Top Gear
Starring: Steve Coogan as Jeremy Clarkson, Bill Nighy as James May, Ewan McGregor as Richard Hammond, Ben Stiller as The Stig
The pitch: Three men with bad hair argue and mess about with cars. It’s The Fast And The Furious for the middle-aged.
The glitch: Even an IMAX screen would struggle to contain Clarkson’s ego.
Deal Or No Deal
Starring: Richard Attenborough as Noel Edmonds
The pitch: Edmonds is the fiendish, Joker/Jigsaw-esque mastermind who sends his victims boxes which contain either details of their grisly fate or some money.
The glitch: There’d have to be a stupid, budget-busting twist where the studio is revealed to be the contents of a big box held by a giant, bearded, God-like Edmonds.
Antiques Roadshow
Starring: Kristin Scott Thomas as That Woman Who Used To Be On The News
The pitch: That Woman Who Used To Be On The News is a woman archaeologist who rescues old people’s old junk from Nazi collectors and then watches while experts tell them how much it isn’t worth.
The glitch: George Lucas would ruin it by setting it on the moon or something.
Strictly Come Dancing
Starring: David Hasselhoff as Bruce Forsyth, Sienna Miller as Tess Daly
The pitch: An elderly man lurks in the shadows as sprightly youngsters in spangly costumes prance around to jaunty music. Could be a sort of Wizard Of Oz redux, only more frightening.
The glitch: Bruce is a real wizard and, as consultant, would disrupt the set by doing seduction spells on the girls.
The News
Starring: Tom Hanks as Huw Edwards
The pitch: An intrepid but dull explorer searches the world for the truth. He then sits behind a desk and explains his findings. A bit like The Da Vinci Code with a desk.
The glitch: Would have to wait until Hugh Grant's career is sufficiently hopeless for him to agree to play the desk.