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The Top 7... worst video game ports that should've been taken out back with a shotgun

A bad game port is just like an ageing beauty queen. Sure, you can tell she was kinda hot before the ravages of age crushed her looks and her spirit, but those qualities are pretty hard to see under all the cosmetic surgery and cheap mascara. The words we just done typed also relate to games… eh, just replace the reconstructive surgery with crippling slow down or terrifyingly bad pop-up. Just like the aforementioned imaginary GILF, these games were all once great. Well, until the botched facelift/half-assed ports.


Dishonourable mentions

So much criticism, so little time. There are loads of disappointing conversions we could have crowbarred onto this list, but alas, seven is such a small number. Each of the games above would have all totally deserved their places if we were treading the murky waters of a top 10. The Orange Box on PS3 was outsourced to an external EA developer and the resulting frame rate was so choppy, it made our peepers weep. PES 2008 was also blighted with terrible slowdown. And the less said about the SNES version of Mortal Kombat replacing the red stuff with grey sweat, the better.


7. Resident Evil 4, 2007

The console it was crapped out on: Eh... PC. We promise this sub-header will fit with the rest of the entries.

Why it should have been great: Inarguably the best Resi of them all and arguably one of the most important games ever made, Leon's adventure appearing on PC with a major hike in textures and all the extras from the PS2 title should have made this the ultimate version of an enduring classic. So it was a pity the PC port was pumped out in half-assed fashion, suffering from low-res FMVs and other, even bigger problems.


Above: Keep squinting, squinty. Leon's not gonna look any less shit

Why it was a conversion car crash: Like remembering to brush your teeth after coming in from a night on the pints, the PC version of Capcom's classic was an afterthought. Developed by no name developer SourceNext, it was first released in Hong Kong in early 2007, a full two years after the original Gamecube incarnation. If you have problems reading the headlines of features you're probably thinking: "Geez, a whole extra 730 days to buff all that monster murderising to a high sheen." Well, sir; you would be wrong. Aside from the aforementioned shitty FMV movies, the game was also hit by rendering woes, and it was plagued by shadow and lighting problems until a patch was released.

Worse, though, the problematic port had no mouse support, usually leading to situations like this...


Above: Just like a cop, brings a keyboard to a chainsaw fight

Thanks to some cumbersome keyboard controls, playing the game without some sort of pad was about as awkward as going steady with your dim-witted second cousin. The developer never addressed these issues, and it was left to an unofficial patch to right the wrongs of the inbred controls by adding in mouse support. Luckily, the core game remained as brilliantly paced and utterly memorable as ever, regardless of any unpleasant cousin-dating connotations.


6. Final Fight, 1991

The console it was crapped out on: SNES

Why it should have been great: One of the most beloved side-scrolling beat 'em ups of the early 90s, Final Fight had all the qualities of Streets of Rage, minus that stupid shitting kid who ruined the sequels. Also, one of the characters is a friggin' wrestler turned mayor of the city, who has promised to crack down on crime... possibly by suplexing it. Quite frankly, if you weren't excited about the prospect of having said chokeslamming city official in the comfort of your living room in 1990, you were either dead inside or you had some strange aversion to seeing a six foot man in tight jeans beating the hell out of women.


Above: In fairness, the girl seen on the left from the Japanese Super Famicom port technically
has a dick, thus making the violent assault fine, right? <Cheers to Scroll Boss for the images

Why it was a conversion car crash: Sheeeeeit, our total bad. Did we forget to mention the whole hermaphrodite thang? Well, that's not a problem. Now gather round little children and we shall tell you a tale. In the Japanese version there were once two characters called Roxy and Posion. While these two pixelly beauties may have looked like fine upstanding members of virtual society (well, apart from when they tried to introduce your intestines to a steak knife), they were actually hiding a 'concealed weapon' in their hot pants - hint: a massive dick.


Above: Poison, exactly as she appears in the arcade game

Understandably wary of how women with trouser snakes would be interpreted abroad, Capcom replaced them with Sex Pistols wannabes Sid and Billy in all other versions.


Above: Our sentiments exactly, Poison

So that's already one black mark for the SNES version. C'mon who doesn't love a bit of genitally-confused 16-bit action? Of course, some folk might see the ommission of the arcade version's two player mode as a bigger problem. That's right, in a genre famed for being scientifically loads more awesome when played with another bipedal sentient lifeform, they only went and bloody removed the multiplayer. Oh, and the game's Industrial Area and playable character Guy were also removed. Seriously, SNES Final Fight, you might as well just mug us and leave our battered corpse to rot under a bridge.


Above: Not even Tom Selleck could save this port. And Tom Selleck is amazing

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56 comments

  • warlord2080 - January 3, 2012 1:36 p.m.

    i think another game that they may have left out is shadow of the beast for the sega genesis faster enemies and crappy hit detection.
  • Sabtos - September 9, 2010 2:16 a.m.

