the first 3-D shooter for Xbox 360. All in glorious 3-D! Attack of the Movies 3-D is the first 3-D shooter for Xbox 360. Four pairs of 3-D glasses let the whole family enjoy the action. The creatures and backgrounds come to life in all their glory, providing amazing dimensionality previously found only in movie theaters. 3-D glasses included in the box!"
What the game actually delivered: Well, it is in 3D… Not the cool 21st century Avatar way, mind you, but the corny 1950scereal boxmethod, with red-and-blue cellophane lenses stapled to flimsy white paper frames. Which means there's no immersive depth, only gimmicky pop-outs, and no "wow!" factor, only "ow!" migraines. Cut the creators some slack, though – how do you expect them to cynically cash in on the latest technology craze if they have to waste money on equipment and effects that actually, you know, work?
Maybe the motive was more innocent. Maybe 3D was chosen merely to explain or excuse the game's last-last-gen graphics, which are unacceptable even by Wii standards and unforgivable on an Xbox 360. Here, for example, is Attack of the Movies 3D's failed attempt at putting the player in the middle of a science fiction film:
Here's a monster movie:
Here's an Indiana Jones-style adventure flick:
And here's some sort of fish-like object:
Notice all those indicators, desperately pleading with your friends to "Press A to join"? Yeah, that's never going to happen. And if it somehow does, they won't remain your friends for much longer. And if you bought Attack of the Movies 3D in the first place, you probably deserve your loneliness.
The nicest thing anyone had to say: "Stuff pops up, the player shoots it." – Cheat Code Central
The most scathing review quote: "Its sole purpose is to trick unknowing gamers into paying $30 for this atrocity just because it has '3-D' on the box." - Gamervision
Jul 19, 2010
With a first half this good, who needs the rest of the year?
We scrape to the very bottom of the barrel... and then keep on scraping
The most criminal imperfections of all time
