Skip to main content
GamesRadar+ GamesRadar+ GamesRadar+ The Games, Movies, TV & Comics You Love
Sign in
  • View Profile
  • Sign out
flag of UK
UK
flag of US
US
flag of Canada
Canada
flag of Australia
Australia
  • Games
  • TV
  • Movies
  • Hardware
  • Video
  • News
  • Reviews
  • Guides
  • Deals
  • More
    • PS5
    • Xbox Series X
    • Nintendo Switch
    • Nintendo Switch 2
    • PC
    • Platforms
    • Tabletop Gaming
    • Comics
    • Toys & Collectibles
    • SFX
    • Newsarama
    • Retro Gamer
    • Newsletters
    • About us
    • Features
Total Film
Gaming Magazines
Gaming Magazines
Why subscribe?
  • Subscribe from just £3
  • Takes you closer to the games, movies and TV you love
  • Try a single issue or save on a subscription
  • Issues delivered straight to your door or device
From$12
View
Trending
  • Prime Day Deals
  • Superman
  • Donkey Kong Bananza
  • Switch 2 stock
Recommended reading
Death Stranding 2 PS5 screenshot of Sam on a futuristic motorcycle
Action Games Death Stranding 2 players reach "breaking point for hating signs" as devious porters place speed boosts in inconvenient places: "I ran over a quokka because of one of those signs... I was devastated"
Sam Porter Bridges flexes for the camera in Death Stranding 2
Open World Games Death Stranding 2 is actually Australian Truck Simulator in disguise, and it's because Sam Porter Bridges is not a man: he's a truck
Lost Skies screenshot of the player-character looking out over a vista of floating islands above the clouds with the Indie Spotlight logo in the top right corner
Adventure Games Lost Skies is a skyfaring indie survival game that somehow manages to have better web-slinging than most Spider-Man games
The sandworm in Dune: Awakening
Survival Games You aren't supposed to ride Dune: Awakening's sandworms, but the survival MMO's community has figured out a daring way to do it regardless
A screenshot of the upcoming PS5 game, Ghost of Yotei.
Open World Games Tourists visiting Ghost of Yotei's namesake mountain in Japan airlifted out after getting stranded in the cold
MindsEye
Third Person Shooters Sponsored streams for former GTA dev's new game MindsEye aren't going to plan - sponsor apparently cancels one stream and another creator actually laughs while promoting it
Rosalina riding the Stellar Sled kart across the snow in Mario Kart World
Super Mario Mario Kart World player discovers you can defy the laws of gravity in Free Roam with a bug that allows you to float across the map: "I think I broke the game"
  1. Games
  2. Sports

Gaming's best forms of transport (that would likely kill you)

Features
By Ryan Taljonick published 9 April 2013

Please don't try this at home--it will only end poorly for you

When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. Here’s how it works.

Pick your locomotive poison

Pick your locomotive poison

Movement is an easy thing to take for granted. As gamers, we've collectively saved the universe about a billion times--and we'd wager nearly every instance of heroism involved moving a character through a virtual space. Sometimes traversal merely involved walking; others, super abilities. Others still were modes of transportation that would work only within the realm of a video game.

Of course, that's part of the fun of games--they let us do things that we couldn't otherwise experience. And those experiences often leave us wondering: "How would this work in the real world?" What follows are a few methods of locomotion that, while plausible in a virtual reality, aren't really in ours.

Page 1 of 9
Page 1 of 9
Pipes (Mario Bros. series)

Pipes (Mario Bros. series)

All video games typically demand from us a suspension of disbelief--especially ones involving a plumber that can travel through sewage pipes to magical, otherworldly lands. Following the logic of Mario games, folks might expect that a brief trek through liquid fecal matter could lead to hidden treasures and plenty of gold coins. All it would really lead to, though, is an introduction to E. coli, the Ebola virus, permanent pink eye, or a host of other poop-related diseases.

Then there's the bit about fitting into a pipe. Obviously there are pipes large enough to accommodate for a human's exploratory needs, but they're typically closed into circuits through which we cannot pass. And, even if we could, they would almost certainly lead to nothing but stinky tragedy.

Page 2 of 9
Page 2 of 9
Rope arrows (Tomb Raider)

Rope arrows (Tomb Raider)

Tying a rope to an everyday arrow, shooting said arrow into the face of a nearby cliff, then climbing that rope to cross a chasm is one of the silliest ideas ever conceived. Why? Because attempting such a feat would end in failure 100 percent of the time.

For starters, you'd actually need the arrow to pierce a surface--sometimes rock in the case of Lara Croft--deep enough to withhold the weight of a human body. What's to keep the arrow from snapping in half under that kind of pressure, or the rope from sliding off its cylindrical form? Arrows are effective at killing things from a distance, to be sure, but they certainly aren't grappling hooks.

Page 3 of 9
Page 3 of 9
Grappling hook (Just Cause 2)

Grappling hook (Just Cause 2)

While we're on the topic of grappling hooks, let's take a closer look at the one used by Rico Rodriguez in Just Cause 2. He has access to a magically self-replenishing coil of grappling rope housed in his fancy wrist launcher, which he frequently uses to tether objects together or go parasailing while attached to a car. It's less a grappling hook and more of a grappling spike.

