The most stupidly stupid game scenarios ever

A frog has to use logs to get across a stream, because he can’t swim.

You’re a bus driver. You drive buses. And that huge lump of speeding metallic death that you’re in control of? You’re not allowed to speed with it, or inflict death. Because you’re a real bus driver, not one of those silly videogame ones. ROCK AND ROLL!

In a series of events in no way related to a pound and a half of cocaine, Tim has lost Binford’s new tools but minutes before the start of a show. Whatever to do?! Well being a REAL MAN (ugh ugh ugh, etc.), Tim sets forth around the lotsurrounding the ToolTime set to find them.

Not too dangerous a task for a REAL MAN (ugh ugh ugh, etc.), you might ponder. Not so. Because for added authenticity, the TV station has a policy of using real, actual dinosaurs in its prehistoric dramas. Similarly, Egyptian mummies are played by the real, actual, murderous undead. The Emmies will just flow this year.

Okay, so the whole “Vader finds a magic door to the SC universe, goes after the swords, Yoda goes through to stop him” thing was in itself madder than a serial killer made out of jam, but what made the contrivance even more galling was that for no reason whatsoever (*cough*cynical format-exclusive-character business model*cough*), Yoda seemed to forget all aboutBad Skywalkeronce he arrived, and never actually fought him at all! (*cough*unless you paid for the DLC*cough*)

There are knights. And they are jousting. On ostriches. In the sky. This would already be crazier than Ed Gein enjoying an episode of Ghost Whisperer, but consider the following also: Joust is currently being made into alive-action movie. Set in the future. Right this second. Oh dear.

Epic game plots made simple
Gaming's most dizzying plots for dummies

When cursing and confusion are your only reward

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We know it's not real. You don't have to make excuses

David Houghton
Long-time GR+ writer Dave has been gaming with immense dedication ever since he failed dismally at some '80s arcade racer on a childhood day at the seaside (due to being too small to reach the controls without help). These days he's an enigmatic blend of beard-stroking narrative discussion and hard-hitting Psycho Crushers.