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Characters we wish we knew LESS about

Sometimes, things are better left unsaid. Sometimes, our imaginations are enough. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss.

Remember Darth Vader? He used to be the epitome of evil, the most recognizable symbol of scum and villainy in cinematic history. Then we saw the prequels and learned the awful, retconned truth: “Annie” liked to build toy robots, wear pageboy haircuts, yell cutesy catchphrases and hit on his babysitters. The character hasn’t been the same since.

Unfortunately, this happens just as often in videogames. Beloved heroes, villains and childhood icons are constantly being ruined through unnecessary back stories, ridiculous revelations, annoying voiceovers, stupid sidekicks and more. Here are 10 whose full lives we wish we could forget, but never ever will.


SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

What we USED to know: Two things. First, hedgehogs can apparently run really, really, really fast when covered in blue fur and wearing red sneakers. Second, that Nintendo’s Mario and Link suddenly had some serious competition in the “favorite gaming mascot” department. Sega’s Sonic, with his screen-blurring speed and gently rebellious attitude, was the perfect hero for a generation of sugar-rushed kids coming into adolescence. He represented us, man.

What we know NOW: Too many things. First, that Sonic occasionally sounds like Steve Urkel. Second, that he has terrible taste in friends, hanging around with a zoological freakshow of other lazily named anthropomorphic creatures like Cream the Rabbit, Big the Cat, Rouge the Bat, Wave the Swallow and Cheese the Chao (?!). Third, that this supposed 15 year-old is involved in a gag reflex-testing love triangle with a pink hedgehog and a princess human. Fourth, that in addition to ultra quickness, he is also capable of entering storybooks and transforming into werewolves.

Fifth, and definitely most damaging to our sacred 16-bit memories, Sonic is something of a whore, appearing in whatever medium or genre is currently popular and necessary to turn a few extra bucks: party games, fighting games, adventure games, roleplaying games and even Olympic team-ups with his former sworn rival. Our childhood selves would be aghast.


PRINCE OF PERSIA

What we USED to know: A prince needs to rescue a princess, and he’s going to look incredibly cool while doing so. Forget personality. Forget dialogue. Forget convoluted storylines. All that mattered were the deviously unforgiving death traps standing in his way, and the gorgeously animated acrobatic moves he’d use to overcome them.

What we know NOW: The prince is a bit of a prick… and possibly a diagnosable schizophrenic as well. In the past decade, he’s burned through three totally different personalities, each more smug and insufferable than the last. 2003’s Sands of Time protagonist was somewhat likeable, but only after dropping the pouty playboy act and owning up to his mistakes. 2004’s Warrior Within antihero was an angry emo caricature, so over-the-top we couldn’t even take him seriously. Arguably worst was 2008’s reboot, a cocky fratboy type who spouted lame one-liners, dressed like a Final Fantasy reject and rudely interrogated his female companion while refusing to divulge any real information about himself. Considering his recent track record, though, perhaps we should count our blessings on that final part.


DRAGON QUEST SLIME

What we USED to know: Slimes exist only to be slaughtered upon your sword. As the first and, by far, weakest enemy you encounter in nearly every Dragon Quest role-player, they are perfectly harmless, guilt-free practice for any beginning warrior. Rats have fur, families and possibly feelings. Imps and goblins wear clothes, so might have names. Slimes, though? They’re just gelatinous gloop, no more alive or aware than a bowl full of Jello.

What we know NOW: Shame. Everlasting shame for our terrible, terrible deeds. Turns out those blankly staring, stupidly grinning gumdrops have more than mere names. As revealed by Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime on the Nintendo DS – and earlier by the Japanese GBA game, Slime MoriMori Dragon Quest – they have entire towns, governments and communities. They’re peaceful, friendly and occasionally heroic. They have children, parents, siblings and best friends. They sing in church, love to joke and say stuff like “Oh my gooness!” or “I’m blubbocating!” without a trace of irony. Basically, they’re the very last things you’d ever want to harm… and you’ve been murdering them senselessly since 1989.

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53 comments

  • axelgarcia1 - July 26, 2010 4:09 a.m.

    lol bridget. yea these guys were better off as simple, no background characters. imagine if they made a story for SuperStardust HD -.-
  • rohanbeviss - May 19, 2010 12:28 p.m.

    haha bridget
  • FanofSaiyan - December 5, 2009 2:03 a.m.

    Was the slot for Aerieth as obvious as everyone thought? Okay, here's another question. Does Bill Gates love money?
  • Coolbeans69 - November 14, 2009 11:42 p.m.

    lmao@ bridget
  • bugmenot - November 14, 2009 2:19 p.m.

    First of all, schizophrenic does not mean you have multiple personalities. Second of all, the Prince of Persia games totally don't deserve the ripping they get on this site. You guys fall prey to making fun of the same things over and over without thinking about them.
  • waffledragon33 - November 13, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    ugh
  • xenon - November 12, 2009 12:43 p.m.

    Who's the Bridget?
  • AuthorityFigure - November 11, 2009 11:10 a.m.

    I've been arguing for years that story and explanatory material in games is redundant.
  • alfonso.hdez - November 11, 2009 5:02 a.m.

    oh, and @Nodoudt Fight the powaaah!!
  • alfonso.hdez - November 11, 2009 5:01 a.m.

    c'mon, everybody knows the most recognizable symbol of scum and villainy is the Mos Esley Spaceport :P besides hitting on babysitters and building robots at age 9 makes Vader even more baddass if possible
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - November 9, 2009 6:29 p.m.

    Evil fighters ftl :\
  • Holywhippet - November 8, 2009 9:04 p.m.

    The Prince of Persia entry is a mistake - it's not the same Prince. Sands of Time is set some time before the original game and there is some link according to the maker of the original game. Presumably the Prince in Sands of Time is an ancestor of the one in the original game. In the second game it indicated that the Prince was the son of the rulers of a now ruined city.
  • AaronTheGamingGeek - November 8, 2009 8:21 p.m.

    you should have but cloud in there
  • Nodoudt - November 8, 2009 2:05 a.m.

    You forgot the Horde from GOW:2 That still keeps me thinking... reCaptcha: Good-Mintzor ebro
  • Nodoudt - November 8, 2009 2:02 a.m.

    You forgot the Horde from GOW2... That still keeps me thinking... reCaptcha: oates 0-0
  • Xeacons - November 7, 2009 9:27 p.m.

    Oh, great. Shadow Ryu. "Hey, I got a great idea: let's dunk the main character in ink and make you fight him before the main boss guy!" LOL! Love you guys!
  • redwingsrule19 - November 7, 2009 3:18 p.m.

    sees bridget: Oh GOD!!!!
  • mattdark - November 7, 2009 8:09 a.m.

    @adoggz - Amen to that. Bridget FTW especially
  • SuperReaper - November 7, 2009 2:05 a.m.

    Aerith was the only RPG-Heroine that died and I was actually dad for. I knew verybody else would adorn to RPG rule number 17; "They're not dead; They get reborn an hour later"
  • waffledragon33 - November 7, 2009 1:30 a.m.

    remember sonic no means no

Showing 1-20 of 53 comments

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