Sex advice from games

Videogames are not suited to subtlety or nuance. As a result, most attempts at portraying sex in videogames come off as awkward, silly or downright pathetic. From these clumsily oversimplified depictions of physical intimacy come some of the best sex advice this side of 8th grade Health class. Your real-world sex life can benefit dramatically by understanding these simple concepts culled from years of gaming experience.

Women like to talk a lot before having sex

Above: Find the branch of the dialog tree that leads to the sex

Keep asking questions and eventually she’ll open up to you, however keep your eyes open for…

The three strikes law

Above: Take a hint!

If she repeats herself three times in a row, the conversation is over. You’ll have to go do something awesome before she has anything more to say to you. After leveling up, and maybe acquiring some new items and clothes, come back and try again.

If a buxom barmaid asks you to please kill all the rats in the basement, definitely do it

Above: You’re not getting back upstairs ‘til all the little buggers are slain

Rats are pretty easy to kill, and she may reward you with more than a rusty dagger. Even if she doesn't have sex with you, the experience will build character. 

Don’t get a crush on a long lost childhood friend

Above: Wait, what did you say your real mom's name was?

They may turn out to be a long lost sibling or else will give you up to the evil team at the worst possible time. Possibly under coercion, but still, betrayal is betrayal. Either way you’ll end up feeling icky about it. Whenever possible, try for sex with someone who you met during or after puberty.

Don’t fall in love with someone you met online

Above: Don't be fooled by gratuitous fan art, AIs DO NOT HAVE a body for you to sex

There is a strong likelihood that anyone you meet online might actually be a sophisticated AI. If that is the case and you fall in love with them, you will be disappointed because you’ll never be able to have sex. Think Cortana is hot? Well think again because you can’t have sex with a hologram so don’t waste your time. Focus your effort on women who have bodies. 

But if you do fall in love online, make sure you’re talking to a real girl

Above: Don't be a Nutsack

“She” usually turns out to be another guy. Not a problem if you want sex with a man pretending to be a woman. Otherwise, see previous rule about not falling in love with someone you met online. Everyone you talk to online is either a guy or an AI or you’re paying to look at her webcam.

Next page: More flawless advice to kick your sex life into high gear