The most horrifically crap toys based on games

We like games. We like them a lot. So it's only understandable that we would want to take the things we like best about games out of those games and into the real world, so that we can like them there as well. And this, friends, is why God invented toys.

Thankfully, games are now a big enough deal that the toys licensed from them are usually of a pretty high quality. There have though, been some absolute stinking abominations over the years. And it's these wretched, malformed plastic beings that we're going to pay tribute to here. They should never have existed. But they did. And now you have to deal with it.

GI Joe Street Fighter II

Yes, the first Street Fighter toy run was part of the GI Joe range. And it showed. Mainly in the fact that they looked like standard GI Joes at Mardi Gras.

Oh how excitedly we ran to the toy store shelves as '90s children, upon realising that Street Fighter II action figures existed. Oh how we sullenly slunk back from those shelves, empty-handed and a little more mistrustful by the world, upon actually seeing the things.

GI Joe Mortal Kombat

Yes, they got hold of MK too, and gave it the same pug-faced mistreatment. Sonya Blade or muscular transvestite? You decide. We're too transfixed by Goro's look of utter disappointment at his own lower body.

Doom: The Movie action figures

Scarier than the film. Fact. The Rock's tiny bean-head alone is a greater afront against God than any Cyberdemon ever was.

Let's take a closer look at the others.

Actually let's not. That Imp looks like someone skinned a Ninja Turtle alive.

Malformed Sonic plushies

For some reason, Sega's main mascot has a long, dark history of hideously mis-shaped toy-based representation. Maybe the licensees tried to make the toys at the speed of sound. Or maybe they were just crap. Either way, stacks of Sonic toys now fit into the category of "so hideous we atually feel sorry for an inanimate object". There are loads in the nightmare collection at Sonic Gear, so check it out. Just don't blame us when your mind snaps.

Mortal Kombat: Deception figures

Okay, so Mortal Kombat toys have become more detailed since the days of the GI Joe license, but that detail looks to have been lavished entirely upon the accurate rendering of stupid.

Over-formed Taki

Oh God. Oh God why? We know Soul Calibur's Taki is famed for her over-emphasised bullet-nipples, but why did they have to sculpt everything else as well? It looks like a 1/6 scale Real Doll with ink-dipped Barbie doll hair. But if you want to see more of her, check out the full gallery at the rather excellent and thoroughly comprehensive Captain Toy review site. That's where we found the above Baraka and Sub-Zero figures too.


  • mannythehedgehog - May 12, 2010 12:11 a.m.

    On the bright side Chun-LI didn't have man hands
  • shinigamiDude - May 7, 2010 5:36 a.m.

    Great! I'd always wanted a 50 years old looking Chun Li bondage costume figure.
  • lovinmyps3 - May 6, 2010 2:38 a.m.

    Holy shit they actually gave Taki a camel-toe!!
  • genequagmire - May 5, 2010 1:58 a.m.

    @vitoruss1 "I remember how I bought the Psycho Mantis action figure when I was around 7 or 8 years old. " You kids get off my damned lawn! Whippersnappers!
  • Triscuitable - May 5, 2010 1:31 a.m.

    That Taki figure has Camel Toe. Big time. Was that manufactured for kids?
  • Vitoruss1 - May 4, 2010 10:53 p.m.

    I OWN THOSE MK: DECEPTION TOYS AS WELL AS THE SONYA! :D I love those MK toys, that picture with Baraka and Sub Zero looks like it was taken specifically with them looking bad as an objective. I remember how I bought the Psycho Mantis action figure when I was around 7 or 8 years old. Gave me so many nightmares.
  • wastedspace - May 4, 2010 9:39 p.m.

    @imgema Nyahhgh actually the correct term is "action figure", or at the least "colectable".
  • Psylockerules - May 4, 2010 9:21 p.m.

    JESUS Taki! Camel toe much?
  • philipshaw - May 4, 2010 2:14 p.m.

    These looks rubs, at least the GOW and Halo ones I have are of good quality
  • The_Deebo - May 4, 2010 9:38 a.m.

    Taki would make Joe Camel jealous
  • mgkyo666 - May 4, 2010 6:57 a.m.

    That's no cam.toe..... That's a friggin moose knuckle!
  • johngrybos - May 4, 2010 12:50 a.m.

    Wow @ Taki. Thanks, for the nighmare fuel, GR.
  • Lurkero - May 3, 2010 10:57 p.m.

    I dont think the Taki figure is a mistake. They knew exactly what they were going for.
  • Cyberninja - May 3, 2010 10:50 p.m.

    that stuff was so bad i am crying blood
  • mdfk79 - May 3, 2010 8:49 p.m.

    @allthegoodnameswheretaken indeed, well actually, wasnt funny enough to be a "cracked" article lol not enough dick jokes, wasnt too dongtacular either, and i guess we are a rare breed :oP
  • MrDuracraft - May 3, 2010 7:58 p.m.

    @allthegoodnameswheretaken It was, all the title needs is "based on games" in parentheses. And what sick, twisted person with a doll fetish bought that Taki toy. A camel toe? Really?
  • ViolentLee - May 3, 2010 7:31 p.m.

    I actually dug some of the GI Joe MK and SFII toys. E. Honda was basically the only one not pieced together from existing Joe parts, and he was bad-ass. Sagat and transparent Sub-Zero were pretty cool, too. But one cannot unsee Taki's camel-toe.
  • super0sonic - May 3, 2010 6:54 p.m.

    Scary very scary
  • Clovin64 - May 3, 2010 5:46 p.m.

    That Taki action figuire is absolutly horrifying. I'm tempted to burn my copy of Soul Calibur IV in an attempt to repress the image forever. (just kidding, I'm not going to burn it. The games to damn good. But the action figure? Brutal.)
  • darkvare - May 3, 2010 5:34 p.m.

    i have a pretty well sculpted knuckles toy

Showing 1-20 of 36 comments

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