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BLOG List Of Cool Things I Will Probably Never Do

By SFX blogger PigMonkey

I was watching season four of Venture Brothers this week when Brock Sampson said something that really caught my imagination.

“Well, I guess I can cross killing Hitler off my list of things I never thought I would get to do.”

Now that is an interesting concept. I thought, “Yeah, I need a list like that.” What is it that you want to do that is so improbable you haven’t even considered it because it is pointless? I unleashed my imagination upon this conundrum and so here is some things that I will likely never get to do, in no particular order:

1. Kick Shakespeare in the ’nads – I love Shakespeare – I own a copy of his complete works – however I did not like him when I was being forced to read it. I really want to him to know the suffering he inflicted on high school students the world over and over throughout history. I don’t think I could explain that, so I will settle for putting my foot in his groin.

2. Take a flying saucer for a joy ride – Space flight is long and arduous, so the pilots must have to pull over once and again to pee. I would love to jack a flying saucer and leave it some place obvious. I think I would do a couple loops around the moon first.

3. Stop George Lucas from making Episodes 1 , 2 , and 3 – I would probably lie, tell him it flopped, and the toy sales died in a month. This would hopefully cause him to rethink writing the movies himself. Maybe I could get him to make a Willow 2 .

4. Stop a zombie apocalypse – Everyone makes the same basic mistakes in the movies. I think I could do better, and have a fairly good collection of friends who think the same. So first we are going to steal a snow plough....

5. Meet Nicola Tesla – The inventor has done more for our modern way of life than any other man. He was a genius, and under recognised. Just someone who I really wanted to know.

6. Take the deadly two-foot kick from Captain Kirk – Mostly I just want to hear the music as I take it. I am pretty sure he had an orchestra following him around. The bridge of the original enterprise has an orchestra pit in a sub-dimension some where.

7. Go drinking with Hemmingway – I don't even drink. I would make an exception in this case. I am pretty sure that drinking would lead to a fist fight, but I probably wouldn’t mind trading punches with him ether.

8. Make love to Sigourney Weaver circa 1982 – We all have our crushes; somewhere between Aliens and Ghostbusters I became aware that girls existed. Sigourney pretty much became that movie star that I fell in love with.

9. Find out what Soylent Green actually tastes like – Yes cannibalism is wrong. What can I say, I’m curious. It’s not like I would have a three-course meal, just a spoonful.

10. Uncancel Firefly – Yes, I am one of those. I really want to let Firefly go but I did love the show. I suppose it was not given a chance to suck and that is why it is still a popular point among geeks everywhere.

11. Finish my grade 5 library project – I was never good in school, I just tossed the project out. I can’t remember what it was about but I do remember intentionally never completing it.

12. Get bionic parts – The Bionic Man made a huge impression on me in the ’70s. I used to open doors making the titch-titch-titch-titch-titch-titch-titch-titch sound from the tv show. I still do from time to time. As I get older and my knees give out, I find my self thinking about bionic legs a lot.

13. Go mad from seeing Cthulhu – It’s a great old one; he is a rock star of the horror crowd. I do question how powerful he is, though, when all you need is a boat and a half crazed Dane to beat him.

14. Get Warren Ellis to focus on one project – Warren, please, Desolation Jones , and Global Frequency , come on mate. They were brilliant, stop making us suffer. Write the damn sequels.

15. Verify that the moon landing was real – I am tired of people debating this. I want to go and lay eyes on the equipment and foot prints that may or may not be there. This probably will get completed with #2 but it has irritated me so long that it really is its own number.

16. Hunt a Unicorn – by all accounts this is a very bad thing to do, because of curses and suchlike. Fortunately as a human, my species is renowned for doing things that are bad ideas, so I won’t let that stop me.

17. Use the Force – I saw Star Wars in the theatre when I was four. It made an impression. I wanted to be a Jedi when I grew up. I eventually came to terms with the fact that it was never going to happen at the age of 25. I just wanted to try telekinesis and mind tricks. I think they would come in quite handy in daily life.

18. Jump the General Lee – That car spent more time in the air than on the ground. I saw every second. The only crime was I wasn’t in it. I would even settle for sitting in the back, on the hump.

19. Jack into the Matrix – Completely programmable reality, that would be mighty cool, however I don’t think I would enjoy having a long metal spike rammed into the back of my head. Check that: I know I would not enjoy having a long metal spike rammed into the back of my head

20. Have John Williams write my theme music Star Wars , Indiana Jones, Jaws , Superman , ET , Gilligan’s Island . I wonder what he could do for a PigMonkey theme? Then I would have to drag around a full orchestra around with me, just like Captain Kirk.

21. Play lawn darts with Abraham Lincoln – Or Ghandi, I’m not too picky on this one, but let’s face it, that will never happen. Lawn darts are illegal.

22. Cross breed a dog and a cat – A Cog, or a Dat? I am interested crossing a pug with a Siamese to win the ugliest damn what-the-hell-kind-of-mammal-is-that ? award.

23. Make politicians tell the truth – Sew C4 into a special set of pants that is hooked up to a polygraph.
Me – “Do you swear to tell the truth, Mr Prime Minister?”
PM – “Well I…?”

24. Feed the Road Runner to the Coyote – He has been chasing the bird for how long? It’s a freaking crime! Throw him a bone. Or a bird. There can’t be much meat on that bird either; he is always running. Better to take him to an all-night diner and get him a hamburger.

25. Convince the Cohen brothers to make a Little Lebowski movie The Big Lebowski was the funniest, most brilliant movie ever made. He conceives a child in the movie, I would like to see the kid track down his father. He would be about 20 now.

26. Drive a Sherman tank through a Medieval battle – I just want to see the look on their faces. That’s right you primitive screw-heads This is my boom cart!

27. Make a Penguin gun – Yes, a gun that fires penguins. A new WMD. However, I think ammo would get costly.

28. Get Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, and Vishnu to play a game of D&D – I would DM. I just figure those guys would come up with some interesting character concepts, but none of them would be allowed to be monks or clerics.

29. Herd Hobbits – As with sheep, you’d need a well-trained Hobbit-dog. Take them on a long cattle drive across wide open plains, sleep under the stars and shave their foot hair to sell at the local markets.

30. Ride a T-Rex – Every one has thought about this at some point. A big flesh-eating dinosaur to do your bidding. It would be amazing, However it could consume me at any moment, unless he were a Jewish dino, then he would have to wait for a kosher rider.

I could keep going. However, if I keep writing I will never get any thing done that I actually get to do. I encourage you to come up with your own.