"Monster people who look like angry icicles" - Game of Thrones as explained by someone who's never seen it

Image credit: HBO

Game of Thrones is a popular TV show where kings and queens fight for control of an iron throne. The throne has spikes and is important for some reason. There’s also a giant wall in a place that looks really cold, which probably has something bad behind it. I’ve seen screenshots from later seasons, so it’s probably those monster people who look like angry icicles. In season 1 of Game of Thrones, there’s a lot of talking and it’s quite boring, but then it gets better and then Sean Bean dies. He’s probably a king. And maybe a goodie. So that’s quite surprising for viewers. 

In season 2, it’s more of the same, but there’s a dwarf called Tyrion Lannister and a man in a fur coat called Jon Snow. They may - or may not - be allies. There’s more fighting, and nobody knows who to trust, and people who look like they won’t die, suddenly die.

There are more seasons, and there’s a wedding where everyone dies. But not *everyone*, since the show keeps going so more people can fight and die. This all culminates in a giant Battle of the Bastards, where some people fight, and it probably looks like The Battle of Helm’s Deep from Lord of the Rings, but better lit. There’s a lady with white hair called Denairys (editor’s note: I know this spelling is incorrect but I just had to leave it in) who is a friend of the dragons and can ride a dragon. This probably comes as some surprise to the viewers, and she uses the dragon to kill people.

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The latest season was apparently all battles, and even though more people died, there are some left for the final season, which has been made up since they’ve run out of material written in the books by George Martin. Or is it AA Martin? I honestly don’t know, but one of them was something to do with the Beatles, the other wrote books where kings and queens battle for a throne and a lot of people die. Oh, and it’s sexy. I’ve accidentally seen scenes while flicking through the Sky package where I could see an exposed boob, or a naked muscly man, and there was lots of fur and swords. And blood.

The last season will feature more fighting, the lady on the dragon, and the icicle people - who may, or may not, be interested in the throne. If I had to bet, I’d say the throne isn’t really that important and there’s probably some ancient curse and all the people who used to hate each other will have to fight together to stop the icicle people or an even badder baddie. They will do this and win, but then one of them will betray the other, but later regret it, and the series will end when the second most likable character has won and everyone has sort-of learned something.

Wait! Jon Snow dies at one point. Or does he? I don’t know.

How much Game of Thrones have I watched?

30 minutes of season 1, episode 1, and about two minutes of various seasons when I flicked through the channels looking for something else to watch.

Will I ever watch it? 

Probably, yes, and I’ve no doubt I’ll love it. Even though I’m sad that I know some people who shouldn’t die, definitely die. Including Sean Bean.

Game of Thrones season 8 airs this Sunday, April 14 on HBO in the US and a day later on Sky Atlantic in the UK. And you can read everything the cast and crew have said about the Game of Thrones ending so far too!