Gaming’s most devastating genital attacks

If movies, television and America’s Funniest Home Videos have taught us anything, it’s that nothing in this world is funnier than a man doubling over and clutching at his junk in agony and confusion. It’s preferable if this is immediately after his crotch has been nailed with flying sports equipment, a foot or a dog’s teeth, but we’re not really picky so long as someone lets loose a howl of pain and maybe falls over.

Above: See?

Videogames, just as they do with everything else in pop culture, have seen this basic truth and taken it to extremes. If balls getting hit with a football is funny, videogames reason, then balls being shot off, stomped or otherwise sustaining horrible, bloody injury must be at least a hundred times funnier. The surprising thing is that, they’re kind of right, as evidenced by the following horrors games have visited on digital nutsacks.

Mortal Kombat

The attack: Split punch

You can never go wrong with the classics. Like Johnny Cage’s signature split punch, which has terrorized crotches and turned Kombatants into cowering buffoons since 1992, and subsequently reappeared in every Mortal Kombat except III and Deception.

Above: For best results, try punching a thunder god in the junk 

It’s hardly Cage’s most impressive or most damaging move, but it’s inarguably his best. It’s just a pity he didn’t show up for Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe; the opportunity to dick-punch Superman might have made up for the disappointing lack of gore.

Wince factor:

Out of This World/Another World

The attack: Kick to the nuts

Another classic, the groin kick from Out of This World (aka Another World) wasn’t particularly horrifying or cringe-inducing, partly because it was meted out against a buff alien made of triangles. But for those who played through OoTW, the moment was unforgettable. One moment, you’re running down some stairs in a seemingly danger-free area…

… when all of a sudden you’re punched in the face from offscreen, sent sprawling and picked up by the neck by one of the seven-foot-tall guards who’s been hounding you throughout your daring escape from an alien prison.

There is, of course, only one natural response when you’re being dangled by someone who wants to kill you, and we can’t have any sympathy for an alien so stupid as to not foresee what happens next.

Above: What happens next is he gets turned into a skeleton, which then explodes 

Pictures can’t quite do justice to the triangular flailing and quiet tap as polygonal foot meets polygonal crotch, so if you want to see it in motion, check this out:

Wince factor:

Soul Blade

The attack: Widow Maker

One of the most humiliating stun moves ever tossed into a fighting game, Sophitia’s trademark Widow Maker sees her dropping her pure-holy-warrior act to administer some hardcore crotch-brutality. It’s been one of her signature attacks ever since Soul Edge (aka Soul Blade) hit arcades in 1995.

It also never stops being funny, mainly because of the coy way Sophitia says “I’m sorry” as her opponent crumples into a fetal ball of shock and rage.

Wince factor:

Dead to Rights: Retribution

The attack: Scrotality

Right, let’s set aside the relatively wholesome ball-socking for a second. I’m going for a slow-buildup structure here, but I can sense you’re growing restless, so let’s ramp this up for a second before you get bored and leave. The latest Dead to Rights hates a lot of things – pussy liberal cops, due process of law, non-repetitive game design – but more than anything else, it hates testicles. This is evidenced not only through the actions of its hero, Jack, who does some serious scrotal damage with his bone-snapping kicks…

… and his absurd guns…

… but also through the default attacks of his dog, Shadow. Shadow tends to lunge straight for the nuts whenever tackling a foe from the front, ripping them to bloody shreds before going for the jugular. It’s not quick, it’s not pretty, and it involves an uncomfortable amount of yanking and tugging.

Above: There is, however, an Achievement for it 

We don’t know why Shadow always goes for the nuts. Maybe Jack trained him that way. Maybe he’s lashing out at the world, avenging his own neutered status by visiting it on humans. Or maybe he just likes the taste of balls in his mouth. We may never know for sure, but we do know it’s funny to watch.

Wince factor:

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  • conqueso - November 18, 2010 4:30 p.m.

    Blitz, OMFG!!!!
  • Nolidusk - August 20, 2010 6:44 a.m.

    wtf? a football game beat manhunt? xD
  • Chiefslapaho - August 12, 2010 1:19 p.m.

    You had me at fractured testicle.
  • ShatteringBallsCSIStyle - August 12, 2010 3:51 a.m.

    Nice post =)
  • jimmdogg - August 2, 2010 10:40 p.m.

    Really? You're going to make me sit through the same ad for EVERY video embedded on the page? Pass.
  • Sy87 - August 2, 2010 6:32 p.m.

    Ah I have to be honest i'm a good quick shot, but more often than not I do shoot nuts more. Not on purpose. I had so many final kill cams in MW2 that shows me shooting all my bullets in the nether region. In a game called "golden terror" (a light gun game) my friends got on me for hitting below the waist. So if you play me wear a bullet proof cup.
  • QWERTYCommander - August 2, 2010 5:14 p.m.

    Where's Heavy Rain: The Taxidermist? Madison took a fucking CHAINSAW to a guy's balls! And yes, the Blitz video looked extremely painful. Iwas almost clutching my nuts there.
  • HardlyBirdman - August 2, 2010 2:27 p.m.

    wow.... that last one hurt. I can't believe that wasfrom a friggin sports game! My most memorable attack would be from the N64 wrestling games (wcw vs nwo, no mercy, etc). The single chime when fist meets crotch..... >ding!< will forever be ingrained in my mind as the seminal low blow sound.
  • pin316 - August 2, 2010 10:39 a.m.

    sprry for double post btw, but also meant to mention was a little disappointed that only sophitia's attack from soul blade/calibur was listed - Kilik's Dirty Bo / Trick Bo more than fill the of the most satisfying ring-outs ever when you land it - hit the guy in the nuts wiht a staff, then follow through by using the staff to lift them over your head by his nuts and drop them behind you!
  • pin316 - August 2, 2010 10:35 a.m.

    awesomeness - i really enjoyed stranglehold when i played it through anyway, and finding out nutshots had their own animation in the precision aim mechanic made it just that little bit more enjoyable!
  • TJay25oo - August 2, 2010 4:44 a.m.

    What about Heavy Rain?! The game's DLC: Taxidermist was the greatest devastating gential attack of all time! Go to youtube website and search: heavy rain DLC: the taxidermist pt. 9 by darksydephil. Its the best so far!
  • A13X0929 - August 2, 2010 12:36 a.m.

    shadow`s ball bite FTW
  • elpurplemonkey - August 2, 2010 12:32 a.m.

    Who knew balls could be so entertaining?
  • waitingforCharlietosnap - August 1, 2010 10:29 p.m.

    Holy. Shit.
  • Zeb364 - August 1, 2010 7:31 p.m.

    I'm sorry, Blitz is over the top. It crossed the line between funny and ludicrous. And when I saw the first Dead to Rights screen featuring "Scrotality" I thought it had been photoshopped in until I read the caption.
  • Clovin64 - August 1, 2010 7:22 p.m.

    Oh no one will ever convince me to play any kind of sport. The white gunk that splatted over the screen was realistic, but ball achingly horrifying! Tonight I'm going to sleep with a pillow tucked between my legs. For protection obviously. As for the Leisure Suit Larry one...see what happens when you dont use a condom kids?
  • fartinapot - August 1, 2010 6:07 p.m.

    That last one was a MAJOR hit to the nuts. This was a cool article.
  • admjwt - August 1, 2010 5:34 p.m.

    damn blitz is prty brutal with the nut smashing
  • masterdarkheart - August 1, 2010 4:23 p.m.

    What no Nina Williams from Tekken. for shame one of the best ball shots ever
  • racer100power - August 1, 2010 2:44 p.m.