Secret Things review

Why you can trust GamesRadar+ Our expert reviewers spend hours testing and comparing products and services so you can choose the best for you. Find out more about how we test.

Nearly two hours of hot Sapphic sex action overlaid with a ponderous office satire and delivered with all the visual class of mid-'90s cable erotica, Jean-Claude Brisseau's risible Secret Things is definitive proof that the mere presence of screen subtitles can confer instant cultural gravitas on any old shite. Here we have two horny Parisian flatmates, Nathalie and Sandrine, who like masturbating on the metro, "getting each other off" and generally conforming to jaded softcore stereotypes. In other words, despite copious amounts of stylised writhing, what they really want, to quote Kevin Smith, is some serious "deep dicking". Along the way they get office jobs, attend orgies and have group sex with a maleficent CEO. And though the movie buffers itself with pseudo-nods to Dangerous Liaisons and the myth of Prometheus, it has nothing on Steven Shainberg's Secretary, Cindy Sherman's Office Killer or genuine bare-faced porn.

More info

Available platformsMovie

The Total Film team are made up of the finest minds in all of film journalism. They are: Editor Jane Crowther, Deputy Editor Matt Maytum, Reviews Ed Matthew Leyland, New Editor Jordan Farley, and Online Editor Jack Shepherd. Expect exclusive news, reviews, features, and more from the team behind the smarter movie magazine.