8 Desperate Movie Virgins
Andy Stitzer
During a poker game, a group of work colleagues recount past sexual conquests.
Andy's claim that he's "forked" a lot of women doesn't really cut the mustard. His cover is well and truly blown when he describes a woman's breast as being like "a bag of sand".
The rest of the film is dedicated to his quest to Become A Man.
Cherry Popped or Squashed? Popped, on his wedding night. Proper romantic.
Suggested Chat-Up Line: "Stroke my chest, it's newly waxed. Not that bit, this bit."
Carrie White
Poor old Carrie is ridiculed by her peers and bullied by her overbearing mother, a super-religious crazy woman.
When she gets a date for the prom, her mother tries to stop her, telling her she'll end up on a road to sex and sin and all that codswallop.
Unfortunately for Carrie, she doesn't get that far.
Cherry Popped or Squashed? Squashed. Or rather, smothered in pig's blood. Carrie gets a bit cross...
Suggested Chat-Up Line: "Let's get me out of these wet clothes."
Jim Levenstein
Jim and his four friends make a pact to lose their virginity before high school's over.
Jim's plight appears to be doomed. Especially when trying to bed the exotic Nadia - he just can't keep the damned wolf from that door (a metaphor).
And then there's the time he has sex with the pie.
Cherry Popped or Squashed? The pie doesn't count (though it definitely gets a bit squashed). Jim's cherry's popped in the end. Phew.
Suggested Chat-Up Line: "Please, please go to bed with me. I need to win this bet."
Sidney Prescott
Sidney's the virgin who's quite happy to remain intact. Her desperation arises out of the fact that there's a psycho on the loose after her blood. Stabby stabby!
She's pretty desperate not to get horrifically murdered, though it appears that her purity protects her from such a fate. Another reason to Just Say No.
Cherry Popped or Squashed? Popped - but boy, does she regret it.
Suggested Chat-Up Line: "Sluts = guts. You'll thank me for being awkward and uptight. Let's hold hands."
Gary
The Last American Virgin follows Gary and his friends' desperate attempts to have sex.
Although his mates are successful (in one instance, both Rick and David manage to have sex with sexy Latino Carmela), Gary's attempts seem to be characterised with near-misses.
Cherry Popped or Squashed? His dreams are squashed when his beloved Karen makes out with Rick. Refreshingly, the film concludes on Gary's heartache - there is no happy ending.
Suggested Chat-Up Line: (To Carmela) "Me next. Go on. You did it with them two."
Every Virgin In Town
In the sleepy Virginian town of Cherry Falls (yeah, clever), a killer is on the loose. A killer with a very specific target.
The bloodied corpses all belong to virgins, and have the word "virgin" carved into their skin. Eesh.
What follows is a desperate scrabble to deflower every teenager in the town. Party on!
Cherry Popped or Squashed? They all congregate to lose their virginities in a mass orgy. There's a great deal of cherry-popping, though some are interrupted when the killer breaks in and goes on a rampage.
Suggested Chat-Up Line: "Quick! Quick! Just stick it in! Let's get this over with!"
Kevin Patterson
Kevin and Perry are two spotty teenagers desperate to lose their virginities. They decide to go to Ibiza to become top DJs and break some teacups (another metaphor).
However, Kevin's parents decide to come along. Kind of cramps Kevin's style.
Cherry Popped or Squashed? Popped, revoltingly. We'd go into details but we just don't want to.
Suggested Chat-Up Line: Any line, no matter how suave, is likely to be thwarted by his balls not-quite dropping.
Edward Woodward
*Spoiler Alert!* Edward is a policeman who arrives on Summersisle in search of a missing schoolgirl.
The Virgin Edward, a devout Christian, is trapped on an island full of naked women. His resolve starts to flag.
Cherry Popped or Squashed? He holds it together, though it's well and truly squashed when he's burned alive. That's got to be a mood-killer.
Suggested Chat-Up Line: "Would you like to come for a crumpet? [ Not a metaphor. ] I've taped Countdown."