Game launch sites that inexplicably still exist

Hasn't anyone noticed yet? No? Then let's make fun of them

Being the inquisitive folk we are, we spontaneously engaged in a bout of internet archeology, during which we dug up some gems of old, run-down official game sites which no one has paid any attention to in years. We%26rsquo;re sort of like Lara Croft, except that instead of avoiding wild boars and skeletons, we dodge looping music and animated GIFs.


BLOODRAYNE
URL: http://www.bloodrayne.com/loband/index.html

When we Googled %26ldquo;Blood Rayne official site%26rdquo; in the hopes that a silly, completely unsexy promotional site would pop up, it did, only Google wasn%26rsquo;t quite sure how to spell %26ldquo;Blood Rayne.%26rdquo;


Above: This could have happened a few ways, but it%26rsquo;s funniest to assume that the site%26rsquo;s title was misspelled when it was created

Once inside, %26ldquo;BloddRayne%26rdquo; is a typically dull Flash-based site, with an image of our heroine molesting a dead soldier and shooting at semi-transparent doppelgangers of herself. What were meant to be cleverly titled links like %26ldquo;Experience Her%26rdquo; and %26ldquo;Study Her%26rdquo; are instantly creepy, and seem to imply that she is both attractive and physically attainable, which she is not. At least all the links still work.


Above: Someone please explain where her other leg is going, because it appears to be embedded in his crotch


DUKE NUKEM FOREVER
URL: http://www.3drealms.com/duke4/

The saddest thing about this site is that it was relevant up until a few months ago, but it nevertheless looks like it was designed by a time traveler from 1998. The most noticeable thing on the page is a string of red blinking text%26hellip;the blink tag? Really? The inventor of that tag regrets ever having the idea, but 3D Realms has no problem using it prominently. (At least they didn%26rsquo;t add a %26ldquo;marquee%26rdquo; tag in for good measure.)


Above: We are profossonals, we make gams!

And what%26rsquo;s with directing people to the %26ldquo;Web Forums?%26rdquo; Again, Mr. Time Traveler from 1998, we were pretty damn sure you didn%26rsquo;t mean for us to travel to ancient Rome to sit on marble slabs to discuss Duke Nukem. We know what a forum is.

Did no one ever think that a redesign might be in order? They%26rsquo;re even still trying to sell games that originally shipped on floppies and look like this%26hellip;for real money:


Above: %26ldquo;%26hellip;Word Rescue has state-of-the-art dual-screen scrolling graphics similar to what's seen on the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis home gaming systems. Even %26lsquo;grown-ups%26rsquo; will like Word Rescue!%26rdquo; THIS GAME IS FROM 1992


THE MARK OF KRI
URL: http://www.kri-game.com/kr/uk/main.html

Welcome to 2002, the height of the Flash Era. Instead of lots of information and easy navigation, we get lame-ass minigames, popup windows, and rollover graphics. The site%26rsquo;s minigame isn%26rsquo;t that useless, we guess, if you really like clicking a lot. Too bad the leaderboards probably stopped working five years ago, or we%26rsquo;d own everyone at clicking.


Above: The future of marketing is games that aren%26rsquo;t as good as the game you%26rsquo;re selling


KINGDOM HEARTS 2
URL: http://na.square-enix.com/games/kingdomhearts/kh2/

The site still says %26ldquo;Coming March 28, 2006%26rdquo; %26ndash; so apparently after the game was launched, they fired the entire online team and never looked back. There%26rsquo;s even still a link to the %26ldquo;battle system%26rdquo; page with reads %26ldquo;coming soon%26rdquo; when you roll over it. Never got that far, huh?


Above: Raise your hand if you love websites with looping music!


PREY
URL: http://www.prey.com/

Another attack of the ambient music! It%26rsquo;s not surprising the site is sitting around in its 2006 form, as it takes Human Head (and 3D Realms) at least 10 years to develop a game. The fact that this site doesn%26rsquo;t simply say %26ldquo;Coming Whenever%26rdquo; is actually impressive.


Above: I always like to see a big man scowling at me when I browse websites

Supposedly they%26rsquo;re working on Prey 2 %26ndash; it was teased, in no unclear manner, at the end of Prey. Good luck with that%26hellip; 2014 maybe? Or never? It%26rsquo;s too bad, because Prey was actually a decent game, and this is actually one of the best official sites we stumbled upon.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Associate Editor, Digital at PC Gamer
We recommend