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As killed in: BloodRayne, Call of Duty, Medal of Honour, Turning Point: Fall of Liberty, Wolfenstein 3D
As killed in: GTA III, Destroy all Humans Path of the Furon, Hitman: Blood Money, Mafia, The Darkness
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Games have let us whack more Mafia hoods than the Sopranos, the Corleone family and Joe Pesci combined. We’ve torn out their beating hearts. And shut up hundreds of Italian faces with various anti-heroes. Don’t feel guilty either. We gamers are performing a valued service to society by viciously murdering such unrealistic, negative cultural stereotypes.
As killed in: Fatal Frame, Ghostbusters, Ghost Hunter, God of War II, Luigi’s Mansion, Pac-Man
In real life they might be content to gently haunt your attic or float through walls into women’s locker rooms. But in videogames they want to literally scare the life out of us. But we've always had the tools to send these spirits back to their final resting place - thank you Mr. Vacuum. We have never been and will never be afraid of no videogame ghost.
As killed in: Half-Life Episode 2, Goldeneye, Jaws Unleashed, Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, Second Sight
Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. We really feel sorry for the pioneering white coats of games who perpetually seem to get caught in the crossfire. If they’d just start giving us those damned keycards and passwords, though, maybe we’d start aiming our bullets a little more closely at the balaclava-wearing baddies instead of their faces.
As killed in: Alien Vs. Predator, Area 51, the Halo series, Half-Life, Mass Effect, Resistance: Fall of Man
Screw ET and Close Encounters' gentle, note-playing visitors from another world. Any in-game alien we see is an affront to everything humanity stands for and must be killed. We’ve culled the Chimera’s numbers and told H.R. Giger’s finest to “get away from her you bitch!” with pulse rifles for years. Why make peace with another race when you can blow them to pieces?
As killed in: Gears of War 2, Lost Planet: Extreme Condition, Mass Effect, Worms
Cut a normal worm in half and it’ll go about its day like nothing happened. Sneeze on a giant space worm and it’ll crumble in a ruined heap. We blame the Empire Strikes Back for creating a generation of generic blind goliaths and lazy developers for making them so ludicrously killable.
As killed in: Killzone, Manhunt, the Metal Gear series, every Star Wars game ever
Wear a mask, helmetor balaclava in a game and there’s a 97% chance you’re evil and a 99% probability you’ll end up brutally murdered at the hands of a hero in a tank top. We’ve slit an army of balaclava-clad throats, so take our advice. If you ever find yourself as a videogame baddie: wear a scarf to keep the cold out instead.
As killed in: Dynasty Warriors: Gundam, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, the Ratchet & Clank series, Star Wars KOTOR
Death seems to be best friends with the metal men in our medium. With most owing their origins to the school of HAL-influenced lunacy and less to Johnny Number Five’s heroic intolerance for civil disobedience; almost every one is the enemy and must be destroyed. They’re continually compelling computerised cannon fodder.
Feb 24, 2009
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