Have I woken up in crazy land?
Here at GamefunRadar, we love telegames. You'll rarely see us on the train without a NineTenDo 3D Yes in our hands, or a PleaseStation Vital. Which is why we need to buy all the latest hardware and peripherals to facilitate our gaming habit. I personally took a walk into town last week and saw this beauty on the shelf. A genuine DOALSHOCK 2, presumably for use with the PloyStation 2.
Don't worry, you haven't woken up mental, though you could be forgiven for thinking that you had. This is the world of unlicensed knock-offs. Cheap, sound-alike versions of official hardware, designed to fool the less-discerning customer into parting with their 100% official cash. You have no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes. All the way to China, in fact...
I was indeed doubly shocked when I saw this one, as it was in the same window as the DOALSHOCK 2. Priced at 24.99, it's significantly cheaper than the 38.99 you can expect to pay for a DualShock 3.
And why would you pay more? This is just as wireless and features all the buttons of the official pad, including the famous P3 button in the centre. And it says on the side of the packaging that it's compatible with the PS3. Although what that abbreviation actually stands for is anyone's guess. Especially when you consider the star of the next slide...
PS3 Next System PlayStation Meeting
Presumably this is the result of a meeting at Sony where everyone met to discuss the next PlayStation system and decided that it should be a straight knock-off of the Japanese Famicom (which is a NES in other territories).
So this machine looks a like a NES, is sold as a PS3, but plays NES games. I'm not sure even the creators of this device were convinced by what they were producing. But one thing's for sure: the DoubleShock III isn't going to work with this baby. This is as wired an experience as you're likely to find.
Nintendo PolyStation. By Namco?
This looks like a Sony PlayStation at first glance. Well, if you ignore the knock-off version of the Nintendo logo on the top of it. And the Namco one down there. Everyone had a hand in this one.
It's got built-in programs and Digital Stereo, plus a clamshell flip-up lid for the CD, which reveals... a cartridge slot. That plays knock-off NES games.
Super PolyStation 2
No, your eyes haven't gone wrong. That's a PS2 knock-off. The next generation of console gaming. So what do you get to play after the 8-bit delights of PolyStation 1? Well, more 8-bit delights. This also plays knock-off NES cartridges. Ho-hum.
In fairness, the machine comes with two controllers and a lightgun. I say 'in fairness', but there's no reason to be fair to this thing. It makes my mind go funny just looking at its logo. Am I become Super TowellJustin 2? Mummy?
PSone (PolyStation The Poly Machine)
More PolyStation? Surely not! Ah, but this is the one to end all PolyStations. It has 10,000,000 games built-in. Yes, ten million games. Unless you believe the other sticker that acknowledges the unlikeliness of this claim and reduces it to a mere 1,000,000. I'm not sure a million games have actually been made in the world ever. Pretty unlikely. But even if they have, I doubt they're all in this thing.
I particularly like the way the box depicts the console speaking. It's saying "IT'S JUST NOT A GAME ANYMORE!!" which is pretty obvious when it's 10,000,000 of them instead. Mind you, the box also claims to have 3D visuals. Hint: It doesn't. It's a knock-off NES. Again.
New Slim 2 (or 'New Slime')
Another knock-off of the PS2, the 'New Slim 2' is an impressively authentic recreation of the PS2 Slim's casing, filled with (you guessed it) the pirated innards of a NES. It has games built in. It has the flip-tray for the discs... by which I mean 'cartridges'.
But the best part of this Korean device is the description--in English--of what it means to game. Ready? "A game is an activity or sport usually involving skill, knowledge, or chance, in which you follow fixed rules and try to win against an opponent, or to solve a puzzle, the wonderful game of football, a playful game of hide-and-seek, a video game. Someone's game is the degree of skill or the style that they use when playing a particular game." ...WHAT?!
NASA Entertainment Computer System
Ah, well, if every other console so far has played NES games, perhaps a knock-off console that looks like a NES will give us something different. Nah, it plays NES games, dunnit? Only this really is a fake NES that supports official cartridges and controllers. No, that doesn't make it better.
It's even got a Super Video Game Seal of Quality on it. Sounds legit. Still, NASA managed to get a computer with the power of a pocket calculator to navigate men to the moon, so its game consoles must be really special. Day One purchase.
Isn't that the Spider-Man font? Yes. Is that a PlayStation 3? Ye...no. Read carefully. This is a FunStation 3, not a PlayStation 3. And it plays... NES games. Bet you didn't see that one coming.
Brilliantly, someone on YouTube actually mistook the FunStation 3 for a PolyStation 3 (while they smashed it with a hammer--gotta love the internet). Which just goes to show how confusing things can get. I'm confused. I think my name is Fergus. I like jam.
It's a SNES, isn't it? Oh... no, wait--it's a NES in a knock-off SNES-styled shell. Are there any fake consoles that AREN'T knock-off NESes in an [insert any console name here]-style shell? What about the poor kids who wanted one of these to upgrade from their knock-off NES games? Won't somebody think of the piracy-saturated children?
Speaking of which, this European SNES-alike features a strange picture of a child on the box, firing a laser gun... while appearing to maintain an orbit around the sun. I say 'appearing'. He's actually clearly been photoshopped to look like that when he was actually lying on the ground with his arms and legs out. Is his father proud enough to describe him as his 'Super Megason'? Probably not. Not with those shades.
Hmmmm, let's take a look at what we have here. White console, remote-control-shaped controllers, tacky plastic sport equipment-shaped peripherals... this is a Wii, isn't it?
Nope, it's a WiWi. And I don't need to tell you why that's funny. But it supports cartridges such as the 198-in-1 16-bit sports game. You know what that means? IT ISN'T THE INNARDS OF A PIRATED NES! Cue the angelic 'Hallelujah' chorus.
I know what you're thinking: "What's this? A portable Dreamcast? Wait... you're going to tell me it's got Dreamcast-style controllers but in actual fact it's got the innards of a knock-off NES, aren't you?" Well, actually I'm not. This really is a knock-off Dreamcast. And that screen means it's portable too.
Made in China, it was banned from sale after a short time because Sega successfully got it legally blocked for infringing its patents. But it not only plays real Dreamcast games, it's also region-free and plays back-up discs. Yes, of course that's illegal. The whole thing was proven illegal. Still, who wouldn't want one? It's the console of my treams.
The console Gotham deserves?
There are so many fake stars glistening in the fake night sky of fake game console land, it's impossible to list them all here. We'd be here forever, and you'd have no time left to play any fake NES games. But maybe you have a humdinger of a rip-off console you feel people should know about? If so, tell the world about it in the comments.
And if you're looking for more, check out These consoles are fake! and Super Nintendo Revolution? Gameboi? Go ahead and add this to the list of fake game consoles we wish were real.