is Presidents' Day in the U.S., which means a lot of us have the day off. Less importantly, however, today is a day to reflect on… stuff our presidents did, I
guess? Like that time when George Washington cut down his father’s cherry tree
and didn’t lie about it, and that other time when Abraham Lincoln killed a
bunch of vampires. Those are things that happened, right? Sure.
why waste time talking about the fictitious adventures of real presidents, when
we can just cut out the middleman and talk about fictitious presidents? We’ve
already covered the best of those in an earlier Top
7, though, so now let’s look at some of the rest. In fact, let’s look at
the absolute worst. What follows are the
most incompetent and villainous North American leaders we could think of.
Oh, and be forewarned: SPOILERS AHEAD!
7. President Winters
the first female U.S. president in Vanquish’s vision of the future, Elizabeth
Winters sets a pretty grim precedent. For starters, her administration gets to
deal with the hijacking of an American orbital colony, followed almost
immediately by the colony’s hijackers using its solar-powered cannon to
microwave San Francisco from space.
Above: Also this happens
having to deal with that isn’t enough to make her an awful president (although
we’re going to guess a lot of hard questions were asked about how it happened
on her watch). And it’s hardly the mark of a bad president to launch a
full-scale retaliation when the ultranationalist Russian forces who captured
the space colony demand her surrender.
Especially not when they dress like this
what makes Winters a terrible president is that it was all kind of her fault.
See, it turns out that the ultranationalists took power in a coup that Winters
secretly backed, with the intention of later betraying them and using their rebellion
as a pretext for war. But the Russians were one step ahead, and took over the
colony to pre-empt her ability to attack them with it. That didn’t stop her
from trying to override their control and melt Moscow, though, and when that
failed, well… let’s just say it didn’t end nicely.
this lady is just all about
6. President Ronnie
From: Bad Dudes
vs. Dragon Ninja
we should say that by including President Ronnie on this list, we are not
casting aspersions on Ronald Reagan. President Ronnie is not Ronald Reagan, although he’s very clearly based on him. What’s
the difference? Well, for starters, Reagan was never actually kidnapped
by a gang of ninjas, nor did his preferred bodyguards ever go out in public
wearing black tank tops and sweatpants.
Above: Ugh, god, these guys
the fact that President Ronnie let his guard down long enough to get kidnapped,
we never find out exactly WHY the Dragon Ninja went and grabbed him in the
first place. The truth is that President Ronnie, using “rampant ninja related
crimes” as an excuse, had recently turned all his energies to a radical
anti-ninja agenda. This included, among other things, empowering police
departments nationwide to stop and question any patriotic ninja-Americans they
deemed “suspicious,” and to hit them with “a charged-up super punch” if they protested.
shouldn’t have really come as a surprise to anyone, considering that it capped
a 20-year career of crusading against anything cool, which began when Ronnie –
then governor of California – passed a law expressly forbidding drawings of
scorpions, cobras and “awesome forts” in school notebooks. The ninjas had their
backs against the wall, left with nowhere to turn and no clear recourse other
than to kidnap the man who had made their lives hell. That is until the Bad
Dudes came and thinned their ranks to the point of near-extinction. Great job, Bad Dudes. Just wash those burgers down with the anguished cries of a million oppressed ninjas, why don't you?
you know what? Let’s just replace President Ronnie with the weird, vaguely
Bush-like stand-in from the NES version of Bad Dudes, because that guy is
clearly way worse.
what the hell flag is that? A Union Jack? TERRIBLE PRESIDENT