Limitless rope supply aside, a real grappling hook just wouldn't work the way Rodriguez's does. Even if it could be launched from some sort of propulsion device, it's highly unlikely the hook would have anything to latch on to when fired at moving vehicles--it would just bounce off a car's chassis. In the small chance it did connect, you might as well say goodbye to your arm. And if you shot it at a human being? The unlucky sap might get a black eye or a crushed nose, but it would pretty difficult to tether the victim to much of anything without resorting to a good ol' fashioned hog tie.

Page 4 of 9
Page 4 of 9
Clouds (Mario Bros. series)

Clouds (Mario Bros. series)

The Mushroom Kingdom is a curious place--a land where otherwise impossible feats are commonplace. We've already covered the impractical application of pipe travel in the real world, but there's another mode of transportation that we can't quite fathom: cloud riding.

Lakitus are famous for their mobile cloud companions, upon which they fly through the air like Aladdin on his wonderful magic carpet. But a carpet is a tangible thing; clouds are merely water droplets and gases hanging out in the atmosphere. You could ride a cloud as much as you could ride a fart--which is to say, you can't, so don't try.

Page 5 of 9
Page 5 of 9
Skyrails (BioShock Infinite)

Skyrails (BioShock Infinite)

We get that sky-hooks have some mega powerful magnets in them, which would theoretically let you hop off a floating fortress city and grab on to the nearest rail like it's no big deal. But if a sky-hook's magnets are strong enough to pull you to a rail, you'd still have to launch yourself within a certain range for that to happen. That's a tall order for a species that can't even safely board a stopped train without falling into the tracks every now and then.

Another thing: If the magnets are that powerful, how the hell does the sky-hook even move on the rail? Assuming there was some way for it to do so without a reverse in polarity (which, consequently, would be powerful enough to launch you to your death), you'd still have to be physically strong enough to hold on to the sky-hook while sliding around at blistering speeds; that thing isn't exactly bolted to your arm. Assuming all that goes well, there's still collisions and other accidents to consider, not to mention that sky-hooks would probably tear guns from people's hands and the fillings from children's rotten teeth.

Page 6 of 9
Page 6 of 9
Stars (Kirby series)

Stars (Kirby series)

Those stars might look cute and cuddly, but attempting to even get close to one would mean certain death, even for Kirby. The thing about stars is they're kind of hot. Like, millions-of-degrees hot. Try to set foot on one and you'll melt into nothingness.

But let's say that you could get on a star without instantly incinerating. First of all, those things are typically pretty giant; you wouldn't just gently hug the thing and hop off at your leisure, because gravity. Nor is it possible to command a star to move. We're talking about giant balls of plasma, here--there is no magical control center awaiting your input.

Page 7 of 9
Page 7 of 9
Go-karts (Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing)

Go-karts (Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing)

Yes, Go-karts are perfectly acceptable vehicles for getting around--but not when Sonic the Hedgehog is driving them. Why does he even need to? At most, they go, like, 40-50 miles per hour. He's the fastest thing alive, so he ought to be able to outrun a tiny recreational car.

Sonic riding a car would be like Superman flying in a plane. Sure, he needs to keep up the guise of reporter and everyman Clark Kent, but Sonic doesn't have that excuse. He has no secret identity to protect--he could just get out of his dumb car and run laps around the other suckers. But no, apparently Sonic would rather burn fossil fuels, ruining the environment instead of just jogging for a few minutes.

Page 8 of 9
Page 8 of 9
Transportation station

Transportation station

And if you're looking for more, check out real-world news turned video games and the top 7 most unrewarding games of all time.

Page 9 of 9
Page 9 of 9
CATEGORIES
Android iPad iPhone PC Gaming Wii-u Nintendo PlayStation PS4 Xbox Xbox One Platforms Mobile Gaming
PRODUCTS
Tomb Raider Just Cause 2 Sonic & Sega All-Stars Racing BioShock Infinite Kirby's Return to Dream Land Super Mario 3D Land
Ryan Taljonick
Ryan Taljonick
Social Links Navigation

Ryan was once the Executive Editor of GamesRadar, before moving into the world of games development. He worked as a Brand Manager at EA, and then at Bethesda Softworks, before moving to 2K. He briefly went back to EA and is now the Director of Global Marketing Strategy at 2K. 

