8 Dumbest Movie Security Guards

The Imperial Royal Guard

Guarding: The Imperial Royal Guard (opposite pic, L-R: Biffy, Mungo, Florence, Ginger and Simpkins) are responsible for the security of the Emperor. They follow him everywhere. Even when he goes to bed. Seriously.

I guess you'd get over the awkwardness after a while.

Security Risks: Pretty much everyone who's not in the Imperial Royal Guard poses some sort of security risk. And they can't be that good, as the Emperor does end up getting hurled into a reactor by Vadar.

Paul Blart

Guarding: Paul dreams of being an officer for the New Jersey State Police. However, he's a bit tubby and doesn't quite make it. He has to make do with being a security guard at his local mall.

He also rides a Segway PT. Which is always funny.

Se curity Risks: Usually little more than petty thieves - however, on Black Friday, the busiest shopping day of the year, a nasty gang dressed as Santa's Helpers seize control of the mall.

Paul rises to the occasion (eventually - after finishing playing Rock Band).

Larry Daley

Guarding: Larry is night guard at the American Museum of Natural History in New York.

Security Risks: He's warned not to let anything "in...or out", and he soon comes to realise what this means.

The Museum comes to life at night, a phenomenon which is fully explained by a mumbling mention of some ancient Egyptian artefact or something.

Who needs science, eh? Especially when you've got Steve Coogan dressed up as a Roman General.


Guarding: Three robots are installed in Park Plaza Mall, as part of a new high-tech security system. However, one night, lightning strikes the computer system and the robots malfunction.

Security Risks: It just so happens that the malfunction occurs on the night that a group of yooves decide to have a late-night party after closing time. The - now completely deranged - robots see them as a security risk which needs eliminating.

They eliminate the hell out of that security risk.

Ronnie Barnhardt

Guarding: Out on DVD this week, Observe and Report features Ronnie, a slightly unhinged and depressive guard who is head of mall security at Forest Ridge Mall.

When he fails to get into the police force and is undermined by a police officer taking over his operations, he is evermore eager to prove himself.

Security Risks: Well, there's the flasher: Ronnie's greatest enemy and prize catch. Though it does take the whole film for him to get his hands on the guy. In the meantime, lots of people see his naughty bits.

Earl Montgomery / Hank Rafferty

Guarding: Martin Lawrence is Earl, and Steve Zahn is Hank - two security guards from very different walks of life, but both working for the same security company.

Their pitfall is that they simply hate each other - Earl being responsible for Hank's dismissal from the police force.

Security Risks: They both bite off more than they can chew when they get involved with some proper heavy criminals. And you'd never guess what happens! Yep, they work together, and it all works out somehow. 'Course.

The Doormen

Guarding: These security guards form part of a riddle which must be solved in order to reach the castle of the Goblin King.

One tells the truth, the other lies - and one door leads to the castle; the other, to a horrible death. You don't actually get to see how horrible the death is, which is slightly disappointing.

Security Risks: Sarah appears to be the only security risk they've encountered for a while. Don't ask us how she does it, but she gets the right door. Clever clogs.

Dennis Doyle

Guarding: Dennis works for security at a ladies' clothes shop, and has very little drive to aim any higher than that, until he realises he's still in love with his ex-fiancee. He decides to get into shape and run the London Marathon. All of it.

He spends a lot of his time at work doing childish things with mannequins. It doesn't go down very well with his boss.

Security Risks: Shoplifters, mainly. He's not very good at running after shoplifters.