Cloud City
Wish You Were Here
You know the bit of air travel after the initial take-off terror has subsided and you look out of the window and see miles of soft, rolling white clouds and think, ‘If God had a pillow, it would look like this’? That’s basically this whole holiday, except with AC and room service.
Holiday From Hell
There’s a small chance the military leader of the galactic dictatorship will have arrived right before you did and will have either pressurised the staff into giving him the room you specifically requested - or worse - arranged for your immediate arrest and incarceration in frozen carbon. And compensation vouchers are unlikely to make up for that.
The beach
Wish You Were Here
It sells itself: an idyllic, untouched, pristine paradise, the ultimate find for idealistic Western backpackers trawling the world for that extra-virgin spot to boast about loudly in the office when daddy’s cheques run out.
Holiday From Hell
Turns out it’s full of irksome fools trawling the world for that extra-virgin spot to boast loudly about when they get home. On top of that, they’ve only gone and developed some kind of dystopic self-sufficient hierarchy!
The desert island
Wish You Were Here
The perfect secluded spot to catch up on all the reading you’ve stopped doing since falling into the habit of checking the gossip websites 47 times an hour and obsessively organising your Facebook photo albums. Beautiful beaches, clear blue water, barely a soul in sight…
Holiday From Hell
…which is the problem, really. After you’ve chewed your way through the latest Phillip Roth and squeezed the last squirt of Ambre Solaire, it’ll dawn on you that your ticket says ‘One way’ and you are, in fact, going to die on an isolated desert island.
Lothlrien
Wish You Were Here
Well, it kicks the arse clean off Center Parcs for a woodland getaway. Instead of hiring rickety bikes and trying to reserve permanently booked tennis courts, you can relax by listening to the angelic Elves sing folk tales while staring at Cate Blanchett’s lovely face?
Holiday From Hell
Blanchett’s Elvish queen is a bit intense, and may well turn blue and read your mind. And on day eight, when you’re down to T-shirts with smug slogans, being surrounded by immaculate Elves will make you feel distinctly unwashed. Plus, there's that weird Nazgul family thundering about on undead horses at all hours...
The Axiom
Wish You Were Here
Only idiots cruise in actual water. For the true luxury experience, it’s got to be the stars. The Axiom offers fully automated everything – food preparation, walking assistance, arse-wiping – and almost certainly has a bar on board somewhere with Sky Sports.
Holiday From Hell
It’s designed as a giant electronic nanny to the human race, so spend too much time on board and your descendants will eventually become teeny-boned pink slugs. Oh, and the computer is an insane, mutinous psychopath... Maybe do just one more availability search for last minute Devon cottages...
Skull Island
Wish You Were Here
An unspoiled marvel! A must for adventurous nature-lovers, particularly those with an interest in prehistoric biology. Lush tropical climate, lovely tucked-away beaches and colourful, lively locals.
Holiday From Hell
And by ‘lively’ we mean ‘immutably savage and hostile, with a keen interest in human sacrifice’. It’s okay, though – there’s a far bigger chance you’ll be ripped apart by the island’s giant gorilla, stomped by dinosaurs or chewed up by spiky penis-beasts before the natives can get you.
Narnia
Wish You Were Here
A bit like a school skiing holiday in which all the teachers are permanently propping up the bar and no actual skiing is required. There’s just snow, cutesy talking animals, and no grown-ups telling everyone what to do. Ace!
Holiday From Hell
Umm, except that imposing ice lady with the spiked sweets. She’s cranking the tension by turning people to stone and making the animals sad. Arguments begin. Told you we should have gone for Val d'Isere, etc...
The afterlife
Wish You Were Here
Well, it’s literally Heaven, right? So it’s pretty lush. Looming clouds of golden awesome, sighing trees, spectacular waterfalls... Exactly the kind of place you’d go and never want to come back. Which is lucky, really…
Holiday From Hell
But then there’s the equally literal 'Hell' part. It’s a bit like that time you turned down the wrong alleyway on your way to the beach in Figueira da Foz and it was full of kids with crew-cuts asking you for money. Only with more eternal damnation.
Occupied France
Wish You Were Here
A specialist destination, admittedly. One for all the adventurers out there bored of spamming their mates for sponsor money to climb Kilimanjaro every sodding year. The alternative: a Nazi-scalping wish-fulfilment, 'action holiday' getaway to Nazi-governed France.
Holiday From Hell
Outside the hyperreal context of a splatter-heavy Tarantino flick, this suddenly seems like a terrible idea. Voluntarily infiltrate a military occupancy in order to murder highly trained soldiers? Maybe if the rep is Andy Mc-bleedin'-Nab...
Sin City
Wish You Were Here
Streets ahead of Prague if you’re after a hot and bothered city break for the boys. The bars might be seedy but the strippers look like Hollywood starlets, and there’s a rigorous if not entirely legal trade in backstreet ladies. Fill yer boots!