See more PC Gaming Features
Read more
Death Stranding 2 PS5 screenshot of Sam on a futuristic motorcycle
Death Stranding 2 players reach "breaking point for hating signs" as devious porters place speed boosts in inconvenient places: "I ran over a quokka because of one of those signs... I was devastated"
Sam Porter Bridges flexes for the camera in Death Stranding 2
Death Stranding 2 is actually Australian Truck Simulator in disguise, and it's because Sam Porter Bridges is not a man: he's a truck
Lost Skies screenshot of the player-character looking out over a vista of floating islands above the clouds with the Indie Spotlight logo in the top right corner
Lost Skies is a skyfaring indie survival game that somehow manages to have better web-slinging than most Spider-Man games
The sandworm in Dune: Awakening
You aren't supposed to ride Dune: Awakening's sandworms, but the survival MMO's community has figured out a daring way to do it regardless
A screenshot of the upcoming PS5 game, Ghost of Yotei.
Tourists visiting Ghost of Yotei's namesake mountain in Japan airlifted out after getting stranded in the cold
MindsEye
Sponsored streams for former GTA dev's new game MindsEye aren't going to plan - sponsor apparently cancels one stream and another creator actually laughs while promoting it
Latest in Sports
WWE 2K25
WWE 2K25 has the biggest game file size on Switch 2, and is releasing as a code in a box despite advertising a game key card in its trailer
Rematch players celebrating in a large stadium
"The essence of football is not in the rules": Rematch's creative director on nailing that five-a-side feeling and making a game "about kicking a ball rather than kicking heads in"
FC 25
FC 25 Path To Glory tracker with all Women’s Euro 2025 cards
Rematch
Rematch players have discovered that flopping around the field is faster than sprinting, but Sloclap is going to stop the flop
Rematch
"Chasing safe bets is a death sentence": Rematch devs had no desire to simply chase FIFA or Rocket League, but they spent years planning out their hit football game
Sloclap's Rematch and FromSoftware's Elden Ring Nightreign
I spent 75 hours unlocking every trophy in Elden Ring Nightreign, only for Rematch to steal its thunder with a single hat trick
Latest in Features
Kaizen: A Factory Story key art featuring a production line making a toy electronic
"Make games and die. That's my plan": Coincidence's Zach Barth on making games about making things, a year of teaching, and being in it for the long haul
Cyberpunk Edgerunners
Cyberpunk Edgerunners season 2: Everything we know about CD Projekt Red's anime
David Corenswet, Rachel Brosnahan, and Skyler Gisondo in Superman
Do I need to watch any movies or TV shows before Superman?
David Corenswet as Superman in James Gunn's Superman
James Gunn's Superman looks like a comics-accurate take on the Man of Steel at last – but will it be enough to revive DC at the box office?
A cropped screenshot from Undertale, showing Frisk and Sans standing in Grillby's in Snowdin.
17 years after it was released, I'm tracing Undertale and Deltarune's origins back to Toby Fox's spooky Earthbound mod
Superman movies ranked: Christopher Reeve as Superman flying through the sky during the 1978 movie Superman.
All the Superman movies ranked from worst to best, ahead of James Gunn's upcoming DC movie
  1. A Gundam style mech in Mecha Break
    1
    Mecha Break review: "This mech battler makes up for lacking customization with a varied roster that lets me live out my Evangelion fantasy"
  2. 2
    Death Stranding 2: On the Beach review: "This tarpunk delivery epic is more Metal Gear Solid than ever, for better and worse"
  3. 3
    Rematch review: "As with Rocket League, the just-one-more-game pull is magnetic"
  4. 4
    Tron: Catalyst review: "Disc slinging is a thrill in this gorgeous rendition of the series, but I'm let down by a time-loop story that falls flat"
  5. 5
    FBC: Firebreak review: "A disappointingly bland multiplayer FPS that's missing far too much of what made Control special"
  1. A T-rex in Jurassic World Rebirth
    1
    Jurassic World Rebirth Review: "An unscary sequel that needed a little more time in amber"
  2. 2
    M3GAN 2.0 review: "A bold sequel with a slightly underwhelming conclusion"
  3. 3
    28 Years Later Review: "Enough terror, splatter and suspense to satisfy”
  4. 4
    Predator: Killer of Killers review: "Great characters, thrilling action, and gorgeous Arcane-esque animation"
  5. 5
    From the World of John Wick: Ballerina review: "Brilliant action, even if the plot gives you a sense of déjà vu"
  1. Lee Jung-jae as Gi-hun in Squid Game season 3
    1
    Squid Game season 3 review: "A staggeringly excellent final season wraps up one of the greatest Netflix shows ever"
  2. 2
    Ironheart review: "A relic of Marvel's content-at-all-costs era"
  3. 3
    Star Trek: Strange New Worlds season 3 review: "The show's most assured run of episodes to date"
  4. 4
    Doctor Who season 2, episode 8 spoiler review: 'The Reality War' is "a mix of the good, the bad, and the truly baffling"
  5. 5
    Doctor Who season 2, episode 7 spoiler review: 'Wish World' is "an exciting and ambitious" start to the season finale, with hints of WandaVision

GamesRadar+ is part of Future US Inc, an international media group and leading digital publisher. Visit our corporate site.

  • About Us
  • Contact Future's experts
  • Terms and conditions
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies policy
  • Advertise with us
  • Review guidelines
  • Write for us
  • Accessibility Statement
  • Careers

© Future US, Inc. Full 7th Floor, 130 West 42nd Street, New York, NY 10036.

Please login or signup to comment

Please wait...