What to say to the guy who comments "First!!!!"

Comment etiquette dictates that the first commenter must tack the word “first” to the beginning or the end of any comment they make.

Like this:

By following this protocol everyone will always know that you posted before they did, which is important. Some readers will infer this from the way your comment appears at the top of the page, but others – particularly those who skip past the entire article and read comments in random order - will still see that your comment is the most important because you’ve written “first.”

So that you don’t have to deal with hassle of skipping past all of our writing, we’ve picked out the best examples of comments containing the word “first” and their responses. They will entertain you, spark your imagination, leave you befuddled in front of your softly glowing monitor and teach you about the true nature of humanity. Read on carefully, for one day you too might be in a position to write “first,” and on that day you’ll have to decide if it’s too douchey or not.

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It must have been the “fifth” that pushed The_Lurcher over the edge – keep it up everyone, but seriously, “fifth?”

This wasn’t the last time we heard from our friend The_Lurcher:

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This tentative “first” from game-thugsta seemed to go alright at first. However, his lack of self-confidence left him wide open for an attack from his fellow Radar readers.

Then Skaface followed up the first comment with something we haven’t read. We would have cut the non-first-related posts between the relevant comments out of this article, but then we’d have to give that much attention to ALL of these comment cutouts, and that would’ve taken way too long.

Titanguy654 saw thugsta’s weakness and called him a boob, and being careful to not make the same mistake thugsta did, he also says something related to the article, which he prefaced with “related to the article,” just in case you didn’t notice.

After that, there are a few more comments related to “firsts,” but we aren’t going to annotate them because we’ve written enough on this section already. 

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moronboy called himself out after a nearly being first. That’s all we have to say about that.

The “Firsts” That Got Deleted

Comments that have been reported are red. They won’t show up on the site when you visit the page, but we promise you that, at one time, they were actually there. Also - just so you know - we don’t delete comments ourselves (generally). All deleted comments in this article have been reported by the authors’ peers.

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Lucky for silvereye, his clamor to correctly identify the numerical placement of his comments has been mostly deleted… but only mostly. That saves silver the shame of being permanently preserved in our database of comments, and he need not fear his grandchildren one day learning what a slow typist he was.

Helix92, on the other hand, was just deleted for not saying anything useful along with his “first.”

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To quote MechGyver from our E3 article Top 10 things you need to know: Tuesday edition, which you’ve already read, he says “what a moron(boy)!!!” in response to moronboy’s “first” in a the second comment space. And now, thanks to our investigation, Mechgyver can never be president.

Don’t worry, he makes it eventually:

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Most people who get their comments quickly crushed by other users don’t start off by telling everyone exactly why their comment has no value. We salute you gmilf71, for cutting right through to the point, which is that your comment should be deleted.

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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. If you don’t succeed after that, you’re probably doing it wrong.


  • PatHan-bHai - June 25, 2013 4:44 a.m.

    Last! :P
  • Pocotron - September 9, 2009 9:07 p.m.

    Last!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Or first from newest first!
  • hooterscpufantasm - July 26, 2009 11:41 p.m.

    @animeman dude, how many fists did u think we thought you had (or that we even cared to know) also..... FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you may not get this until 24 days and 2 hours after the posting, though i also can see the future and have the power of telekinesis so back off
  • Marshmellow - July 10, 2009 11:12 p.m.

    two hundred eleventh why have you made an artical about the attention seeking dwebs who comment first. I mean here we are politly ingnoring them in the hope they'll go away and youn go an give them an endorcement. it's not like the read the articals so why do it?
  • Kaeda - July 10, 2009 11:32 a.m.

    Hilarious. Especially your own little "First" at the end. In the name and spirit of this article... 210th!!!!!
  • kryptkeeper666 - July 10, 2009 9:43 a.m.

    30 bucks says almost all the removed comments are ppl talking about "First" Shit.
  • blizzard101 - July 9, 2009 1:37 p.m.

  • Bossco - July 8, 2009 9:14 p.m.

    206th! No one is going to read this far down anyway, I can say what I like. Hairy arse donkey fucker!
  • Hobogonigal - August 31, 2012 11:27 p.m.

    I saw it. For shame, for shame...
  • First - July 7, 2009 12:17 p.m.

    I joined this website after reading this hilarious article, it had me crying with laughter. Btw people who complain about 'first' posters are gay goody two shoes who don't have the balls or finger dexterity to say first.
  • Turkeykilla7 - July 7, 2009 12:05 p.m.

    And 200 and FIRST. Im so awsome I stole 2 spaces. Oh my word, my First 200 hundred and FIRST. super Pwnies
  • Turkeykilla7 - July 7, 2009 noon

    200th WOOOOT Thats a great Number. This is Tots Super Pwnies. Suck on that Bill Cosby. Suck it.
  • Terminator58 - July 7, 2009 7:08 a.m.

    OMFG, funniest article iv ever read. i had 2 make an acount just so i could say... FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS NUMBER 198 BITCHES SUCK MY COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • JelloPuddingP0ps - July 6, 2009 4:31 p.m.

  • Xplosive59 - July 6, 2009 3:35 p.m.

    one hundred and eighty ninth YES there i did it or first if you read it backwards first @ Gmilf71 i did
  • nyef - July 6, 2009 3:31 p.m.

    @the lurcher yeah kinda funny how many "first" posts were reported for not being first. Paul Ryan beat them all to it... that's why I'm playing it safe at 189th...
  • The_Lurcher - July 6, 2009 2:04 p.m.

    wow alot of people have tried to be ironic about shouting first on an article about how shouting first is a BAD IDEA and have Failed miserably... oh and ZOMG I CAN'T BELIEVE PAUL RYAN SAID MY USERNAME but i can't tell if he's insulting me for ranting (i do that extremely well! (well im english what did you expect)) or congratulating me for telling all those people that first is for people who can only count to 1. ReCAPTCHA: today infested
  • gmilf71 - July 6, 2009 2:42 a.m.

    no one's gonna read this so.... FUCK BALLS TITTIES DILDO PENIS BALLS SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH OLOLOLOLOLOL. If someone did read this, I appologize.
  • gmilf71 - July 6, 2009 2:40 a.m.

    so theres a group of penguins and they see a slide. so they all went on it. the first penguin says: "weeee!" the second penguin says:"yay!!" the third penguin says:" I'm a radio!!!!" btw, i got 180th. that is an important number, right?
  • GrantG - July 6, 2009 12:36 a.m.


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