Being a team player in co-op blows. Reviving fallen partners, sharing your ammo with them, watching their back like a creepy online stalker. Balls to that, we say. That's why we're unofficially starting a official campaign to teach and celebrate the ways of acting like a douche in co-op. Follow these steps wise readers, and soon you too can be ruining everyone's fun and being that guy. Dicks of co-op: we salute your despicable, titanic testes.
Do a Leeroy Jenkins
May almighty Jebus look down upon and protect Mr. and Mrs. Leeroy Jenkins senior, for they are responsible for spawning the greatest gamer in the history of humanity. Screw complex tactical strategies and careful plotting while playing co-op. If you want to cement your status as the biggest bellend this side of the 'dude-who-gets-all-his-WoW-chums-murdered-for-some-fried-chicken', then going loud without informing your team-mates is the only way to go.
Don't revive fallen comrades
Pah, who gives an albino orangutan's tit about them? They shouldn't have been inconsiderate enough to get shot in the first place. Every champion of co-op dickery knows it's always every man for himself. Always. Of course, get riddled with bullets yourself and it's your co-op buddy's sworn duty to revive you within fourteen seconds.
Have multiple spins on Nazi Zombies’ 'lucky' box
A bit specific, this one. But all those aspiring to be online a-holes need heed this lesson. When playing Call of Duty: World at War's Nazi Zombies mode it is imperative you forsake your duties (that usually consist of diligently repairing boarded-up windows so your mates don't get murdered by the undead) for several spins on the magic weapons box. And when we say 'several', we mean as many as it takes to get the ray gun.
Blame your partner when you f*ck up a QTE
Dude, you don't have to explain yourself to us. We definitely believe you when you say it was your partner who failed 17 straight QTEs in a row. Regardless of who may or may not have forgotten to hit B when that giant boulder crushed the pair of you over and over again, it's your calling as an up-and-coming co-op jerk to always pass the blame on to your team-mate. Ruined friendships are a small price to pay to uphold the good name of your awesome QTE mastery.
Steal items you don’t need just to screw your buddy over
We refer you to case study 236 of the Gamer's Guide to Being a Dick in Co-op: The Streets of Rage chicken scenario. No matter how much health/ammo/guns you might have and disregarding how near death/shit out of bullets/defenceless your co-op pal is, it's vital you always steal every available power up. This usually means keeping a strict adherence to the 'ignore-every-onscreen-f*cker-who's-trying-to-kill-you-and-just-go-for-the-health-pack' philosophy. Successful completion of this will result in many hearty, dick-endorsed lulZ.
Have any other examples of how to be be a cock while playing co-op? Been royally screwed by any of the above? Let us know in the comments.
May 20, 2010