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The latest version of ultraviolent 'survival-horror' videogame series Resident Evil is out this week.
So we've squared off a bunch of spectacularly repulsive beasties from the franchise with a squelching gaggle of cinema creatures.
Why you wouldn't want to meet it up a dark alley: It's a saliva-flecked blend of human/reptile DNA, it's quick, strong and could chop your head off with one swipe. Also, it really hates people who say 'moving forward' a lot. You do that, don't you?
Movie monster we'd like to see it have a fight with...
Gill-Man (The Creature From The Black Lagoon, 1954)
Who would win? Gill-Man. Because Mr Hunter might have the powers of head-removal, but Lagoon Boy would use his head - luring the foul foe to the shore of his special lake on the promise of a nice fishing trip.
Then, when someone wandered past, asking the monsters, "Caught much, fellas?", Gill would take advantage of the distraction by putting some poison in Hunter's sandwiches and filling his flask with deadly toxic wee. [page-break]
Chimera (Resident Evil)
Why you wouldn't want to meet it up a dark alley: A highly unpleasant human-monster nightmare-fly thing that can walk over walls and ceilings. It uses air-ducts to travel around quickly and eviscerates assailants with its really sharp claws. Can't kick a ball to save its life, though.
Movie monster we'd like to see it have a fight with...
Turkey-Head Mutant-Thing (Blood Freak, 1972)
Who would win? The Chimera would probably shade this one. In the film, a man eats a turkey laced with experimental drugs and becomes Turkey-Head Mutant Thing.
He then kills people in disappointingly un-turkeyish ways. Chimera would just yank out his guts, shove some Paxo up his arse and slam him into a big oven.[page-break]
Tyrant (Resident Evil)
Why you wouldn't want to meet it up a dark alley: It's a genetically engineered super-soldier with major dermatological issues and massive knives for fingers. If it jostles you as you walk past, best not make an issue out of it.
Movie monster we'd like to see it have a fight with...
The Newborn (Alien: Resurrection, 1997)
Who would win? Tyrant, deffo. The Newborn is supposed to be a sinister, blended human-Alien baby type-thing but actually looks like a sort of treacle-toffee skellington. It's just asking for the crushing and the chopping and the Tupperware save-for-later-ing.[page-break]
Licker (Resident Evil 2)
Why you wouldn't want to meet it up a dark alley: Curious mutation quirks aside (exposed brain? - duuh, that's a big help when it's raining) the Licker has a long, lance-like tongue that can penetrate a human torso. Which means it could have a taste of your liver while you're still alive. Yummers!
Movie monster we'd like to see it have a fight with...
Dougie, The Orderly Who Licks Sarah Connor's Face (Terminator 2: Judgement Day, 1991)
Who would win? Our money's on Dougie. Lickers are blind, while Dougie has massive, '80s, big-framed, bottle-bottom glasses to help him hunt down his prey.
He would give the Licker a taste of its own medicine by, umm, tasting its face. Then, as it blindly thrashed around its big taste-tentacle, trying to find him, Dougie would make it die by gently tapping its vulnerable brain with his riot baton, rolling his rheumy eyes in homicidal ecstasy.[page-break]
Nemesis (Resident Evil 3)
Why you wouldn't want to meet it up a dark alley: Well, it's a humanoid bioweapon created by infecting a Tyrant with a parasitic organism designed to increase its intelligence. It can regenerate its tissue and, like a monster designed by Homer Simpson, has a rocket-launcher built into its arm.
Movie monster we'd like to see it have a fight with...
Pinhead (Hellraiser, 1987)
Who would win? Pinhead would transport the Nemesis to Hell where, umm, bio-implanted rocket-launchers don't work properly. He would then summon a gang of Cenobite acolytes to systematically cut the Nemesis into little quivering cubes while he stood and calmly observed in his fetishy Goth greatcoat.
He would then, as he says, have an eternity to know its flesh - having the regenerating Nemesis bits for his tea every night forever.[page-break]
Del Lago (Resident Evil 4)
Why you wouldn't want to meet it up a dark alley: Well, up a dark lake... Del Lago ("of/from the lake" in Spanish) is a big mutant monster-fish that's really, really tedious to kill because you have to guess which direction it's going to come from and then, like, swim back to the boat when it knocks you into the water - only if you don't have much energy left you can't make it without being eaten and there's no gauge to tell you how much you've damaged it. Rubbish.
Movie monster we'd like to see it have a fight with...
Massive Octopus (It Came From Beneath The Sea, 1955)
Who would win? Beneath The Sea Octopus, because it's about fifty times bigger than Del Lago. C'mon. Look at the difference in scale. Do you even have to ask? Honestly...[page-break]
U3 (Resident Evil 4)
Why you wouldn't want to meet it up a dark alley: This one is clearly the result of one of the designers' sweatiest cheese-dreams. They chuck everything into the pot: a howling great hybrid horror created by splicing genes from reptiles, insects and a human. It's really strong, agile and has loads of powerful limbs with claws and tentacles on the end.
It also has a pincer-chomping parasite inside that emerges when the U3 is injured. This parasite can cut a human in half with a single bite. Such obvious outward hostility, though... it's clearly just a mask concealing an insecure centre.
Movie monster we'd like to see it have a fight with...
Alien Queen (Aliens, 1986)
Who would win? The Nadal-Federer of movie creature/Resident Evil monster hypothetical clashes. Alien Queen would win, though, of course.
There'd be a brilliant bit where the U3's pincer-parasite thing came out and tried to chop off the Queen's head but she snapped out her extendable jaw and shattered the parasite's head like a rotten tomato.
Oh, oh - and then just at the point where Mr U3 has the Alien Queen pinned down with his dagger arm raised for the death-blow, she'd, like, move and the stab would hit her in a non-lethal place but a squirt of acid-blood would blind the U3, allowing the Alien Queen to rally and tear her assailant limb from mutant limb as if he were made of wet tissue paper. Phew.[page-break]
Bandersnatch (Resident Evil: Code Veronica)
Why you wouldn't want to meet it up a dark alley: He's yer standard experimental bioweapon with a powerful extendable hand that can stretch great distances to punch around corners and stuff.
Movie monster we'd like to see it have a fight with...
Ash's Hand (Evil Dead 2, 1987)
Who would win? Bandersnatch Hand big and strong but always attached to Bandersnatch. Ash Hand strong and clever and free to roam and wreak havoc and definitely win.[page-break]
El Giganto (Resident Evil 4, Resident Evil 5)
Why you wouldn't want to meet it up a dark alley: Jesus, look at it! It's absolutely massive. You wouldn't want to meet it, so much as hide about 80-feet underground from it.
It's relentless and resourceful too, having managed to find a shop that sells shorts in its size.
Movie monster we'd like to see it have a fight with...
Cloverfield Monster (Cloverfield, 2008)
Who would win? The grand finale, surely. A titanic collision of city-razing, plug-ugly pretend-monsters whose only function appears to be wanton death and destruction.
The tickets would sell out quickly - as long as the fight could be in the future with seats in hovering pods that always stayed out of reach of both beasts.
Too close to call - El Giganto has the brute strength, Cloverfield chappie has alien powers. Let's make it a draw, with a treacherous post-fight interview conducted by Piers Morgan.
In conclusion, then, movie monsters are better than Resident Evil monsters although Resident Evil monsters are quite hard and horrible and movie monsters have the advantage of more expensive special effects than what Resident Evil monsters have.
Check out our sister site GamesRadar's feature-packed countdown to Resi 5's release here .
