7 dumbass things everyone will do when they play Natal

Microsoft's Natal technology promises advanced gesture, facial and voice recognition. It's application in games could open up a whole new wonder playground of hitherto impossible possibilities. Like pretending to drive a car with an invisible steering wheel. Awesome. Of course, for the assholes among us, Natal will offer the chance for some first-class dicking about.

The firstrecorded case of a Natal 'bumming'has already happened, so we've put together a list of seven other stupid, pointless and comprehensively juvenile things gamers who are easily entertained will inevitably end up doing when they have their first go on Natal.

Flip the bird

Above: Even little kids love the finger

Natal can identify individual fingers, so games utilizing the technology should be fully middle-finger compatible.

Do kung-fu-inspired fighting 'moves'

Above: Kind of like this. Kind of

There is something satisfying about pretending to be skilled in the martial arts. This will involve punching through thin air with claw hands while performing a geriatric high kick and screaming "eeeeeeyyyyaaaaaaa".

Pretend to have a wank

Above: Finger penises are funny

If not actually having a wank, then no man will be able to resist the urge to simulate the act of vigorous personal refreshment using Natal. Even vinegar stroke expressions should be transferable to an avatar's face thanks to the facial recognition wizardry. We expect we'll spend a considerable amount of time trying to make a convincing penis using our finger.

Dance like a twat

Above: Perfect your moon walk technique and this could be your avatar

Body-popping. Moon walking. Doing the running man. The fun will know no boundaries. Although those boundaries will probably not exceed four minutes.

Tell a game to "go f*** yourself"

Above: Sweary words make Milo sad

A natural evolution from simply typing the offensive command in primitive old-school text adventures.

Fondle the breasts of female player two

Above: A game that is probably not coming to Natal ever

Because this will involve actually touching the breasts of a real woman. Unless female player two is in fact a man just pretending to be a woman. Which is quite likely.

Look at the bottom of an avatar's shoe

Above: Yes. We're still thinking about it

And shouting "BAM". Obviously.

April 19, 2010

Matt Cundy
I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.