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How to make a game that’ll sell a million copies

Any old Tom, Dick or Harry with a comprehensive grip of computer programming and loads of money-men friendly ideas can spew forth a game that’ll sell a shit-load of copies. With that in mind, and a science stick gripped in one hand, we’ve come up with fool-proof calculations on how to make the perfect moolah-making game for most of the major genres. Below you’ll find the perfect titles that’ll make any suit sully his 1000 buck boxers. Just don’t go nicking any of our amazing ideas. We’ve already put in for the patents.


The million-selling shooter


Attention Mr. Money Man: there are certain key rules you have to keep in mind if you want to make a shooting game you can retire to the Galapagos off the back of. Firstly, the primary reason people play these games is to murderise things they hate. And, secondly, they want to play in a world that’s had all emotion sucked out of it. After all, everyone knows feelings are just for women and communists and they’re clearly rubbish at games.


The cynical components you'll need


1. Biceps

The bigger the better. If the star doesn’t have forearms twice the size of his head then his game’s clearly shit and not worthy of a gamer’s precious time, which could be better spent venting all that aggression by smashing third party peripherals.

2. Give the hero claws for hands

Because fingers are lame. Oh, and robotic legs. Because human shins are even lamer.

3. Set half the levels in the hood and half in some hellish, Mars-style, ravished planet

This way your game will not only include that all important grit and street cred, but it’ll also lead nicely into the following…

4. Loads of aliens to shoot. Failing that, foreigners

Better yet, aliens who look French. That’s just a win/win situation in hatred-flaming marketing terms

5. Give your hero the biggest gun ever

Because less isn’t more. And anyone who tells you otherwise knows nothing about peddling interactive entertainment products to the gullible masses. They probably shoot small defenceless animals in their spare time, too.


The totally trendy title


Make sure to include blood in the game’s name. Only wimps don’t like a bit of the old claret of life. Inclusion of the letter X also adds mystery and is guaranteed to make your product sell 114% more copies.


The awesome end result




Next up...


The ultimate money-making racer.

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43 comments

  • MrGreen - September 14, 2009 11:04 p.m.

    wow if only they were real than i would drop out school
  • noobastar - September 14, 2009 10:30 p.m.

    I have to disagree with some of the factors in here ;)
  • kubes - September 11, 2009 11:16 a.m.

    On the ultimate boob laser stick fighter cover is that the kangaroo from the mighty boosh S1E1
  • Dondada - September 11, 2009 3:53 a.m.

    LMAO at the Wolverine claws and dumbass gun.
  • V13Dragongal - September 11, 2009 3:03 a.m.

    Relly? ReCaptcha-inserts $75-million Relly?
  • TheWebSwinger - September 11, 2009 2:56 a.m.

    FTA: "we’ve come up with full-proof calculations" It's *fool*proof. Sorry, I think I have OCD about nitpicking.
  • Doctalen - September 10, 2009 2:26 a.m.

    Love the pickachu thing. Also like the title "A wealth of weaker life forms to enslave" followed by a picture of pokemon
  • Ninja-KiLLR - September 10, 2009 1 a.m.

    this is the funniet thing i have ever read. for some reason oncec i started reading i couldnt stop laughing.
  • oryandymackie - September 9, 2009 7:48 p.m.

    BioShock sold over a million copies.......was that a cynical, over-cliched game?
  • mrandydixon - September 9, 2009 7:04 p.m.

    What game is that "biggest gun ever" screen from? Looks like a cross between HL2 and CoD: WaW.
  • Pocotron - September 9, 2009 6:42 p.m.

    Except for the last few..
  • matt588 - September 9, 2009 5:20 p.m.

    @ Dexsus ah, well never played timeshift so i'll take your word for it, good maniacal laugh.
  • Dexsus - September 9, 2009 4:57 p.m.

    @ matt588 Its a very nicely done photoshop of Darth Vaders head and the Timeshift visor me thinks. Anyways, nice article as usual, now its time to copy your ideas with minor alterations! Mwahahahahahaha!
  • BadLadJon - September 9, 2009 4:35 p.m.

    another reason for a good shooter, CO-OP!!! imagine Far Cry 2 if you could have a co-op feature, saves you from slowing down, changing to gun, shooting the enemy then drive on again. for the RPG good/evil option i would totally pick "BLOW ITS FURRY FUCKIN FACE OFF"
  • brickman409 - September 19, 2009 3:28 a.m.

    a game wont sell more then 30 copies if it doesnt include bacon with it because everyone loves bacon (except vegetarians)
  • uz_mike222 - September 12, 2009 7:20 p.m.

    Once you start laughing, you can't stop! It's hilarious and the box art was funny as hell! for those who bought Timeshift, you got scrwed over more than a $2 whore! reCAPTCHA: Stop Spam. Read Books.
  • venomman01 - September 12, 2009 6:25 p.m.

    This is probly my favorite article. They're all so hilarious.
  • AuthorityFigure - September 12, 2009 2:56 p.m.

    Noticed how none of the gag box art was Wii format? Makes you think...
  • vigeoman - September 11, 2009 9:42 p.m.

    best artivle ever
  • bloodgusher - September 10, 2009 10:42 p.m.

    FAIL

Showing 1-20 of 43 comments

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