If movies, television and America’s Funniest Home Videos have taught us anything, it’s that nothing in this world is funnier than a man doubling over and clutching at his junk in agony and confusion. It’s preferable if this is immediately after his crotch has been nailed with flying sports equipment, a foot or a dog’s teeth, but we’re not really picky so long as someone lets loose a howl of pain and maybe falls over.
Videogames, just as they do with everything else in pop culture, have seen this basic truth and taken it to extremes. If balls getting hit with a football is funny, videogames reason, then balls being shot off, stomped or otherwise sustaining horrible, bloody injury must be at least a hundred times funnier. The surprising thing is that, they’re kind of right, as evidenced by the following horrors games have visited on digital nutsacks.
The attack: Split punch
You can never go wrong with the classics. Like Johnny Cage’s signature split punch, which has terrorized crotches and turned Kombatants into cowering buffoons since 1992, and subsequently reappeared in every Mortal Kombat except III and Deception.
Above: For best results, try punching a thunder god in the junk
It’s hardly Cage’s most impressive or most damaging move, but it’s inarguably his best. It’s just a pity he didn’t show up for Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe; the opportunity to dick-punch Superman might have made up for the disappointing lack of gore.
The attack: Kick to the nuts
Another classic, the groin kick from Out of This World (aka Another World) wasn’t particularly horrifying or cringe-inducing, partly because it was meted out against a buff alien made of triangles. But for those who played through OoTW, the moment was unforgettable. One moment, you’re running down some stairs in a seemingly danger-free area…
… when all of a sudden you’re punched in the face from offscreen, sent sprawling and picked up by the neck by one of the seven-foot-tall guards who’s been hounding you throughout your daring escape from an alien prison.
There is, of course, only one natural response when you’re being dangled by someone who wants to kill you, and we can’t have any sympathy for an alien so stupid as to not foresee what happens next.
Above: What happens next is he gets turned into a skeleton, which then explodes
Pictures can’t quite do justice to the triangular flailing and quiet tap as polygonal foot meets polygonal crotch, so if you want to see it in motion, check this out:
The attack: Widow Maker
One of the most humiliating stun moves ever tossed into a fighting game, Sophitia’s trademark Widow Maker sees her dropping her pure-holy-warrior act to administer some hardcore crotch-brutality. It’s been one of her signature attacks ever since Soul Edge (aka Soul Blade) hit arcades in 1995.
It also never stops being funny, mainly because of the coy way Sophitia says “I’m sorry” as her opponent crumples into a fetal ball of shock and rage.
The attack: Scrotality
Right, let’s set aside the relatively wholesome ball-socking for a second. I’m going for a slow-buildup structure here, but I can sense you’re growing restless, so let’s ramp this up for a second before you get bored and leave. The latest Dead to Rights hates a lot of things – pussy liberal cops, due process of law, non-repetitive game design – but more than anything else, it hates testicles. This is evidenced not only through the actions of its hero, Jack, who does some serious scrotal damage with his bone-snapping kicks…
… and his absurd guns…
… but also through the default attacks of his dog, Shadow. Shadow tends to lunge straight for the nuts whenever tackling a foe from the front, ripping them to bloody shreds before going for the jugular. It’s not quick, it’s not pretty, and it involves an uncomfortable amount of yanking and tugging.
Above: There is, however, an Achievement for it
We don’t know why Shadow always goes for the nuts. Maybe Jack trained him that way. Maybe he’s lashing out at the world, avenging his own neutered status by visiting it on humans. Or maybe he just likes the taste of balls in his mouth. We may never know for sure, but we do know it’s funny to watch.