Holiday From Hell
Do remember it’s best to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to everyone you meet, on the grounds that they’re probably armed. And don’t tangle with the police because they’re all corrupt. Oh, and violence is commonplace, murder is a nightly leisure pursuit... aaand the hookers are actually a cabal of assassins. Uh... Amsterdam, lads?
Twin Peaks
Wish You Were Here
A quiet, beautiful little town tucked away near the Canadian border in the state of Washington. Breathe the air, hike through the sycamore trees, enjoy outstanding coffee and cherry pie in the local diner...
Holiday From Hell
It’s pretty and all, but it’s also the scene of a gruesome incestuous murder, a crime which is itself some kind of manifestation of a more dangerous and ancient evil that resides in the picturesque woods. Ah, but that's just local spook-talk. "Look! Ducks! On the lake!!"
The Domed City
Wish You Were Here
It’s really clean, full of good-looking young people (no-one over 30) and it has a kind of casual sex-club vibe. Oh, and Young Jenny Agutter will be there. You had us at 'casual'...
Holiday From Hell
And this is different from Club 18-30, how? Ah - the fact that the free 'n sleazy sex-club ambience is a front for a post-apocalyptic settlement subject to extreme population control. Oh, and your only neighbours are a sparkly fishing robot and stinky Peter Ustinov. Rubbish.
Naboo
Wish You Were Here
A lush sightseer’s paradise, with rolling green fields, cascading waterfalls, and giant domed cities which look like a sci-fi nerd’s meticulously created airbrushed-poster fantasy. Because - remember - that’s exactly what they are.
Holiday From Hell
Aside from being embroiled in a nasty (and overly complicated) trade embargo, the whole planet is a perceptual nightmare. What the hell’s real and what’s not? Everything has a weird, not-quite-there sheen of over-reaching, decade-old computer imagery about it. It’d be like holidaying in The Land Of Photoshop.
Arrakis
Wish You Were Here
Hot enough for ya? Exotic temperatures, mineral-rich lands and enigmatic locals make this a must-see destination for all the sun-chasers out there. Expect thrills, enlightenment, and worms. Really big worms.
Holiday From Hell
Also expect: treachery, invasion, and a total lack of water. This is a desert planet on which the natives wear all-in-one giant rubber pants so they can drink their own piss, and live with the daily threat of being chewed up by worms. Giant worms. Did we mention those?
The Land Of Oz
Wish You Were Here
A colourful escape from your monotonous existence! A kind of exotic safari, with a mincing lion as your guide along the preselected tour route (a bumpy yellow road made from bricks).
Holiday From Hell
It’s pretty and all, but serious concerns over the ruling administration of Oz make it difficult to recommend anything but non-essential travel. Who’s in charge of this place? Apparently, a mysterious wizard, who makes no attempt to control the warring regional leaders to the north, east, south and west. Magical but unstable.
Neverland
Wish You Were Here
A much sought-after retreat for the usual reasons – lovely woodland, homely cave, friendly bunch of fellow tourists, and the not insignificant benefit of immortality bestowed on anyone who visits and isn’t a pirate.
Holiday From Hell
Actually, on closer inspection those friendly fellow tourists are in fact precocious stage-school kids smarming it up for Spielberg’s over-sentimental camera. And the food is all imaginary. And the pirates are the coolest people here. Is it hometime yet?
Jurassic Park
Wish You Were Here
The theme park to end all theme parks! The attraction is obvious: see living, breathing dinosaurs brought back to life by a revolutionary form of science it’s best not to scrutinise too closely and a cuddly, bearded benefactor. Hooray!
Holiday From Hell
We’re not too bothered by the whole escaping and eating people thing – to be expected, really – but we are concerned by the lack of pterodactyls. Dude, we pay our money, we want flying dinos, right? And where are the anachronistic cavemen guides? Poor.
Far, Far Away
Wish You Were Here
The kind of spangly, sparkly place where fairytales really do come to life. Full of laughter and imagination and happiness. It’s like taking a holiday inside all the half-remembered bits of bedtime story you’ve ever been told.
Holiday From Hell
Well, sort of like that, and sort of like watching the most creative and engaging stories of all time being reduced to demographic-baiting comedy routines which all take place in a smug and perma-sunny recreation of Hollywood.
The English countryside
Wish You Were Here
A good old hearty, rural caravan break. It may not be glamorous – beans over the fire and two snowy channels on the portable telly – but the magic is in the smiling company of the one you love.
Holiday From Hell
The problem being, of course, that the one you love has been killed by the police state, and the caravan and indeed the entire countryside is a figment of your imagination, onto which your sentient brain has fixated during prolonged torture. Bye!
Truman-land
Wish You Were Here
It’s the perfect home-from-home city break. Concerned and caring neighbours, incredibly clean streets, and that cosy feeling that everyone around you knows your name. Perfect...
Holiday From Hell
...so long as you don’t mind being on camera 24/7 as part of some prescient pop-culture experiment into life as a spectator sport, with every aspect of your existence down to the weather decided by some beret-wearing media mogul. No-one with an ounce of dignity or humility would ever sign up for that, right?
