Sintendo: The evil side of kiddy gaming

New Super Mario Bros

Unless Nintendo give Mario an Uzi and a cigarette, his games are always going to be suitable for everyone. At least, that’s what we thought until we tried out New Super Mario Bros. It seems like a smoking tail wasn’t good enough for Bowser this time: when Mario dunks him in the lava, Bowser’s flesh is burned right off the bone. His eyes melt into nothingness, and his futile attempts at clawing his way back to safety are for naught as his brain liquefies and drains out of his eye sockets. Nasty stuff indeed.

Donkey Kong 64

The DK Rap is offensive. And not because it was the first time that ‘hell’ was used in a Nintendo game, or for the questionable line, “His coconut gun can fire in spurts. If he shoots ya, it’s gonna hurt!” No, the DK Rap is just plain, so-bad-it’ll-make-your-ears-bleed rotten. Don’t listen to it, kids, it’ll scar you for life.

Shadow Man

Shadow Man’s a dark game, but it’s the ever-youthful Nettie that grabs the gong for the most un-Nintendo-y moment in it. Or rather, the method by which she stays looking so young. Her fountain of youth is in Mike LeRoi’s trousers, and let’s just say that she drinks there a lot…

No More Heroes

The blood’s been cut out of the UK version, but No More Heroes is still a very mature game. Travis’s sword charge-up is one such example and sees him pumping up his weapon like he’s trying to pleasure himself. Don’t believe us? Play it and then admit you’re wrong.