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We like games. We like them a lot. So it's only understandable that we would want to take the things we like best about games out of those games and into the real world, so that we can like them there as well. And this, friends, is why God invented toys.
Thankfully, games are now a big enough deal that the toys licensed from them are usually of a pretty high quality. There have though, been some absolute stinking abominations over the years. And it's these wretched, malformed plastic beings that we're going to pay tribute to here. They should never have existed. But they did. And now you have to deal with it.
Yes, the first Street Fighter toy run was part of the GI Joe range. And it showed. Mainly in the fact that they looked like standard GI Joes at Mardi Gras.
Oh how excitedly we ran to the toy store shelves as '90s children, upon realising that Street Fighter II action figures existed. Oh how we sullenly slunk back from those shelves, empty-handed and a little more mistrustful by the world, upon actually seeing the things.
Yes, they got hold of MK too, and gave it the same pug-faced mistreatment. Sonya Blade or muscular transvestite? You decide. We're too transfixed by Goro's look of utter disappointment at his own lower body.
Scarier than the film. Fact. The Rock's tiny bean-head alone is a greater afront against God than any Cyberdemon ever was.
Let's take a closer look at the others.
Actually let's not. That Imp looks like someone skinned a Ninja Turtle alive.
For some reason, Sega's main mascot has a long, dark history of hideously mis-shaped toy-based representation. Maybe the licensees tried to make the toys at the speed of sound. Or maybe they were just crap. Either way, stacks of Sonic toys now fit into the category of "so hideous we atually feel sorry for an inanimate object". There are loads in the nightmare collection at Sonic Gear, so check it out. Just don't blame us when your mind snaps.
Okay, so Mortal Kombat toys have become more detailed since the days of the GI Joe license, but that detail looks to have been lavished entirely upon the accurate rendering of stupid.
Oh God. Oh God why? We know Soul Calibur's Taki is famed for her over-emphasised bullet-nipples, but why did they have to sculpt everything else as well? It looks like a 1/6 scale Real Doll with ink-dipped Barbie doll hair. But if you want to see more of her, check out the full gallery at the rather excellent and thoroughly comprehensive Captain Toy review site. That's where we found the above Baraka and Sub-Zero figures too.
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