Scriptease #5 Stargate SG-1 Season One

The Reduced SFX Company presents an entire season in one five-minute script. With all due respect…

Scriptease #5

Stargate SG-1 Season One


A team of soldiers explore other worlds through a special gateway while trying to look as though their show’s budget is as big as the one Roland Emmerich’s original movie had.


COLONEL JACK O’NEILL , who doesn’t look anything like KURT RUSSELL , rejoins the STARGATE PROGRAM and is introduced to MAJOR SAMANTHA CARTER .

O’NEILL: Hello, Major.
CARTER: Don’t judge me because I’m a woman! Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside of my body instead of the outside doesn’t mean I can’t kick ass or spout technobabble just as ably as the rest of you testosterone-fuelled male types!
O’NEILL: Er... wow. Calm down. Who the hell wrote that speech?
CARTER: Don’t worry, about two minutes after this episode airs the writers will realise how ridiculous that sounded. Then they’ll delete it off the Final Cut (opens in new tab) a few years later and pretend it never happened at all.


DOCTOR DANIEL JACKSON , who looks more like JAMES SPADER than JAMES SPADER , is rescued from the planet ABYDOS and his wife, SHA’RE , is kidnapped by EVIL GOA’ULD worm-alien things. This results in JACKSON having an ONGOING MISSION that makes him join SG-1, even though he is RUBBISH at soldier stuff.

JACKSON: I’ll continue to wear glasses and have floppy hair for a few years and then I’ll turn into a badass and surprise everybody. Ha!

Meanwhile, for no real reason that we can determine, a GOA’ULD servant named TEAL’C decides to switch sides and SAVES EVERYBODY’S ASSES .

O’NEILL: Thanks for saving my ass, Teal’c. That was nice of you.
TEAL’C: [Raises eyebrow] I concur.
CARTER: So this is our story arc now – to explore the galaxy through the Stargate while trying to find Daniel’s wife and overthrow the evil Goa’uld system lords?
TEAL’C: [Raises eyebrow] Indeed.
O’NEILL: What would MacGuyver do?


Lots of things happen that are A BIT CRAP . CARTER is kidnapped and forced to wear a pretty dress because she is a WOMAN . The team mutate into ANIMALS . O’NEILL ages really quickly and becomes an OLD MAN with an inexplicable Southern accent. QUARK turns up as some sort of hippy forest alien.

JACKSON: I left Abydos for this ?
O’NEILL: We don’t have the same budget as the movie. Just go with it.

Suddenly an ANCIENT EGYPTIAN GODDESS arrives and has LOTS OF SEX with JACKSON .

HATHOR: I’m going to make little Goa’uld babies with you!
JACKSON: Okay, so this was worth leaving Abydos for.


CARTER: Girl power!
FRAISER: Yeah, sister!
O’NEILL: Wow, you can kick ass even though your reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside. I’m impressed!
TEAL’C: [Raises eyebrow] Kree.
O’NEILL: What does that mean?
TEAL’C: It’s one of the few thing I’m allowed to say beside “I concur” and “Indeed”.
O’NEILL: You have got to be kidding me.
TEAL’C: No, I am not.
O’NEILL: Actually that’s MY catchphrase.
TEAL’C: [Raises eyebrow] Indeed.


CARTER and O’NEILL get stranded on an ICE PLANET and suddenly there is SEXUAL CHEMISTRY between them as they snuggle up to keep warm.

CARTER: Is that a sidearm in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
O’NEILL: You have got to be kidding me.
O’NEILL: Can’t you feel the sexual chemistry? But we’re both in the military and we can’t do anything while we’re working together!
CARTER: I’m not quitting SG-1.
O’NEILL: Neither am I.

They will not do anything about this SEXUAL CHEMISTRY for a very, very, VERY long time. Like, a seriously long amount of time. So long that star systems are born and die again in the vast depths of space. So long that we can’t even remember when it was or how it happened. Then again, most of it happened offscreen anyway, so WHATEVER .


Things GET SERIOUS . JACKSON falls into a PARALLEL UNIVERSE in which the EVIL GOA’ULD are attacking the EARTH .

JACKSON: Holy crap, I must get home and warn my own Earth that this could happen there, too! Hopefully my arrival won’t be followed by a boring episode all about politics!

The EPISODE THAT FOLLOWS is called “ POLITICS ”. It is decided that SG-1 should DESTROY THE GOA’ULD SHIP before it reaches Earth. They do this VERY SPECTACULARLY . This proves that the show has come a long way since everybody changed into an ANIMAL .

SG-1 thinks that JACKSON is DEAD , but he turns up in the final few minutes.

O’NEILL: [Hugging him] Spacemonkey!
JACKSON: ...Did you just call me “spacemonkey”? What the hell?
O’NEILL: It’s to make the slashers happy. Just go with it.
TEAL’C: [Raises eyebrow] Kree.
O’NEILL: Okay, campers, I think we’ve got ourselves a winner with this show. Another nine years, anyone?
CARTER: Does that mean I have to wait all that time before we can cop off?
O’NEILL: Why d’ya think I just called Daniel “spacemonkey”? I need someone to entertain me in the meantime.
CARTER: I knew my reproductive equipment was better off on the outside.


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