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Sex advice from games

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Videogames are not suited to subtlety or nuance. As a result, most attempts at portraying sex in videogames come off as awkward, silly or downright pathetic. From these clumsily oversimplified depictions of physical intimacy come some of the best sex advice this side of 8th grade Health class. Your real-world sex life can benefit dramatically by understanding these simple concepts culled from years of gaming experience.


Women like to talk a lot before having sex


Above: Find the branch of the dialog tree that leads to the sex

Keep asking questions and eventually she’ll open up to you, however keep your eyes open for…


The three strikes law


Above: Take a hint!

If she repeats herself three times in a row, the conversation is over. You’ll have to go do something awesome before she has anything more to say to you. After leveling up, and maybe acquiring some new items and clothes, come back and try again.


If a buxom barmaid asks you to please kill all the rats in the basement, definitely do it


Above: You’re not getting back upstairs ‘til all the little buggers are slain

Rats are pretty easy to kill, and she may reward you with more than a rusty dagger. Even if she doesn't have sex with you, the experience will build character. 


Don’t get a crush on a long lost childhood friend


Above: Wait, what did you say your real mom's name was?

They may turn out to be a long lost sibling or else will give you up to the evil team at the worst possible time. Possibly under coercion, but still, betrayal is betrayal. Either way you’ll end up feeling icky about it. Whenever possible, try for sex with someone who you met during or after puberty.


Don’t fall in love with someone you met online


Above: Don't be fooled by gratuitous fan art, AIs DO NOT HAVE a body for you to sex

There is a strong likelihood that anyone you meet online might actually be a sophisticated AI. If that is the case and you fall in love with them, you will be disappointed because you’ll never be able to have sex. Think Cortana is hot? Well think again because you can’t have sex with a hologram so don’t waste your time. Focus your effort on women who have bodies. 


But if you do fall in love online, make sure you’re talking to a real girl


Above: Don't be a Nutsack

“She” usually turns out to be another guy. Not a problem if you want sex with a man pretending to be a woman. Otherwise, see previous rule about not falling in love with someone you met online. Everyone you talk to online is either a guy or an AI or you’re paying to look at her webcam.

Next page: More flawless advice to kick your sex life into high gear

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29 comments

  • madfx - August 12, 2010 3:42 a.m.

    OMG, source of the buxom barmaid k thx!
  • KNITEpanda - August 10, 2010 4:49 p.m.

    A rule I highly disagree with is "Dont fall in love with someone you met online" I have to say I went completely against that "advice" if you are to call it that and fell in love with a girl I met playing Rainbow 6 Vegas 2. We've been together for 2 going on 3 years. So you guys cant just throw that out there, regardless of the true fact that most people like to hide behind a female avatar character and play it off just to get goodies...in both terms... Needless to say, I couldnt be happier
  • ReaperOfDarkness - July 8, 2010 6:22 a.m.

    I bet that branching dialogue joke has some truth to it hehe. Figuring out the path unfortunately is the hard part, lol.
  • MassEffect2 - July 7, 2010 3:56 p.m.

    ththe editors note was the funniest thing in this whole topic lol
  • Zeb364 - July 5, 2010 10:22 a.m.

    A great article group with some fitting and funny pics. Great job guys. Can always count on GR for a bit of levity amongst the all too serious bull out there.
  • EAC73 - July 3, 2010 10:14 p.m.

    lol at the last pic
  • asspills - July 3, 2010 2:44 a.m.

    "Above: Pikachu’s vagina just sorta landed on Fox's boner, no one’s sure exactly how it happened" HAHAHA!!! Oh my fucking god!! That is by far the worst thing you guys have ever written!!! I almost pissed myself when i read it!
  • TheWebSwinger - July 2, 2010 9:10 p.m.

    Woo hoo! Recognition on Kotaku. Go GR.
  • xenon - July 2, 2010 6:51 p.m.

    Guys, it seems you got fans: http://kotaku.com/5578457/what-video-games-teach-men-about-sex
  • philipshaw - July 2, 2010 10:34 a.m.

    Great article, some good and not awful advice here
  • c1nd3rcell - July 2, 2010 4:19 a.m.

    Edit- you're, not your're. Sorry for the double post.
  • c1nd3rcell - July 2, 2010 4:16 a.m.

    Interesting article. P.S. @IAmARobotWhoTurnsIntoATruckAndIFindNoLevityInThis What a depressing and completely unnecessary thing to say. I hope your're proud.
  • WickedSid - July 2, 2010 12:38 a.m.

    Flawless Advice! This had helped me get all the Ladies! I urge you all to buy the GamesRadar Videogame Sex Advice DVD on how videogames can help anyone, and I mean ANYONE, get the sexes. Just send $999.99 by paypal to FraudRadar.Fraud.net. I'm totally a real person and not a paid Actor who was paid to give this testimonial, Really, I'm not. P.S. Gamesradar, Where's my paycheck?
  • Tenfey - July 1, 2010 11:56 p.m.

    Man, I hate women that have tangible corporeal bodies.
  • Clovin64 - July 1, 2010 10:16 p.m.

    I'm glad someone else noticed the oddity of digging up clean usable condoms from the dirt in Fable 2. Never don that in real life. I'm off to take a shower now because I suddenly feel dirty.
  • IAmARobotWhoTurnsIntoATruckAndIFindNoLevityInThis - July 1, 2010 10:14 p.m.

    Many people have told me i have "no life" after typing my last message, on this website, i now see that they were all correct. therefore, i am now going to kill my self, so that i may truly have NO LIFE
  • Metroidhunter32 - July 1, 2010 10:09 p.m.

    -.-
  • AnonymouZ - July 1, 2010 9:37 p.m.

    GR staff? does it mean more than one dude collaborated>? if so.... you all deserve a LOLs award. xD
  • MikelRapearse - July 1, 2010 9:32 p.m.

    What is the point of this? Is it to make me think about all the sex i'm not going to have because i'm a gamer? Do you plan on persuading people to think about sex, and realize that sex is not happening because of the fact that they play videogames? Ultimately making them give up videogames for hopes of getting laid? The only change you have made is increased the rate at which i think about suicide.
  • Setre - July 1, 2010 9:18 p.m.

    Simply amazing. I will now use this information to get all the ladies.

Showing 1-20 of 29 comments

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