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Making a rambling stick
Alans apology to farmers
The Moment: Having made a huge faux pas on his radio show and accused farmers of indulging in unethical genetic-modification practices, he reluctantly agrees to set the record straight with Chris Morris’ Peter Baxendale Thomas from the Norfolk Farmers Union. Alan soon gets defensive, however, and launches into a ridiculous, nonsensical tirade.
Most Quotable Line: “You have big sheds, but nobody’s allowed in, and inside these big sheds are 20ft-high chickens, because of all the chemicals you put in them. And these chickens are scared. They don’t know why they’re so big. They go ‘Oh, why am I so massive?’ and they’re looking down on all the other little chickens and they think they’re in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small…”
His own birth
The Moment: Starting his autobiography in the best way possible, Alan creates a fictional setting for his own birth, complete with hospital orderlies discussing unrelated news events in order to provide context, an explanation that describing the events in the present tense is just a deceptive literary device and proudly claiming that his first cries as a baby count as his first broadcast – to an audience of eight people in a room (“Not bad, I probably thought. Not bad at all.”)
Most Quotable Line: “The hospital? The Queen Elizabeth Hospital in King’s Lynn. The sweaty woman? Mrs Dorothy Partridge, my mother. And the child’s head slithering from her legs? It belongs to me. The child was I, Partridge.”
ABBA medley
The Moment: Alan has never shied away from revealing his love for ABBA (even naming his son Fernando) so it was a dream come true to sing a medley of ABBA hits with special guest Gina Langland on his show Knowing Me Knowing You. While things go to plan, there are a few hiccups a long the way, including an unfortunate, incidental boob grab and Alan aggressively singing in his co-singer’s face with increasing volume.
Most Quotable Line: Singing: “Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty… What would life be without a SONG OR A DANCE WHAT ARE WE… SO *I* *SAY*… thank you for the music…”
Comic Relief
The Moment: During a stint for Comic Relief, Alan reports live from Norwich Park – “One of the top five municipal parks in the country” – but unfortunately the event hasn’t been organised well and it’s a very poor turn out, with a mere handful of members of the public turning up to cheers at inappropriate times and boast about pitiful sums of money raised.
Most Quotable Line: “My whereabouts today were supposed to have been advertised in a two-pronged campaign: jointly on Teletext and the local press, neither of which has happened. Inevitability there will be repercussions. But I’m not here today to talk about repercussions, nor indeed bad internal administration which will inevitably be at the bottom of this…”
Breaking in
The Moment: Having consistently mocked the poor security surrounding the Dante Fireplace conference at which he is due to host, Alan eventually finds himself without a security pass and unable to get in. When he tries to climb over, Alan ends up stepping through a gate spike, but he carries on with the event regardless, only to vomit copiously throughout his speech from the loss of blood.
Most Quotable Line: “Lynn, I’ve pierced my foot on a spiiiike.”
Swimming pool interview
The Moment: Alan clearly uses his own power as director and editor of special Welcome To The Places Of My Life during an interview with Annabel Swanson, a hydrotherapist – “water doctor” – which sees the pair of them treading water in a swimming pool. Alan clearly has difficulty keeping up, however, and his struggles and spluttering soon to change to a calm, relaxed Alan, clearly filmed at a later date and spliced into the interview.
Most Quotable Line: “So could you swim a length under water? Yeah, so could I”
Norwichs heritage
The Moment: In an early special dedicated to his home town Norwich, Alan briefly discusses the bloody history of the city.
Most Quotable Line: "400 years ago, this serenity was shattered by a bloody big fight between the townsfolk and the cathedral monks. Six friars were beheaded on this site… which is now a Dorothy Perkins."
Shooting his guest
The Moment: Ending his short-lived, ‘moribund’ career as a TV presenter with a bang, Alan bravely puts up with an obnoxious old guest, only to accidentally shoot him through the chest with Lord Byron’s antique pistol. With the programme thrown into a panic, Alan tries to reclaim some dignity for the deceased by covering his face with an Alan Partridge mask.
Most Quotable Line: “He’s at peace now – he went out like a light. He wouldn’t have suffered – I shot him straight through the heart.”
Apple pie showdown
The Moment: After running into a former bully – now teacher - during a talk at his old school, Alan proceeds to tell the classroom of kids that, back in their younger days, he got the lab assistant pregnant and he still doesn’t see the kid. So when the disgraced teacher turns up at the BP petrol station where Alan hangs out with Michael, a quick microwaved weapon is prepared…
Most Quotable Line: “The temperature inside this apple turnover is 1,000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten Bramley apple is going to squirt out. Could go your way, could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down.”
