Please, Warner Interactive, please. I'll do anything. I'll fill my trousers with razor blades and vinegar and I'll walk across hot coals after a shower of petrol and lighter fluid. Just stop making these goddawful F.E.A.R. 3 live-action trailers. They're not cool and they're not scary. They're just Uwe Boll movies with the 88 minutes of awesome hilarity cut out.
Let's just get this one out of the way so you can look at the new screenshots. Brace yourselves, my friends. We'll get through this one together.
Everyone okay? Well, I know you're not okay. This sort of thing takes a while to get over. There's a healing process to go through. But you'll be fine eventually. One day, all of this will just be like a bad dream, I promise. Here, look at some nice screenshots and take your mind off the bad men and their crappy trailer:
Above: Jeff hated it when his bra strap blew a fuse mid-battle
Above: I like to imagine these mechs make comedy boinging noises as they run
Above: Ticket enforcement was getting harsh
Above: 'You know I'm sure I left the gas o... Oh shit'
Above: When not going 'boing!' mechs like to kill each other. Mechs are weird
Above: The reason ticket enforcement had to get harsh
Above: Someone's going to get hurled a very long way
Above: This is why you don't call God a wanker during a thunderstorm
Above: Shades of Metro 2033, no?
But seriously, jibes at cheesy cosplay aside, is anyone else a bit worried about F.E.A.R. 3? I know it's ridiculously early to pan it, especially when most of what we've seen so far has been from live-action mock-ups rather than the game itself, but that latter point is just what worries me. It's June now and this thing is out in Autumn. Why is the marketing still avoiding the use of sustained video footage?
But more of a bother than that, F.E.A.R. 3 isn't being developed by original F.E.A.R. (and Condemned) dev Monolith. Instead, they're handing on the reins to Day 1 Studios and taking on an 'in association with' role. Day 1 have experience with the series, but only insofar as porting the original game to the 360 and PS3. Eyebrows are raised. Mainly mine.
Above: Oh go on, have another one. This time with men and a helicopter
Also, co-op. I've made my feelings on co-op in horror games very clear before, but I'm going to again, because my feelings matter, goddamnit. I'm a human being, you heartless brutes! Co-op in horror games kills atmosphere and murders pacing. The original F.E.A.R. was very clever in respect of those two elements, and also pioneered some scarily believable enemy AI. With a telekinetic co-op partner wading in, I can't help but worry that all of my favourite things about F.E.A.R. are going to be eroded. Especially given that most of the in-game media so far has focused on big monsters and big mechs rather than the ultra-brainy, ultra-dangerous squads o' death I loved throwing down with in the first first game. My beard. It is being stroked ponderously.
But I could be completely wrong. There's a good chance I will be. And I hope I am. But what do you reckon, based on what you've seen so far? Let me know in the comments, or via our none-more-thrilling social portals on Facebook and Twitter.
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