    Yeah, PC was exactly what I experienced RE4 on. I still can not comprehend the logic behind the control scheme. For the most part I got used to it, but the only reason I played it on PC was because I borrowed it.
  • Clovin64 - September 8, 2010 6:42 p.m.

    I dont think Bayonetta on PS3 was that bad. Slighty worse garaphics and irritating load times aside, it was a fine game. I finished it twice and was able to ignore the problems after a while. The only really annoying part was when you die during a tricky boss fight and are forced to endure a massve load time before you can give it another hot. Surely that Street Fighter II port was worse?
  • AuthorityFigure - September 8, 2010 10:43 a.m.

    You're kidding yourself if you think the white pellets in Pacman were 'iconic'...
  • philipshaw - September 8, 2010 10:20 a.m.

    Pac Man does look awful but I forgot how bad Mercs 2 was
  • 435 - September 8, 2010 9:47 a.m.

    Tom Selleck -is- awesome.
  • therawski - September 7, 2010 6:26 p.m.

    As an American I love this quote: "hundreds of undead Americans" But I couldn't believe that people were saying red dead was a bad port on ps3, I had absolutely no problems with it.
  • rytr - September 7, 2010 2:57 p.m.

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  • Rockmotron9000 - September 7, 2010 8:46 a.m.

    god i LOVE top7! most of the entries were spectacular! especially liked SF2 and the Wii version of DR. when will developers learn not to port awesome games to the Wii?
  • jmcgrotty - September 7, 2010 6:47 a.m.

    "Unlike the writer of these words and probably loads of you reading this, Monsieur Cundos was actually alive in 1982" Dear god, is this true? The average age around here is that young? How depressing.
  • manicania - September 7, 2010 4:08 a.m.

    I really don't get what's so bad about Bayonetta for the PS3. So the graphics are slightly worse than Xbox, so what? The controls are fine, the gameplay is solid, the combat is good, what's the problem? Even from the video, the only thing you notice is slightly worse graphics...
  • silellak - September 7, 2010 3:59 a.m.

    A good list, but it really should've included the Ultima VII port for the Super Nintendo: http://rpgcodex.net/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=34561 *twitch*
  • FauxFurry - September 7, 2010 2:28 a.m.

    It was games like Pac-Man, Indiana Jones and E.T. that caused me not only to feel less than the slightest twinge of dread when it appeared that console gaming would go away for good,I practically welcomed it. The box art was more fun than games themselves,quite the opposite of even the worst games nowadays where box art is just a formality. That's the only thing that I get remotely nostalgic about!
  • skynetiscoming - September 7, 2010 12:23 a.m.

    I played through that piece of shit Mercenaries 2 twice on PS2 and half a time on the PS3. God what a mess.
  • Yirba - September 6, 2010 11:36 p.m.

    I really hate to keep on mentioning it, bu Roxy really is a girl. It's only Poison who's a guy. And Nintendo removed them because they didn't approve of violence against women.
  • KaiokenKid - September 6, 2010 11:05 p.m.

    @lovinmyps3: but.... dont you play on PS3? (I kid, I kid, but still, PS3 dosent usualy get the BEST best version.)
  • lovinmyps3 - September 6, 2010 10:30 p.m.

    I'm glad I haven't suffered from any of the horrible ports. I always get the good version!
  • Onepersonwithnoopinion - September 6, 2010 10:15 p.m.

    I'm surprised that this feature isn't filled with just fighting games and RTSs. Starcraft 64 and Command and Conquer PS1 for instance.
  • KaiokenKid - September 6, 2010 9:26 p.m.

    @JADENkOTOR: Yeah, ive grown to try and not let stuff like this get me mad, and pheonix seemed resonable and he didnt do the stupid "mah PS3 is teh bestest" type of stuff alot of people do, so there was no need to get mad. I have both consoles, so really, I dont see why I should care that much. It does kinda bother me that most times the 360 version does look a bit better then the PS3 version, maybe because I believe that the console with the (arguably) better looking exclusives should atleast be able to get the same results as the other console. that dosent seem to unresonable to me. And the only way I think this can really be fixed is having teh PS3 as the lead paltform all the time for multiplatform games or devs need to find a way to get equal performance from going from 360 to PS3. But that way dosent seem very likely, so I think the best we can hope for is that the "Using PS3 as lead platform for all our games" catches on alot more then it is now, because the only big time studio doing that way of deving is EA. smaller devs are doing that too like Lucas Arts, but really, the devs doing this type of deving are a small portion of the larger dev pool. Which makes me think it wont catch on before this gen is out because games usualy take 2 years to develop.
  • Gamesarerad - September 6, 2010 9:18 p.m.

    What show was that in the bayonetta pic with the dinosaurs? I remember watching that creepy ass show as a kid.

Showing 1-20 of 56 comments

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