A bad game port is just like an ageing beauty queen. Sure, you can tell she was kinda hot before the ravages of age crushed her looks and her spirit, but those qualities are pretty hard to see under all the cosmetic surgery and cheap mascara. The words we just done typed also relate to games… eh, just replace the reconstructive surgery with crippling slow down or terrifyingly bad pop-up. Just like the aforementioned imaginary GILF, these games were all once great. Well, until the botched facelift/half-assed ports.
So much criticism, so little time. There are loads of disappointing conversions we could have crowbarred onto this list, but alas, seven is such a small number. Each of the games above would have all totally deserved their places if we were treading the murky waters of a top 10. The Orange Box on PS3 was outsourced to an external EA developer and the resulting frame rate was so choppy, it made our peepers weep. PES 2008 was also blighted with terrible slowdown. And the less said about the SNES version of Mortal Kombat replacing the red stuff with grey sweat, the better.
The console it was crapped out on: Eh... PC. We promise this sub-header will fit with the rest of the entries.
Why it should have been great: Inarguably the best Resi of them all and arguably one of the most important games ever made, Leon's adventure appearing on PC with a major hike in textures and all the extras from the PS2 title should have made this the ultimate version of an enduring classic. So it was a pity the PC port was pumped out in half-assed fashion, suffering from low-res FMVs and other, even bigger problems.
Above: Keep squinting, squinty. Leon's not gonna look any less shit
Why it was a conversion car crash: Like remembering to brush your teeth after coming in from a night on the pints, the PC version of Capcom's classic was an afterthought. Developed by no name developer SourceNext, it was first released in Hong Kong in early 2007, a full two years after the original Gamecube incarnation. If you have problems reading the headlines of features you're probably thinking: "Geez, a whole extra 730 days to buff all that monster murderising to a high sheen." Well, sir; you would be wrong. Aside from the aforementioned shitty FMV movies, the game was also hit by rendering woes, and it was plagued by shadow and lighting problems until a patch was released.
Worse, though, the problematic port had no mouse support, usually leading to situations like this...
Above: Just like a cop, brings a keyboard to a chainsaw fight
Thanks to some cumbersome keyboard controls, playing the game without some sort of pad was about as awkward as going steady with your dim-witted second cousin. The developer never addressed these issues, and it was left to an unofficial patch to right the wrongs of the inbred controls by adding in mouse support. Luckily, the core game remained as brilliantly paced and utterly memorable as ever, regardless of any unpleasant cousin-dating connotations.
The console it was crapped out on: SNES
Why it should have been great: One of the most beloved side-scrolling beat 'em ups of the early 90s, Final Fight had all the qualities of Streets of Rage, minus that stupid shitting kid who ruined the sequels. Also, one of the characters is a friggin' wrestler turned mayor of the city, who has promised to crack down on crime... possibly by suplexing it. Quite frankly, if you weren't excited about the prospect of having said chokeslamming city official in the comfort of your living room in 1990, you were either dead inside or you had some strange aversion to seeing a six foot man in tight jeans beating the hell out of women.
Above: In fairness, the girl seen on the left from the Japanese Super Famicom port technically
has a dick, thus making the violent assault fine, right? <Cheers to Scroll Boss for the images>
Why it was a conversion car crash: Sheeeeeit, our total bad. Did we forget to mention the whole hermaphrodite thang? Well, that's not a problem. Now gather round little children and we shall tell you a tale. In the Japanese version there were once two characters called Roxy and Posion. While these two pixelly beauties may have looked like fine upstanding members of virtual society (well, apart from when they tried to introduce your intestines to a steak knife), they were actually hiding a 'concealed weapon' in their hot pants - hint: a massive dick.
Above: Poison, exactly as she appears in the arcade game
Understandably wary of how women with trouser snakes would be interpreted abroad, Capcom replaced them with Sex Pistols wannabes Sid and Billy in all other versions.
Above: Our sentiments exactly, Poison
So that's already one black mark for the SNES version. C'mon who doesn't love a bit of genitally-confused 16-bit action? Of course, some folk might see the ommission of the arcade version's two player mode as a bigger problem. That's right, in a genre famed for being scientifically loads more awesome when played with another bipedal sentient lifeform, they only went and bloody removed the multiplayer. Oh, and the game's Industrial Area and playable character Guy were also removed. Seriously, SNES Final Fight, you might as well just mug us and leave our battered corpse to rot under a bridge.
Above: Not even Tom Selleck could save this port. And Tom Selleck is amazing