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Girls, games and the crap they play

We at GamesRadar love girl gamers. But we hate girl games. Girl games are the kind of thing that appeals to the primordial, reptilian part of the girlbrain that loves cats and sweaters. But more importantly: these games are awful. They play like crap and they’re terrible role models.

Girl games advocate some of the worst life lessons for girls you’ll ever find outside of a truck stop men’s room, with subjects ranging from raising toddlers to applying makeup with a stylus. Sure, Grand Theft Auto might take all the heat for penetrating the moral cocoons of America's youth but it’s the unassuming girl game that is continuously retching out the most bogus and one-dimensional ideals ever copied and pasted out of June Cleaver’s deranged, “wear pearls when you vacuum” mind.

Just look at this garbage...


My Make-Up

My Make-Up imagines a world where people actually play games about applying makeup together for fun. It imagines a world where 90% of all makeup games haven't become growths at the bottom of a grocery store bargain bin. It imagines a world where these games are sold beyond the weird, empty imports aisle where they store broken jugs of El Pasco sauce and loose peanuts. It imagines a world where it’s possible to use a stylus to draw makeup on a girls face without it looking like you used a pen for lipstick.

On the bright side, My Make-Up DS can be the perfect gift during any and all economic downturns, by offering an alternative to buying actual physical makeup. Create a sultry smoky-eyed look on one of the cartoon avatars and convince your loved ones your DS is a mirror. Other ideas include using ketchup instead of blush.


America’s Next Top Model

When there’s no more room in hell, reality TV-based DS games will walk the earth.

America’s Next Top model is one of the many games trying to cash in on anything ever aired on basic cable. With other TV-to-DS crossovers like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Deal or No Deal managing to successfully expand their reality TV regime to other media, it seemed like it would only be a matter of time before Tyra Banks saw it as her manifest destiny to crawl back out of the Earth’s mantle and take over the casual gaming sector of the world. But oddly enough, she didn’t really. In fact the only thing ANTM the game has in common with the show is that they both deal with trying to teach hopelessly ditzoid women to walk in a straight line without falling over.


Pony Luv

Though it doesn’t harm the self-image of its young players, Pony Luv seems to have brutalized its in-game stars. Pony Luv's ponies look like the rejects of the glue factory. These aren’t award-winning show ponies, these are the kind of ponies you see in documentaries about the Soviet Union, next to an abandoned cattle ranch, crying.

Pony Luv pony has the eyes of someone that has seen too much. His insides are all messed up from ingesting those pieces of exploded Panzer tanks and trying to keep the Germans at bay. Poor Pony Luv Pony has even been animated to cock his leg when he pees. You don’t stand a chance at the Horse Show when your designer has confused ponies with dogs.


Duel Love

Japan is a land with a rich tradition of simulation bathing games, and Duel Love takes this tradition and injects it with nubile 15 year old boys from an underground boxing club. In Japanese terms, this is an Otome game: a type of Romance genre that takes the dating sim and repackages it to a female audience.

Of course, ‘repackage’ is always a nebulous term, but in this case we mean to say mini-games include cheering at boxers and peeking at them while they shower. This is a game that upholds the values of love and monogamy, as you sift through a gaggle of lightweight boxers and offer to bathe the one that captures your heart. Fun fact: in Japan, the word “love” can also be translated as “workplace sexual harassment suit”?

30 comments

  • wiigamer024 - August 6, 2010 2:30 p.m.

    Screw steriotypes! There IS such a thing a "Female Gamers". I mean, Im a girl, but im such a tom-boy. My sister is the EXACT same way. When i was little, she always used to play Resident Evil and I would watch. She's got me to become a gamer, NOW look at me! I'm sitting in my basement playing MadWorld and The Conduit for God's sake!
  • philipshaw - August 6, 2010 11:55 a.m.

    This all looks so bad, I feel that I need to play a hardcore RPG after seeing these games
  • protospasm - August 6, 2010 3:59 a.m.

    I dunno guys... as a guy, I'm kind of intrigued by the "Duel Love" title. Or, as I'd like to refer to a future playthough of it... "Depravity Simulator, DS" I've always wondered what it'd be like to be Michael Jackson while still being Michael Vick. This, my friends, is the answer. Now go fight them boys, then let me dob the sweat off youz. Mmmmm... Mama like.
  • Imgema - August 5, 2010 9:11 p.m.

    the next videogames crash can't come soon enough
  • Celest - August 5, 2010 8:19 p.m.

    it's okay when little girls play it... it's when teenagers pick up one and go "oh em gee! my make up!!! i have to have it!". if the makers of these games want to get girls attention without corrupting the good gaming name, they should focus on cute and cuddly... being a girl, albeit being into more guy-ish things, i still can't resist cute and cuddly. i pass a pet shop on the street and yes, i do the whole "aww! so cute!". animal crossing, nintendogs, harvest moon, etc. should be the ones exploiting the young girl gamer stereotype, not babyz, my make up, ponyz, and such. games like that just make me wanna face palm, find a girl that enjoys them, and set her straight... but hey, maybe that's just me =P
  • peon36 - August 5, 2010 7:15 p.m.

    my 7 year old daughter is playing Halo 3 as I type this. Suck it Nintendo
  • nuno004 - August 5, 2010 6:33 p.m.

    @ zombieammy i understand all these games directed to little girls. But WTF's up with the lauren luke game! i don't think even adults would buy that for their kids reCAPTCHA: 163ff). Grenfen WTF!?
  • catherinehallows - August 5, 2010 3:23 p.m.

    Well. Aren't Those Terrible Games. How Did They Even Get Made?!?! I Will Stick With My Mass Effect Games Thank You Very Much!!!
  • Silentboy - August 5, 2010 3:04 p.m.

