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Swimfan (2002)
What it’s about: A star high school swimmer is stalked by a hot but mad girl who forces him to do sex and then tries to kill everyone.
What we wish it was about: A heart-warming ‘in the face of adversity’ biopic about a team of scientists who spend 10 years trying to perfect the world’s first underwater air conditioner.
Star Wars: Attack Of The Clones (2002)
What it’s about: Star stuff. Annakin Skywalker grows a terrible rat’s tail and falls in love with a weirdly un-aging Queen Amidala, while the obviously-evil evil guy grows an army of cloned super-soldiers. Who, it’s worth mentioning, don’t actually do any attacking.
What we wish it was about : An intergalactic army of sheep descended from Dolly fly back through time to wage war on the time and people that created them.
Quantum Of Solace (2008)
What it’s about: Some fella called James Bond who travels about the place bedding girls and driving fancy cars.
What we wish it was about: A new drug called Solace is ripping through the underground scene in London, New York, and Newport Pagnell. Only the smallest scientifically measurable quantity is needed to tear your tits off – so how is Bruce Willis’ cop going to stop the party?
K-19: The Widowmaker (2002)
What it’s about: The various troubles encountered during the launch and service history of the Russian nuclear submarine, K-19.
What we wish it was about: A genetically engineered super-dog with ten times the strength of ordinary dogs (not just K-9…) who’s let loose on the suburban innocents of Swindon.
Hideous Kinky (1998)
What it’s about: A disenfranchised single mother travels to Morocco with her two young daughters to explore life away from conventional English society.
What we wish it was about: Disfigured deputy sheriff Kinky is the laughing stock of law enforcement officers and criminals all over the county. But he’s only hideous on the outside – inside, he can sing .
Shark Boy And Lava Girl (2005)
What it’s about: A lonely young boy dreams of characters called Shark Boy and Lava Girl, who then come to life asking for his help to save their dream world.
What we wish it was about: A sleazy break-out porno hit of the late 1970s, starring Jorge ‘Shark Boy’ Torres (so nicknamed because of a fin-like mutation on what he calls his wing-wang) and Sheila ‘Lava Girl’ Harris, who can erupt like a volcano on demand.
Phffft! (1954)
What it’s about: A young married couple who decide to separate, but find themselves constantly bumping into each other.
What we wish it was about: Scientists have found a puncture – in the side of the universe. If Bruce Willis can’t find a way to blow it up, ‘Phffft!’ will be the last noise humanity hears.
Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)
What it’s about: A group of youths with massive trousers who dance to save their community centre from being bulldozed by da man.
What we wish it was about: A ground-breaking troupe of fearless improvisational dancers who find sudden fame when they’re accidentally electrocuted during a performance and receive the reviews of their lives.
Half Past Dead (2002)
What it’s about: A pudgy undercover FBI agent played by Steven Segal, who goes to prison to discover the secret location of a bunch of gold bricks. Oh, and he died, once. Then came back.
What we wish it was about: The mortal anxiety dream of Steven Segal as a fat, fading action star undergoing heart surgery, in which the anesthetised lug must put his affairs in order before the doctors call time… on his life.
To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar (1995)
What it’s about: A living-and-learning road tripper with a trio of drag queens stranded in Hicksville teaching the natives about bravery and that.
What we wish it was about: Bruce Willis is a brave and selfless Shaolin monk called Wong Foo who one day wakes to find a note from Julie Newmar under his pillow and has to travel through time to save the cult actress.
