Oct 29, 2007

Everyone wants to be a hero. We don't play games to come in second or fawn over other people's abilities - no, we play to win. To conquer. To finish first. That's why all of our favorite characters have such fantastic jobs, from secret agent to bounty hunter to professional demon eater. But what about those poor bastards who make the video game world possible?

They get the shit jobs, of course. They're all unremarkable slobs who've failed to stand out in any way whatsoever. That's why they're digging our bottomless pits and cleaning up our messes. If you were to peruse one of the "Help Wanted" ads for the gaming world, it would be a dark, desperate list of jobs so awful that no one in their right mind would accept them.

But somebody has to. And these are the worst.

Wanted: Fantasy Wench

Job description: Primary duties would include standing around looking completely comfortable in metal underwear. Must love shards of steel crammed right up the crack of your ass, as well as engaging dragons in fierce battle while wearing highly sexy stilettos. Cannot be muscular; applicant must be rail thin with a huge rack, yet also able to easily swing a two-handed axe with one hand. The other hand will be busy servicing Conan.

Send resumes to: Champions of Norrath, Untold Legends, Guild Wars, Soulcalibur

Suckage factor: Moderate. You get plenty of (impractical) clothing and free housing, plus meals and lots of exercise. It's just that you're eye candy for every drunken idiot from here to Baron von Skullington's tavern.