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How to pretend to play video games like a pro

We all know how to play games. But is there anything we can learn from the pros? And we’re not talking about those 10 year old kids who can wipe the floor with grown men at Street Fighter tournaments. Nah, we’re alluding to the real cream of the crop. Actors. Below you’ll find all the tips on how to look like a gaming pro straight from those who are paid to pretend to play games. So it doesn’t matter if you’re cack-handed and can’t hold a controller. Vince Vaughn is about to set you straight.

Laugh your ass off

No matter what game you’re playing, regardless of genre or subject matter, it’s always, ALWAYS a laugh riot. Learn this, and laugh as often as possible, regardless of whether you're wiping out indigenous tribes or driving over old ladies' skulls, and you'll convince any onlooker you're as hardcore as it gets.



Bash the buttons really hard

If you want to really convince your friends you’re a hardened gamer raised on the likes of Pong and…erm, that one with the aliens, you’ve got to hammer those buttons. Hard. Watch below as Adam Sandler, America’s least comedic comedy actor, displays the technique admirably during the normally docile Shadow of the Colossus. He gets bonus points for calling the game 'Shawdows of Colossus', too. A true thesp if ever we've seen one.



Shout loads of game-related phrases

Doing so will unequivocally convince any people watching that you absolutely know your shit. Using the word ‘frag’ at anytime will almost definitely gain you gamer cred. And who cares if there's no such things as health packs in Halo...




Nothing can ever distract you from a game

Find yourself gaming in the crossfire of two ruthless assassins? Stay clam, pop in those headphones and tune it all out with a nice spot of Doom. After all, bullets are never going to catch your attention when there's low res monsters to be murderised. And you'll look like a total gaming pro to boot.


via videosift.com


Always pretend the controller has motion control

It's the only way you can fool people into thinking you're a real pro. If you don’t thrash around like a harpooned tuna, vainly trying to mimic the onscreen action, you run the risk of looking disinterested. To really impress your peers, why not dive behind the couch to really sell it.


Every game requires intense mental concentration

This:

Is absolutely THIS riveting:


Hold the pad really far away from you

Further. A little more. That’s it. Just a bit further. This is a crucial rule. The ideal pad-holding length should place you in a position where you’re almost falling off your chair or sofa. Only idiots and people who can’t beat Call of Duty 4 on Veteran hold their controller a comfortable distance from their body.


Make like games are better than girls


Playing video games is scientifically proven to be totally more enticing than going on a date with an attractive woman. Remember this well or people might think you actually prefer pretty girls to pixels.


June 29, 2009




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61 comments

  • country1st - July 8, 2009 11:34 a.m.

    Now it doesn't have to Jennifer Aniston, it could be some other girl. Now me CoD4 or girls I don't know it could be a toss up or spend time with a girl and play. that could work.
  • quicksilver_502 - July 6, 2009 5:51 p.m.

    i have to admit to leaping around spasmodically while playing games. i don't realise till i've been on my feet for ten minutes.
  • deora2dude - July 3, 2009 5:23 p.m.

    you forgot "type like a dislexic person stuck in an MSN chatroom" LOLZOR! HAXXX! FUXX YUO! ect. ect. why do people do this to us?
  • AuthorityFigure - July 3, 2009 9:04 a.m.

    So true. So very, very true.
  • ViolentLee - July 1, 2009 9:38 p.m.

    That clip from Grosse Point Blank has so many kick-ass things in it: John Cusack, Benny "The Jet" Urquidez, a custom DOOM arcade cabinet, Motorhead tunes, uzis, and a microwave bomb.
  • crumbdunky - July 1, 2009 8:54 a.m.

    @ELpork you say this but both me and the missus are gamers and we have succeeded in breeding three more gamers. Now, they may choose to break the chain with a multi racial marriage to (ugh!and over my dead 360!)a sporty type or even some kind of animal. IDK. But we are becoming a sub species of some kind and that's basically what a race is-we pass on our gaming genes and if we start doing so because we're attracted by each others talents with a keyboard and mouse then we'll become as bona fide a race as any! Sadly this may lead to the formation of "gamer supremecists" when Billy Thompson threatens our racial rights and degrades our traditions and culture but that's just life!
  • ELpork - July 1, 2009 8:07 a.m.

    @marioninja1 Gamers are not a race.
  • ELpork - July 1, 2009 8:06 a.m.

    "HEALTH PACK!!!" "... Dude were playing peggle" "HEALTH PACK!!! I NEED A HEALTH PACK!!!"
  • lovinmyps3 - July 1, 2009 6:55 a.m.

    Haha, Epithanatios is having a little trouble understanding. Please learn to understand the words you are reading before you post stupid comments. OK?
  • DukeEbony - July 1, 2009 5:16 a.m.

    @ Epithanatios Someones sarcasm meter seems to be broken.
  • Silvermech - July 1, 2009 3:29 a.m.

    HUZZA! I can now fool everyone that I am actually a gaming pro.
  • Corsair89 - July 1, 2009 3:05 a.m.

    All pressing buttons really hard and flailing around does is make your gaming performance worse, and makes you look like an idiot. reCaptcha: harlot at 8:30 WTF?
  • PinkLenny - July 1, 2009 2:04 a.m.

    well i guess we can confirm that Bhouse563 has no girlfriend. also this crap is embarrassing. All of these problems could be fixed with 15 minutes discussion with 3 real gamers. pay each of them 5 bucks. Are video games just so pointless to these people they cant spent 15 minutes and 15 dollars on a little research?
  • Xeacons - July 1, 2009 1:29 a.m.

    What dorks! LOL! When I watch those clips I can't tell whether I'm insulted because of the stereotype, or busting a gut! Sex or games? Depends on your partner. I've had encounters where I would have rather played an hour of Cooking Mama. On the other hand, I'm now married to a woman who, if I took her to E3, we'd spend the entire time in the hotel, finding new uses for the Wiimote! "E3? Maybe next year; turn on the rumble!"
  • thomashalpenny - June 30, 2009 7:56 p.m.

    "Every game requires intense mental concentration" - that guys mullet is crazy ReCAPTCHA:michael died ..... WTF!!!
  • oryandymackie - June 30, 2009 5:24 p.m.

    Is Week of Hate back then? BRING BACK WEEK OF HATE!!!!
  • Over1imit - June 30, 2009 4:36 p.m.

    Fantastic article :D I think you should make a page dedicated on Hollywood's pro-est gamers :P @ Hurricane: BBT FTW!
  • skyline19 - June 30, 2009 4:26 p.m.

    lololololololololololololololololololol
  • FETALJUICE - June 30, 2009 3:45 p.m.

    Everyone actor seems to hold a controller so far away from their bodies. Its stupid but hilarious! Great article!
  • Cyberninja - June 30, 2009 3:34 p.m.

    great like Always keep up the good work

Showing 1-20 of 61 comments

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