We at GamesRadar love girl gamers. But we hate girl games. Girl games are the kind of thing that appeals to the primordial, reptilian part of the girlbrain that loves cats and sweaters. But more importantly: these games are awful. They play like crap and they’re terrible role models.
Girl games advocate some of the worst life lessons for girls you’ll ever find outside of a truck stop men’s room, with subjects ranging from raising toddlers to applying makeup with a stylus. Sure, Grand Theft Auto might take all the heat for penetrating the moral cocoons of America's youth but it’s the unassuming girl game that is continuously retching out the most bogus and one-dimensional ideals ever copied and pasted out of June Cleaver’s deranged, “wear pearls when you vacuum” mind.
Just look at this garbage...
My Make-Up imagines a world where people actually play games about applying makeup together for fun. It imagines a world where 90% of all makeup games haven't become growths at the bottom of a grocery store bargain bin. It imagines a world where these games are sold beyond the weird, empty imports aisle where they store broken jugs of El Pasco sauce and loose peanuts. It imagines a world where it’s possible to use a stylus to draw makeup on a girls face without it looking like you used a pen for lipstick.
On the bright side, My Make-Up DS can be the perfect gift during any and all economic downturns, by offering an alternative to buying actual physical makeup. Create a sultry smoky-eyed look on one of the cartoon avatars and convince your loved ones your DS is a mirror. Other ideas include using ketchup instead of blush.
When there’s no more room in hell, reality TV-based DS games will walk the earth.
America’s Next Top model is one of the many games trying to cash in on anything ever aired on basic cable. With other TV-to-DS crossovers like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Deal or No Deal managing to successfully expand their reality TV regime to other media, it seemed like it would only be a matter of time before Tyra Banks saw it as her manifest destiny to crawl back out of the Earth’s mantle and take over the casual gaming sector of the world. But oddly enough, she didn’t really. In fact the only thing ANTM the game has in common with the show is that they both deal with trying to teach hopelessly ditzoid women to walk in a straight line without falling over.
Though it doesn’t harm the self-image of its young players, Pony Luv seems to have brutalized its in-game stars. Pony Luv's ponies look like the rejects of the glue factory. These aren’t award-winning show ponies, these are the kind of ponies you see in documentaries about the Soviet Union, next to an abandoned cattle ranch, crying.
Pony Luv pony has the eyes of someone that has seen too much. His insides are all messed up from ingesting those pieces of exploded Panzer tanks and trying to keep the Germans at bay. Poor Pony Luv Pony has even been animated to cock his leg when he pees. You don’t stand a chance at the Horse Show when your designer has confused ponies with dogs.
Japan is a land with a rich tradition of simulation bathing games, and Duel Love takes this tradition and injects it with nubile 15 year old boys from an underground boxing club. In Japanese terms, this is an Otome game: a type of Romance genre that takes the dating sim and repackages it to a female audience.
Of course, ‘repackage’ is always a nebulous term, but in this case we mean to say mini-games include cheering at boxers and peeking at them while they shower. This is a game that upholds the values of love and monogamy, as you sift through a gaggle of lightweight boxers and offer to bathe the one that captures your heart. Fun fact: in Japan, the word “love” can also be translated as “workplace sexual harassment suit”?