The most stupidly stupid game scenarios ever

A lot of videogames have weird plots. Given the "go anywhere, do anything" nature of the medium, even relatively conventional storylines can find themselves snorting PCP with the Mad Hatter in Hideo Kojima's bathtub by the start of act 3.

Some games however, start bang in the middle of the asylum with no pretensions of making any sense whatsoever. Their entire central concepts are so whacked out that any attempt to make logical sense of them can only result in an aneurism. Some border on genius. Some are just moronic. We'll let you decide which is which.

A man trained only in plumbing decides that his skills are transferable to the field of human medicine. Hilarity ensues. You want to know what really happens when a plumber tries his hand at human physiology? This. This is what happens.

The King of all Cosmos, wise and regal superbeing that he is, has accidentally destroyed all the stars whilst on a drunken bender. Just like a dickhead. Do you kick his sorry, hungover arse? Do you make distressingly loud noises and rub his nose in his own vomit? No, you do not. Instead, you fix his mistake, by rolling the houses and possessions of the innocent up into huge spherical landfills. And lo! The universe is saved!

The entire world quakes beneath the iron fist of an insidious AI satellite; a satellite originally launched to keep an eye on natural disasters but long since gone the way of Skynet. So what do you do?

Isn’t it obvious? Are you an idiot?! You start combat racing of course, because the destruction you bring about by trying to blow up your friends will confuse the satellite’s natural disaster detector and make it flip right out, ridding the world of its cruel tyranny once and for all. Well durr.

So there’s this asteroid, right? And it’s hurtling towards the Earth at dinosaur-worrying speeds. And all of the scientists who could have stopped it are dead.

But there’s this watch, and this watch can transform its wearer into a superhero. The kind of guy who has the power to destroy asteroids. Convenient or what?! One problem though. The watch is only available on a TV shopping channel, and that channel presumably broadcasts from the goddamn moon, because they’re certainly not donating it for the good of the planet. So you’ve got to redeem reward points to get it.

But you’re a kid. A poor, penniless kid. So you’ve got to spend the week before the massive death-rock hits doing odd jobs to earn the money to buy the crap to get the reward points to get the watch to destroy the asteroid to save the world. And no-one else will help. Apart from your Grandad. He’s got magic powers and can delay the asteroid if you’re taking too long. He won’t go so far as to stop it for you though. Probably a character-building exercise or something.

As we all know, you're not qualified to be a JRPG hero unless you're an innocent yet disaffected teen, cast out to the fringes of a cruel society who will one day accept you once you've saved the world. The hero of this obscure, Jap-only entry is no exception, having been thrown out of town because he doesn't like tomatoes!

It's tomartheid, if you will.

Fruit and veg. Serious business.