Video game characters have exactly the same problems that we do, we just don't hear about them. They still have to tie their shoelaces, work out whether to buy chocolate biscuits or plain and manage their cash flow. But they also have to ring up tech support when their electronic devices go wrong. So here are six transcriptions of conversations between game characters and tech support. Starting with...
Spent loads of money on death-bringing contraptions which never, ever work
Transcription log of call dated Dec 7, 1992, 10:52am:
Tech Support: Hello, can I take your Customer Reference number, please?
Ivo Robotnik: Finally! I’ve been waiting on the line for 25 minutes, you incompetent buffoon. I’m not the sort of person who likes to be kept waiting. I could crush you like an ant.
TS: Sir, I need your customer reference number.
IR: Oh damn your eyes! Very well, it’s 5507465998-5.
TS: Thank you. One moment, please. Thank you sir, you’re through to Mobius Infernal Contraptions tech support. My name is Chris. How may I help you?
IR: Surely you must see that your devices are worthless? How can steel and fire and all manner of grabby things not stand up to a few nudges from a mere fleshy hedgehog? All my Mobius Infernal Contraptions have fallen apart within three weeks of ownership!
TS: I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been having problems with your Mobius Infernal Contraptions, sir. However, acts of hog are not covered by our warranty.
IR: You fool! I took out the ‘Evil Megalomaniac Fully Comprehensive’ policy. Why am I paying 45 rings more each month if it doesn’t cover hedgehog damage?
TS: I’m sorry, sir. If you read paragraph 6.5 of the Mobius Infernal Contraptions Warranty, you’ll see that this was expressly stated in the agreement you made when you signed up for the policy.
IR: (sounds of paper being leafed)
IR: Oh, I see… It’s just as this tome pamphlet predicted… You’re not going to get away with this!
TS: Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?
IR: Yes… where is your factory located, precisely?
TS: Our business address is Mobius Infernal Contraptions, Unit 14, Oil Ocean Zone Business Park, Oil Ocean, Mobius, sir. You may use that for correspondence. However, if you wish to make a complaint, I can put you through to our complaints department now.
IR: No, no, that’s fine. One more thing, though. Do you stock a missile big enough to blow up a large building. Say… the size of a warehouse complex? Or... a factory?
TS: I’m afraid I’ll have to put you through to sales for that, sir.
IR: Thank you. I can hold.
Click through to Page 2 to find out what Dovahkiin from Skyrim is having trouble with...