Survival of the fittest
Even nature's most harmless creatures find ways to be badasses. Some can rip your arms right out of their sockets. Some are masters of camouflage. And some just breed so fast you couldnt eat them into extinction if you tried. The animal kingdom is scary as hell, and if you believe Hollywood, some species are just about ready to take over the entire planet.
Honestly, we're lucky mankind still reigns supreme. If not for the fact that these critters were just a few brain cells and an opposable thumb short of inventing the wheel, we might be bowing to animal overlords today. Let's hope the following creatures never find a way to circumvent their design flaws, or they just might conquer the world...
Octopuses (Octodad)
The species: Loving father. Caring husband. Secret Octopus. Thats all Octodad wants you to think he is, minus that last part. Trust me when I say marrying into an unassuming, suburban family is no isolated incident for the eight-limbed arthropods. They're everywhere, embedded deep in society, just waiting for the perfect moment to rise up and strike. If our species needs spectacles this badly, then theres no telling what creature wed share a bed with. Just imagine: little half-breed octopi everywhere, flailing around supermarkets, slapping children with suctioned hands, leaving our lawns uncut. There goes the neighborhood.
The stupid defect: If theres one card to be played here, its a little thing called coordination. Its hard to envision an army of octopuses marching down main street triumphantly with a flag in hand without them crashing into each other. Oh, and there's the fact that octopuses cant have sex more than once without dying. Bummer of a honeymoon, huh? Score one for humanity.
Chao (Sonic Series)
The species: Chao share a lot of characteristics with human infants. In Sonic Adventure 2, every time your Chao is cared for by a heroic character, it grows more heroic. It might even don an angelic halo. If its tended to by evil characters, it grows more evil, bearing a devilish forked tail. Thing is, the longer you coddle them, the more you boost their stats, making them fly, swim, and run faster. Imagine a whole army of evil Chao that possess super speed and strength. Truly frightening stuff.
The stupid defect: At first glance, theres nothing stopping Chao from ensnaring everyone with their cuteness. Theyd be destined to become ticking time bombs if not for the fact that you can lull them into a deep sleep whenever you wish. Rub their little floating head-orb and they immediately take a trip to dreamland. They're just like cats: too groggy half the time to carry out their psychotic misbehavior.
Worms (Worms series)
The species: You may have never seen heavily-armed worms with hands (or French accents), and youve certainly never seen little smart-mouthed buggers like these in your backyard. Thats because theyre all playing innocent until the perfect opportunity arises for them to dig their way to Armageddon. Its only a matter of time before they plow up the planet by the trillions, bazookas and holy hand grenades in hand.
The stupid defect: A pity theyre so small--so small that wed crush them beneath our boots the minute they took arms. Tiny dynamite, tiny baseball bats, tiny ninja moves--they'd attempt to wage World War Wuss on our ankles, and would immediately fail. And theyd better pack a life-preserver if they strike on a rainy day. Maybe theyd be better off bullying the ladybugs in your garden. Chumps.
Cyborg chimps (TimeSplitters)
The species: The cyborg chimp is a stone cold killing machine, one thatd make its zoo dwelling peers jealous. This is the Six Million Dollar Chimp, and its not a coincidence that it looks like RoboCop. Besides being oddly cute, its also a crack shot. Most chimps just fashion poo into a projectile, but these little guys can use everything from rocket launchers to freakin' 12-gauge shotguns. Holy shit indeed.
The stupid defect: The real weapon against cyborg chimps is virtual monkey business. You just need to download some malware onto the thing, and you have yourself one stinky but otherwise harmless monkey. Beware of the poo, though.
Wigglers (Mario series)
The species: Caterpillars are really no laughing matter when they're ravaging your garden, and neither are angry, bipolar ones with a tude. Don't take Wigglers lightly. Not only will they destroy your tomato plants, but they're also prone to crushing people like a living bulldozer. Blink the wrong way and these things will be tap dancing on whatever part of the planet they havent already consumed. All in stylish clown shoes, no less. Classy.
The stupid defect: Its just dandy someone included a kill-switch on em. Theyre never more than three jumps away from extermination. At second glance, its little wonder why the little devils are so piping mad all the time: They basically have to live with kick me signs on their backs for the entirety of their lives. *sniff*
Toads (Battletoads series)
The species: The Battletoads were three, ordinary game testers transformed into giant frog men on steroids thanks to a rigged VR simulator. Much like what Facebook undoubtedly has in mind for the Oculus Rift. In between saving princesses and defeating buxom babes in '90s rocker leather, you cant help but wonder if theyre a little sore about living life as the frogs a princess would never kiss. Would they wreak their terrible vengeance on the VR sims that made them back home? Very likely.
The stupid defect: Sad for them that if they ever tried to take over, their toady selves probably wouldnt fare so well under the burning hot sun. What do you expect from three toads named Rash, Zitz and Pimple? Unless they brought moisturizer with them, they may as well forget their plans for world conquest.
Elebits (Elebits series)
The species: Elebits are electricity personified in all the colors of the rainbow. These electricity-storing vermin are the reason we have lights and Wi-Fi connections, and they look like that plush toy you had when you were five. Theyre also testy things, liable to leave whenever they darn well feel like it; if one day they decided to head for the hills, wed be helpless to stop them, losing our only source of electric energy. Meaning: wed be forced to physically mail each other memes that would be irrelevant by the time they finally arrived. Theyd come back all right, but not without charging you an arm and a leg for your electricity. Kind of how your service provider already does, except they're devilishly cute.
The stupid defect: As it turns out, wearing their hearts on their imagined sleeves is just the thing that gets Elebits into trouble. Happy, angry, sad, scared, the graphic just above their head displays their mood and just what it takes to nab them. Arm yourself with just the right capture gun upgrade and you could have the lullaby to tame your electrical lion. Now if that could only work with your router...
Pandas (World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria)
The species: Pandarens are exactly what they look like: badass pandas equipped with giant sticks. With brains, brawn, and booze to match even the best French wineries, theyd be horrified by the sight of their captive kin in your local zoo. Whats stopping 300 pounds of inebriated Pandaren from crashing through the bamboo forests and taking their rage to the streets? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
The stupid defect: So how do you beat these smarter-than-your-average-bear folk? Get em drunk(er). Like all great warriors, the Pandarens have their Achilles heel, namely a fondness for drink. Invite the Panda bros over for a few brewskis, get em tipsy, commune with a few spirits, and bam... nighty night, Pandaria. All that training, just to lose to the might of a freshly-tapped keg.
Piatas (Viva Piata series)
The species: Why do we like to believe piatas are all good fun? Because theyre nothing like these piatas. Let's look at the facts. Viva Piatas are creepy, living creatures. They're planning something. Its only a matter of time before their knowing glances lead to something more sinister. Think theyd forgive us for all the years weve beaten the crap out of them for sugary snacks? Think again. How long until they make off with our young uns, Pied Piper-style, leading them to a sweet, unsavory doom in a dark alley?
The stupid defect: The greatest threats come from within--or in the case of Viva Piatas, one of their own. Its a Piata-eat-Piata world, and they all have to eat. The Viva Piatas know this all too well, and its hard to build an army of starving cannibals without them devouring one another en masse.
Theyre coming...
Phew! We sure dodged a few bullets there. But how long do we really have left? Its only a matter of time until someone screws up. Ponder such thoughts in the comments below!
Animal enemies sure are popular in video games. For more, check out the 11 cutest animals we've hunted in video games, or browse these 9 enemies we're tired of killing.
