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My Little Pony Begins
Directed By
Christopher Nolan
It’s been around for more than thirty years and survived four different generations of cartoons, toys and pink plastic lunch boxes – My Little Pony deserves a director who can really take it back to its roots. Drawing from Greek mythology and shooting entirely on location, Nolan’s cold, steely origin story would look at how the first Pegasus (Michael Caine, obviously) exorcised his personal demons and journeyed to a land full of annoying teenage unicorns who spend all day brushing their hair and riding around on rainbows.
My Massive Pony
Directed by
Michael Bay
If he can do it for Transformers , he can do it for My Little Pony . At least, that’s what the Hasbro stockholders surely must be thinking at the moment – imagining two warring clans of flying horses locking magical horns in the 3D skies above Los Angeles. Hooves are crashing to a soft-rock soundtrack, skyscrapers are collapsing in glorious slow-motion, sidekicks are more than mildly annoying and Megan Fox is straddling a unicorn in her pants.
Min Lille Pony
Directed by
Nicholas Winding Refn
My Little Pony was born in the ’80s, and so were most of its fans – which fits in nicely with the whole retro-renaissance we’re seeing at the moment. Amp up the garish neon colours, give it a synth-heavy beat and include lots of shots of Ryan Gosling staring at the wall and it’s ready made for Winding Refn. And as the great Dane said himself ( obviously thinking about My Little Pony ), “we must not forget that the second enemy of creativity, after having ‘good taste', is being safe…”
My Little Pony: The IMAX Experience
Directed by
James Cameron
Let’s face it, if you want an “animated” world full of rainbows, waterfalls and multi-coloured flying animals, there’s only one man to turn to. Whilst it’s unlikely James Cameron could bring it in for any less than $300m, there’s a good chance it would make $1bn, get seven sequels and its own theme park. He could even mo-cap Sigourney Weaver into the lead matriarch role of Princess Celestia and find something for Sam Worthington to plug his 'pony' tail into.
My Really Little Pony
Directed by
Edgar Wright
How little is little? See what Edgar Wright would have done with Ant Man 's micro world by having him tell the story of a slacker (Simon Pegg) who finds a really, really small pony (voiced by Nick Frost) in the woods and carries it around with him all day. Cue comic-book references, jarring jump cuts and ’80’s kids cartoon in-jokes. Sort of like Grandpa In My Pocket . With ponies.
The Human Pony
Directed by
Tom Six
Apparently, grown men who still love My Love Pony are called ‘Bronys’. With an in-built over-18 audience, there’s no reason why the new film can’t go really adult. Eli Roth and James Wan are all good choices to bring out the scares, but give The Human Centipede director Tom Six a line of willing, grinning princess ponies that all have a hole in one end and a massive great unicorn horn on the other, and it doesn’t take much imagination to see where he’d go next…
Die Little Pony
Directed by
Quentin Tarantino
He’s good with horses ( Django Unchained ), he’s okay with animation ( Kill Bill ) and he’s brilliant with retro-themed ensembles based on all the old tat that no one ever borrowed from the video shop. The first My Little Pony movie (which you know he’s seen) literally makes no sense – starring Danny de Vito, an unstoppable purple ooze and a flying horse called ‘Morning Glory’ – so there’s plenty of scope for Tarantino to turn it into a violent revenge epic with a killer soundtrack. And Samuel L. Jackson.
I, Little Pony
Directed by
Terrence Malick
At heart, My Little Pony is all about nature. Or is it love? Or friendship? Or God? Or everything ? Terrence Malick’s philosophical take on the cartoon explores the pastoral ideal through voice over, golden hour photography and long, meditative shots of the wilderness – leaves blowing in the wind, light filtering gently through the trees and a load of pink flying ponies singing songs about candy floss.
Me, My Little Pony And I
Directed by
The Farrelly Brothers
Talking horses are inherently funny. Talking, flying, preening, giggling horses are absolutely hilarious – with My Little Pony crying out for a piss-take reboot a la Jump Street and The Lego Movie . Better still, gross-out kings Peter and Bobby Farrelly could have a field day by CGing Jim Carrey's rubber face onto Derpy Hooves' pony legs – farting rainbows, pooing dreams and awkwardly combing friendship juice out of his blond mane.
Total Pony
Directed by
Guy Ritchie
Sweetie Belle, Pinkie Pie, Apple Jack, Spike, Snips and Spitfire. The ponies of Ponyland already sound like a bunch of Eastend geezers, so there's no reason why the sickly sweet American voices couldn't rouged up a bit in a British remake. Danny Dyer, Ray Winstone and Dexter Fletcher would make great 'orses –getting their cutie marks inked in, hanging out at the track and singing “friendship is fackin magic”.
