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NBA player (NBA Street)
Oh wait no. Now he's an NBA player. A chubby, short, untrained NBA player capable of beating lifelong professional athletes.
Steroids. Steroids are the only plausible explanation.
Baseball player (Mario Superstar Baseball/Super Mario Sluggers)
Here too. But at least this time hes just playing against the various goofballs of the Mushroom Kingdom. Some of those guys dont even have proper hands. This one gets a pass.
Doctor (Dr. Mario)
This one categorically doesn't. Once again Mario gets too big for his sewage-encrusted boots and risks innocent lives to fuel the fiction playing out in the selfish ego theatre of his mind.
Mario is not a qualified doctor. His patients are really his victims. Fixing metal pipes does not clear one to tinker around with human innards. He probably made those drugs out of drain unblocker.
Stunt bike rider (Excite Bike: Bun Bun Mario Battle Stadium)
At least this time he's only risking his own neck. In this Excite Bike spin-off for the SNES Japan-only Satellaview downloadable gaming system, Mario decided that hurtling around a dirt track pulling backflips on a trial bike was exactly the challenge he needed after mastering all car-based motorsports so early in his career. And lo, a tear rolled down Mario's cheek, for there were no new worlds to conquer.
Surely only Super Mario Extreme Downhill Drag Racing With Bombs All Over The Track And Hungry Alligators At The Bottom is the only place left to go from here.
Construction/demolition worker (Wrecking Crew)
That's better. Back to hitting things with hammers until they break. A disturbing trait in itself, but at least Mario finds productive outlets for it. Though having these aggressive tendencies sitting alongside Mario's delusional, identity-troubled egomania is starting to set off all kinds of psychoanalytical alarm bells now.
Artist (Mario Paint)
Okay, good. A nice calm activity for a change. A healthy, therapeutic, creative pastime. No reason Mario shouldn't have natural talent in the creative arts. And painting should be a great way for him to connect with his inner self and maybe work through the rampant identity confusion he so clearly exhibits.
Though theres also every chance that in a minutes time that sun will have Mario's laughing face scrawled on it as a cruel taunt to the pitifully earthbound human race. Then hell paint the whole thing black and run off into the night screaming about how they'll all suffer.
Toy maker (Mario vs. Donkey Kong)
What's that you say, Mario? You're setting up a toy company? Oh good, that sounds like a healthy new project that can only bring good to the world. Oh what's that? Your only product is going to be a series of walking, talking action figures of yourself? Oh God, here we go again
Theme park owner (Mario vs. Donkey Kong: Mini-Land Mayhem)
By the fourth Mario vs. Donkey Kong game, Mario's toy empire has expanded to take in a theme park dedicated to his little automated offspring of an ego. We would like to point out yet again that being good at fixing sinks in no way qualifies him for an operation of this scale.
Boxing referee (Punchout!!)
Given that Mike Tyson was originally an opponent in the NES version of Punch-Out, were definitely looking at the big leagues of boxing here. And somehow a hammer-loving, booze-monging Vietnam vet has managed to worm his way into the arena of athletically legitimised violence. Not only that, but hes inexplicably in charge of the whole bloody spectacle.
It takes over a year to become a British amateur boxing ref, and at least another year to qualify for overseeing professional matches. Where the hell Mario fitted all that in while also running an average of about three different jobs a week is beyond perplexing.
Champion of all sports (Super Mario Strikers, Mario Sports Mix)
Football, volleyball, dodgeball, hockey. Mario is seemingly pro standard at all of them, as well as the aforementioned golf, tennis, baseball, and all motorsports.
Yet the man has clearly never been to a gym in his life. Hes paying his opponents to throw his games in order to make him look amazing. He must be. His whole sporting career is one big sham of deceitful personal propaganda.
