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Sintendo: The evil side of kiddy gaming

Troublesome cameras, rotten language and bare breasts: not things you’d normally associate with a Nintendo game. Okay, some of these occur in third-party titles, but the important fact is that each one carries the Original Nintendo Seal of Quality. And that means Nintendo approved them all. Not so bad for a company famous for its censorship back in the early nineties, huh? So the next time somebody pokes fun at Nintendo for being childish, do us a favour and put them right...



01) CAMERA WOES
Super Mario Sunshine

The 3D Mario games are famous for their perfect cameras. Mario Galaxy’s levels are unbelievably complicated, and yet the camera never struggles. So why is the Bagatelle minigame camera in Super Mario Sunshine so game-breakingly awful?

02) THE HORRIFIC BOWSER SKELETON
New Super Mario Bros

Unless Nintendo give Mario an Uzi and a cigarette, his games are always going to be suitable for everyone. At least, that’s what we thought until we tried out New Super Mario Bros. It seems like a smoking tail wasn’t good enough for Bowser this time: when Mario dunks him in the lava, Bowser’s flesh is burned right off the bone. His eyes melt into nothingness, and his futile attempts at clawing his way back to safety are for naught as his brain liquefies and drains out of his eye sockets. Nasty stuff indeed.



03) THE DK (C)RAP
Donkey Kong 64

The DK Rap is offensive. And not because it was the first time that ‘hell’ was used in a Nintendo game, or for the questionable line, “His coconut gun can fire in spurts. If he shoots ya, it’s gonna hurt!” No, the DK Rap is just plain, so-bad-it’ll-make-your-ears-bleed rotten. Don’t listen to it, kids, it’ll scar you for life.



04) NETTIE LOVE
Shadow Man

Shadow Man’s a dark game, but it’s the ever-youthful Nettie that grabs the gong for the most un-Nintendo-y moment in it. Or rather, the method by which she stays looking so young. Her fountain of youth is in Mike LeRoi’s trousers, and let’s just say that she drinks there a lot…



05) PUMPING UP
No More Heroes

The blood’s been cut out of the UK version, but No More Heroes is still a very mature game. Travis’s sword charge-up is one such example and sees him pumping up his weapon like he’s trying to pleasure himself. Don’t believe us? Play it and then admit you’re wrong.

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