    I would that games aimed towards a younger audience is the real downfall. Videogames are currently replacing the toy industry, so every game or console that comes out(the Wii)parents see this as the next big toy and have to buy it. Anyone remember Cabbage Patch Kids fever? BTW I'm not saying I hate the Wii I just think most of the sales came from parents thinking "Oh what a lovely new toy! It also keeps them active so this is healthy" This is why the Wii is dominated by little kid 3rd party crap.
  • Lilikka - August 5, 2010 11:39 a.m.

    My daughter begged me to get her My Little Baby Girl. I wasn't going to give in, since I know how terrible these games can be. However, I was circumvented by my mother, who spent about $35 (!) on the game for her, despite my protests. The kiddo played it ONCE, couldn't figure out how to change the baby's diaper, and has never played it since. I get a little giddy inside every time my mom gets mad about it.
  • oryandymackie - August 5, 2010 8:53 a.m.

    I own all these. I'm a guy. If you have a problem, we can play Princess in Love deathmatch, y'hear?
  • Hobogonigal - August 5, 2010 7:56 a.m.

    Aaaaaaahhh! My little baby and Babyz Fashion. I would like to know how many people actually go out of their way and buy these games from the store. These days you can tell if a game is rubbish by whether it has a 'z' at the end. Horsez, Babyz, ponyz, dogz!
  • 510BrotherPanda - August 5, 2010 7:26 a.m.

    As a guy with long hair who is currently crocheting a scarf, I agree wholeheartedly with what people are saying against this influx of gender stereotyping garbage. How can young women of this day and age grow to be strong and confident when media so engenders them to be like the characters in these "games"? Humanity will die off if, hypothetically, all girls followed these things as actual life lessons. We'd see face-painted ghouls, terrible taste in clothing and dead babies everywhere.
  • phoenix_wings - August 5, 2010 7:11 a.m.

    lol @ zombieammy. Gateway games. Like weed, 'cept for gaming. I think the title of this article needs to be 'Little Girls, Games, and the Crap they Play--Enforcing Gender Roles through Video Games." ;) Emily, you can't possibly believe that someone over the age of 10 would play these games, can you? And then you have to consider who purchases these games for their little darlings. Happy to say that growing up I never played any kind of games like this--the tom-boy thing probably has a lot to do with that :\ But the men all dig it at the local Gamestop :D
  • ZombieAmmy - August 5, 2010 6:31 a.m.

    Well, these games are made for a very young demographic and since most games made for kids nowadays are totally crap, it is really not that surprising that there are lots a shitty games specifically aimed at little girls. I actually do not find these games that offensive. Sure, they have stupid messages about looking pretty and all thay jazz, but kids do grow up and learn better. It's not like any of these games are trying to brainwash young girls into to thinking that being pretty is the most important quality and all the players believe them. Kids are smarter then adults give them credit for. I am a female and when I was a little kid I played stupid games like these and I enjoyed them and I turned out okay. Sure, it was because I was too young to know just how shitty these games were but everyone has games from their childhood that they thought were great but were actually steaming piles of shit. And when I was that age I did want to play Barbie dress up and pet games, because those are the things lots of little girls like. Games like this are actually useful because they can serve as "gateway games" into better quality titles. These girly games were pretty much the only games my mother would buy me when I was young. Heck, the whole reason I got a gameboy colour was to play crappy Barbie games. Then one day I borrowed my brothers copy of Pokemon and loved it. As I grew up I and slowly but surely I moved to more and more mainstream games, leaving the girly games of my past behind, like any other gamer moving on from the crappy games of their childhood. So all you adult gamer girls who grew up on Mario and text adventures, stop judging these stupid games so hard. As bad as these games may be, they do have their place in the gaming world, it is just a shame that do not make good quality ones.
  • IAmARobotWhoTurnsIntoATruckAndIFindNoLevityInThis - August 5, 2010 6:31 a.m.

    Girl gamers? pfft, what? silly you, they don't EXIST...
  • theemporer - August 5, 2010 5:27 a.m.

    This is why I don't like girls.
  • tirkaro - August 5, 2010 4:25 a.m.

    Hey now, Princess Maker 2 is awesome, quit hatin.
  • Cyberninja - August 5, 2010 3:39 a.m.

    @CH3BUIASHKA to late i am already helping my friend who has a ds get better games and everyone pray to you religon that 3ds wont have crap like this
  • HawtKakez - August 5, 2010 3:33 a.m.

    This article brings many questions to my mind. First off, these games appear to be focused on a younger demographic of female children. It's quite possible though that these games could be enjoyed by elderly females but the possibility seems less than likely. The big question I have is where is the young male counterpart to such games as these? I think the reason why I can't think of one is because I am a male and the majority of games focus on a male mindset. It also makes me wonder how, and if at all, females can make a strong stake in the gaming industry to have their own genres of taste. For example, in the film industry, many romantic comedies are catering to female demographic. The male demographic often persues action films instead. Of course, there are genres that bring both sexes together but do those really sell well? I'd like to think so but the business mindset says to focus on a group and fulfill their needs for a healthy economic outcome. I don't believe there will ever be a moment when entertainment in all fields will be catered to all. Still, the major question posed is why games focused on female interests turn out so horrible even to female gamer standards. Perhaps the reason is the developers of these games are male dominant and thy have a hard time catering to a new mindset of gamers. Perhaps this is a blooming subgenre that will find a proper place in the industry with more time and finesse. Perhaps there is no problem at all and that early female gamers who are not influenced by the major gaming world finds much pleasure in these games that we cannot wrap our minds around. I guess the main point I'm trying to make is that our male minds is probably the problem in judging this scenario. I'm rambling so I'll just leave it at that.

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