The most stupidly stupid game scenarios ever

A lot of videogames have weird plots. Given the "go anywhere, do anything" nature of the medium, even relatively conventional storylines can find themselves snorting PCP with the Mad Hatter in Hideo Kojima's bathtub by the start of act 3.

Some games however, start bang in the middle of the asylum with no pretensions of making any sense whatsoever. Their entire central concepts are so whacked out that any attempt to make logical sense of them can only result in an aneurism. Some border on genius. Some are just moronic. We'll let you decide which is which.

A man trained only in plumbing decides that his skills are transferable to the field of human medicine. Hilarity ensues. You want to know what really happens when a plumber tries his hand at human physiology? This. This is what happens.

The King of all Cosmos, wise and regal superbeing that he is, has accidentally destroyed all the stars whilst on a drunken bender. Just like a dickhead. Do you kick his sorry, hungover arse? Do you make distressingly loud noises and rub his nose in his own vomit? No, you do not. Instead, you fix his mistake, by rolling the houses and possessions of the innocent up into huge spherical landfills. And lo! The universe is saved!

The entire world quakes beneath the iron fist of an insidious AI satellite; a satellite originally launched to keep an eye on natural disasters but long since gone the way of Skynet. So what do you do?

Isn’t it obvious? Are you an idiot?! You start combat racing of course, because the destruction you bring about by trying to blow up your friends will confuse the satellite’s natural disaster detector and make it flip right out, ridding the world of its cruel tyranny once and for all. Well durr.

So there’s this asteroid, right? And it’s hurtling towards the Earth at dinosaur-worrying speeds. And all of the scientists who could have stopped it are dead.

But there’s this watch, and this watch can transform its wearer into a superhero. The kind of guy who has the power to destroy asteroids. Convenient or what?! One problem though. The watch is only available on a TV shopping channel, and that channel presumably broadcasts from the goddamn moon, because they’re certainly not donating it for the good of the planet. So you’ve got to redeem reward points to get it.

But you’re a kid. A poor, penniless kid. So you’ve got to spend the week before the massive death-rock hits doing odd jobs to earn the money to buy the crap to get the reward points to get the watch to destroy the asteroid to save the world. And no-one else will help. Apart from your Grandad. He’s got magic powers and can delay the asteroid if you’re taking too long. He won’t go so far as to stop it for you though. Probably a character-building exercise or something.

As we all know, you're not qualified to be a JRPG hero unless you're an innocent yet disaffected teen, cast out to the fringes of a cruel society who will one day accept you once you've saved the world. The hero of this obscure, Jap-only entry is no exception, having been thrown out of town because he doesn't like tomatoes!

It's tomartheid, if you will.

Fruit and veg. Serious business.


  • FanofSaiyan - January 31, 2010 6:13 p.m.

    Dr. Mario, Katamari Damacy, and Frogger... pure awesomeness. >D
  • PhantomRose96 - January 13, 2010 1:13 a.m.

    It's Okay Frogger; I just forgot how to walk.
  • PhantomRose96 - January 13, 2010 1:12 a.m.

    Oh Frogger...Very few things can sadden a gamer more than a frog who cannot swim.
  • mentalityljs - June 25, 2009 2:27 a.m.

    "A frog has to use logs to get across a stream, because he can’t swim." LMFAO Brilliant! recaptcha: but lettering
  • MoonPig - May 6, 2009 2:54 p.m.

    LMAO! Loved the Bus Driver entry.
  • Kruiser - May 6, 2009 1:48 p.m.

    Wow, some snippy comments today guys. You must have found a better alternate website for looking up hilarious yet educational videogame related stories and lists. Oh, that place doesn't exist and you yourself don't add one positive thing to the internets? Then shut the hell up please. Gamesradar is the cream of the crop as far as I know, and even if you don't like EVERYTHING they write, I don't see how you can come down on a simple yet fun article like this. and i hate doing recaptcha, but "Work appear"... must be affected by the economy. Or job island.
  • magicwalnuts0 - May 6, 2009 5:56 a.m.

    Joust FTW
  • ssj4raditz - May 6, 2009 3:11 a.m.

    Job Island sounds amazingly epic.
  • gmilf71 - May 6, 2009 12:46 a.m.

    lol yoda with a joint. why was darth vader and yoda in that one? made no sense, but no one questioned it because vader and yoda are just so baddass. until now.
  • nik41507 - May 5, 2009 11:23 p.m.

    Funny as hell. If hell is funny of course. :) :( :0 " " :] :[ :I (--) reCAPTCHA: program tangy
  • maedene - May 5, 2009 10:56 p.m.

    i want to see a game/movie with the main antagonist being a serial killer made out of jam... hell i'll even PLAY a serial killer made out of jam, that would be SWEET
  • GoldenMe - May 5, 2009 10:54 p.m.

    Meh, not really a good article. "Joust is currently being made into a live-action movie. Set in the future. Right this second. Oh dear." This made it worse.
  • SunshineHobo - May 5, 2009 10:33 p.m.

    Toad: Dr.Mario the mushroom kingdom needs you! Dr.Mario: Not now! I'm doing brain surgery! Toad: But that's his knee!? Dr.Mario: Do you have a PHD? NO! So shut it! Toad: Do you? Dr.Mario: WHAT?! -Great article guys-
  • SuperGoomba64 - May 5, 2009 9:52 p.m.

    I wished there was a REAL Shopping-Radar, I would spend all my money on Gamesradar products.
  • skyguy343 - May 5, 2009 9:09 p.m.

    i dont get the mario sketch. splain?
  • Kerfluffle - May 5, 2009 7:34 p.m.

    Hmmm.... probably should have had Oblivion: YOU: "So, Patrick Stewart, why am I in the Imperial City jail again?" Patrick: "Well I am not sure of this even though I'm the FUCKING KING OF AN ENTIRE CONTINENT. Perhaps the Gods have placed you here so that we should meet.....blahblahFate blahblahbullshitblah. Even if the Gods DID stick you in a fucking prison to somehow reward you for being Cyrodiil's savior, it doesn't explain why, if they are all-knowing, that they can't see you doing all the crazily evil shit you can do in that game.
  • peaceful765 - May 5, 2009 5:15 p.m.

    That sketch from jam was Dark, dark, dark and dark but I strangely enjoyed it. The sketch later on with the troubled woman made me laugh. REcaptcha: handier linda
  • fluorine - May 5, 2009 4:33 p.m.

    I'm with you about the entire "Yoda in Soul Calibur Universe" thing...And the fact that you don't get to play Vader on Xbox 360 (unless you pay extra), and the fact that even if you get to play Vader, he's really not that fun to play with...(too slow)...and the fact that when I use Yoda facing starkiller (the hot guy from the Force Unleashed), Yoda got kicked a$$ hard; when I unlock Starkiller and used him against Yoda, Starkiller got kicked a$$ hard...(why is that?!) ... One thing, though, Starkiller looks a lot hotter in SC IV than in his own game Force Unleashed...
  • mari-takayama - June 9, 2014 2:11 p.m.

    Probably because the COM auto player is a cheat. I've had that experience before with the Apprentice from Force Unleashed...and broke the left control stick of my Xbox controller.
  • Xplosive59 - May 5, 2009 3:25 p.m.

    full auto 2 - skynet wasnt skynet in the terminator? great article GR

Showing 1-20 of 35 comments

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