Aug 29, 2007
Forget everything you might have seen in '80s movies and crappy cartoons - nobody, but nobody batters and chops his way through a gore-soaked adventure quite like Conan the Barbarian. Kratos and Nariko might have swords on chains, but Conan breaks men's backs with his bare hands. For fun. While simultaneously having drunken sex with three chicks in jeweled loincloths. That's just the kind of guy he is.
The hard-drinking, hard-loving murder machine returns to videogames this October, and he's bringing massive amounts of tits, blood and limb-ripping brutality with him. How massive? We'll show you. Every Wednesday for the next few weeks, our exclusive videos will give you a glimpse of the most brutal moves waiting to be unlocked in the new hack-and-slasher, along with a play-by-play for each one. We're not talking wussy punch-kick combos or needlessly elaborate sword flourishes, either - like Conan himself, these attacks all cut straight to the bone, sending fountains of chunky grue spurting all over the screen. Conan's got dozens of them, and although he can get barbaric with any weapon he finds, this week we'll focus on the diverse fatalities you'll be able to pull off with his plain old default sword:
Wasn't that fun? You should see what kind of atrocities Conan can commit with two swords - and you will, if you check back next Wednesday. In the meantime, here's a detailed run-down of what you just saw:
Square, Triangle, Triangle (PS3)/X,Y,Y (360)
Watching this one just never gets old. Rather than simply running his enemy through or hacking him to pieces, Conan merrily grabs him from behind and, in a stunning display of wrestling prowess, suplexes him so hard his head comes off. Being in the WWE is apparently much more dangerous than we ever thought.
Thief of Bel
Square, Triangle, Circle (PS3)/X,Y,B (360)
Sure, you could just cut your enemies down with your own sword, but why stop there when you can steal theirs? Thief of Bel lets you snatch away your enemy's weapon, leaving him standing around defenseless while you use your new second sword to hack off his now-empty hands. Don't just kill - insult!
Square, Triangle, Circle, Square, Square (PS3)/X,Y,B,X,X (360)
Once you've mastered pulling off Thief of Bel, unlocking this move will let you follow up the sword-snatch with a couple of deft, fluid strokes that will leave your enemy not only defenseless, but headless. Just imagine the look on his face as what's left of it flies offscreen.
Triangle, Triangle, Square (PS3)/Y,Y,X (360)
Whoever this Bel person was, he seems to have had a thing for humiliation through disarmament. This cool little combo uses Conan's sword to flip his enemy's weapon right out of their hands, confusing them just enough to be vulnerable to a quick, decapitating death blow.
Square, Square, Square, Triangle (PS3)/X,X,X,Y (360)
In this curiously swordless, dismemberment-free killing blow, Conan grabs his enemy by the neck and slams him into the ground like he would a monkey. (Conan doesn't like monkeys.) Mostly bloodless, we admit, but still one of the least dignified ways to die on this list.
Square, Square, Square, Triangle, Triangle (PS3)/X,X,X,Y,Y (360)
If the Monkey Slam is undignified, Spinning Death is like drawing your final breath in a clown suit full of poop. Unlock this, and Conan will finish off the combo by grabbing the nearest chump by the legs and spinning him in a circle for as long as you hold the final button down. Not only is it a humiliating way to kill your once-proud enemies, but it'll conveniently clobber any other goons who stand too close to you.
Cleave in Twain
Parry+Triangle (PS3)/Parry+Y (360)
Conan is a busy man, and he doesn't have time to mess around. Dumb thugs who let him parry their attacks are just asking for a quick and messy demise, which in this case involves Conan tossing them into the air and chopping them in half in slow motion. See, this is why the only correct way to attack Conan is from far away. Several miles, at least.
Parry+Circle (PS3)/Parry+B (360)
This one's sort of like Montezuma's Revenge, except that instead of diarrhea, it's Conan punching right through your abdomen and yanking out your entire large intestine. This move was previously seen in Dead Rising, where it was known as "the entire reason for playing."
Parry+Square (PS3)/Parry+X (360)
Given how baroque the last two counterattacks are, Skull Crusher might seem a little disappointing. This misleadingly named move doesn't so much involve a skull being crushed as it does Conan spinning around behind his enemy's back, grabbing the head and separating it from the body with one clean throat-slit. Nasty.
Triangle, Square, Circle (PS3)/Y,X,B (360)
We admit this one isn't particularly gory by itself, but it's still fun to show up those haughty shield-toting enemies by snatching away the one thing that makes them more than your average Conan-fodder guard. Besides, stealing a shield enables you to pull off a…
Triangle, Square, Square (PS3)/Y,X,X (360)
Few things are more humiliating than having your shield roughly pulled away by an angry barbarian. One of those things is having that same barbarian turn around and use your shield to decapitate you in a messy fashion. Seriously, it's not even sharp.
While holding torch - Square, Square, Square, Square (PS3)/X,X,X,X (360)
There's nothing too special about this one - it's just a regular fast-attack combo. Except that if you're holding a torch, your final hit engulfs your enemy in flames - just like in real life. That is, assuming all your real-life enemies spend their days rolling around in kerosene.
Square, Square, Triangle (PS3)/X,X,Y (360)
Again, this one isn't too spectacular, but it's quick, hard to avoid and - if you're lucky - will result in at least one flying head and a shower of blood for your troubles.
Heavy Strike Finisher
Triangle, Triangle, Triangle (PS3)/Y,Y,Y (360)
Least spectacular of all is the standard Heavy Strike Finisher, which - once unlocked - you can achieve just by mashing the same button. Still, Conan gets downright nimble when he's pulling this one off, ending the combo with a leaping flourish that will send the noggins flying right the hell off anyone standing in front of him.
Parry+Triangle (PS3)/Parry+Y (360)
This is probably the most brutal one-handed move Conan has in his arsenal, and it only seems to work against the armored, broadsword-toting commanders that trudge out periodically to get hacked up. Successfully counter one of their devastating attacks, and Conan will grab his enemy by the arm and start hacking, with the end result being a sad little pile of horror that only vaguely resembles the tough guy who was fighting you just seconds ago. Gruesome.