Kickboxer (1989)
The Life Lesson: Vengeance must be pursued at all costs.
How It’s Taught: Having seen his brother brutally paralysed at the hands (or rather feet) of Thai kickboxer Tong Po, Van Damme swears vengeance.
It soon becomes clear that Thai mobsters don’t want a rematch to happen, but JCVD ploughs ahead with it anyway, only becoming more determined when his trainer’s niece is beaten and raped in retaliation.
Still, he wins the fight, so we guess it was worth it…
Harry Potter (2001-2011)
The Life Lesson: If you’re not born special, don’t bother.
How It’s Taught: Great people aren’t born great, but they are born with the potential to be great, so if you aren’t born with said potential, you may as well give up.
In Potter-land, people can be neatly divided into those who can do magic, and those who can’t.
The muggles are well documented as being inferior to witches and wizards, but there’s even the pejorative term “squib” to be applied to those born into wizarding families who can’t do magic themselves.
They’re just as run-of-the-mill as muggles it seems, suggesting the only ones worth hearing about, are the special ones. How heartwarming.
The Book Of Eli (2010)
The Life Lesson: When the world inevitably goes tits up, Christianity will show us how to fix it.
How It’s Taught: Set in a post-apocalyptic world, Denzel Washington’s drifter possesses a book in which can be found the secrets to rebuilding society. SPOILER ALERT…the book turns out to be the Bible.
It’s the last copy on Earth, and without it, civilisation is unable to flourish again.
So perhaps the real lesson here is to keep a spare copy at home, because you’ll need it when our way of life goes down the toilet.
The Karate Kid (1984)
The Life Lesson: Strength comes from the mind, not the body.
How It’s Taught: Daniel learns his karate blocks through a number of helpful chores, that not only improve his muscle memory but also turn him into a bit of a boy-scout.
Good thing too, as that’s the sort of moral fibre that will allow him to prevail against Johnny’s underhand tactics in the final fight.
True strength comes from inside you see, so don’t bother going down the gym. Help an old lady across the road instead.
Over The Top (1987)
The Life Lesson: The damage done by walking out on your son can be atoned for via arm-wrestling.
How It’s Taught: Stallone plays a trucker named Hawk who walks out on his family, only to get saddled by his bratty son when his mother dies.
Understandably, Hawk junior isn’t over-enamoured with his wantaway pa, but Hawk manages to turn the relationship on its head by winning an arm-wrestling contest and a big wad of cash.
Who needs family counselling when you’ve got massive guns?
The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
The Life Lesson: Our way of life is going to come back and bite us on the arse.
How It’s Taught: Dennis Quaid discovers that Global Warming really is about to ruin everything, and goes to see the president to tell him.
Sadly, the president couldn’t care less, and the world starts to collapse more or less on the spot.
Basically, we all need to get our act together and turn our tellys off standby, or we’re going to end up being chased by the cold around the New York Public Library.
Point Break (1991)
The Life Lesson: Life should be lived to the extreme.
How It’s Taught: Patrick Swayze’s character Bodhi may be a criminal, but his adrenaline-chasing lifestyle actually instructs Keanu Reeves’ FBI man Utah in how to capture him.
Having seen Bodhi pinch the last parachute and dive out of their plane, Utah jumps out anyway, defying death and intercepting his man in the process.
Sure, Bodhi goes on to escape, but Utah only managers to keep the chase alive by taking things to the extreme. Gnarly, dude.
Scarface (1983)
The Life Lesson: Anyone can achieve the American dream.
How It’s Taught: Tony Montana arrives in America a penniless nobody, but with a bit of perseverance he soon has all the money, power and respect he could ever have dreamed of.
Granted, he ended up losing it all shortly after, but therein lies the second lesson: if you think you want something, make sure you know what the price is, and whether you’re willing to pay it…
RoboCop (1987)
The Life Lesson: Big corporations are almost always up to no good.
How It’s Taught: You could be forgiven for thinking Omni Consumer Products had the best interests of the people at heart by providing a new robot police force to restore order to Detroit.
Of course they didn’t you idiots, they just wanted to seize power from themselves. Never trust businessmen. Or indeed robots. Unless they are acting as a much-needed father figure, as discussed earlier.
Die Hard & Die Hard 2 (1988 & 1990)
The Life Lesson: Journalists are scumbags.
How It’s Taught: Despite the presence of a number of mass-murdering Euro-terrorists, William Atherton’s slippery reporter is arguably presented as the most reprehensible character on show.
Continually putting people’s lives at risk for the sake of boosting celebrity, he embodies everything that right-thinking people loathe about those who work in the media. It’s all lies of course…
