How to pretend to play video games like a pro

Street Fighter tournaments

Laugh your ass off

No matter what game you’re playing, regardless of genre or subject matter, it’s always, ALWAYS a laugh riot. Learn this, and laugh as often as possible, regardless of whether you're wiping out indigenous tribes or driving over old ladies' skulls, and you'll convince any onlooker you're as hardcore as it gets.

Bash the buttons really hard

If you want to really convince your friends you’re a hardened gamer raised on the likes of Pong and…erm, that one with the aliens, you’ve got to hammer those buttons. Hard. Watch below as Adam Sandler, America’s least comedic comedy actor, displays the technique admirably during the normally docile Shadow of the Colossus. He gets bonus points for calling the game 'Shawdows of Colossus', too. A true thesp if ever we've seen one.

Shout loads of game-related phrases

Doing so will unequivocally convince any people watching that you absolutely know your shit. Using the word ‘frag’ at anytime will almost definitely gain you gamer cred. And who cares if there's no such things as health packs in Halo...

Nothing can ever distract you from a game

Find yourself gaming in the crossfire of two ruthless assassins? Stay clam, pop in those headphones and tune it all out with a nice spot of Doom. After all, bullets are never going to catch your attention when there's low res monsters to be murderised. And you'll look like a total gaming pro to boot.

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Always pretend the controller has motion control

It's the only way you can fool people into thinking you're a real pro. If you don’t thrash around like a harpooned tuna, vainly trying to mimic the onscreen action, you run the risk of looking disinterested. To really impress your peers, why not dive behind the couch to really sell it.

Every game requires intense mental concentration

This:

Is absolutely THIS riveting:

Hold the pad really far away from you

Further. A little more. That’s it. Just a bit further. This is a crucial rule. The ideal pad-holding length should place you in a position where you’re almost falling off your chair or sofa. Only idiots and people who can’t beat Call of Duty 4 on Veteran hold their controller a comfortable distance from their body.

Make like games are better than girls

June 29, 2009

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