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8 characters you would never trust with your kids

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Parents like to claim that videogames are destroying our nation's youth, but that doesn't stop them using the Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3 as surrogate babysitters so they can continue having unprotected sex and squirting out more little toads that they won't look after properly.

With this in mind, it's clear that videogames and the characters within have a moral and social responsibility to our future generations. Basically, they all need to be qualified to look after our kids, and they're going to have to shape up pretty sharpish in order to meet our high childcare standards.

We've taken a look at some of the least suitable videogame characters, and what they need to do in order to make fit babysitters. Read on to make sure which of these social misfits you won't want near your firstborn.


Tingle




They say that one shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but let's be honest—if the book's cover says "creepy little midget in tight spandex will probably lick your eyes while you're asleep", then chances are good that you're dealing with a creepy little midget in tight spandex who will probably lick your eyes while you're asleep.

Tingle is obviously some kind of irreverent sex pest and should not be allowed near children, the elderly, animals and those recovering from invasive surgery. Some people just look like sex pests, and while it may be cruel to mistrust a man based only on his stature and dress sense, you can't take a risk when it comes to your kids. If you asked to look in the trunk of Tingle's car before leaving him alone with your child, nobody would be shocked if you found beer, a length of rope and a plastic bag full of condoms.


Kratos


You need patience, compassion and a whole lot of heart when it comes to looking after children, and there's something about Kratos that tells us he might not be quite cut out for the gig. It might be the lack of clothing, the chained blades fused to his arms, or his tendency to shout all the time. It could also be the fact that he's a mass-murdering psychopath who cuts open any unfortunate soul who so much as looks at him funny… including his own wife and daughter.

Kids are amazingly annoying entities, able to push the limits of even the firmest temper. We have a feeling that if we let our screaming, demanding, irritating little offspring within fifteen yards of Kratos, who doesn't even take crap from Olympian Gods, it would be a matter of seconds before we were trying to peel Junior's face from the ceiling.

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58 comments

  • kangaroocory - November 20, 2010 2:26 a.m.

    What's the origami killer from? I don't get it.
  • Millikin - September 7, 2010 1:32 p.m.

    You forgot Voldo from Soul Calibur. He has the scouts symbol on his crotch.
  • HeavyTank - April 22, 2010 1:35 a.m.

    ...knowing everything about Sonic makes you cool now?Guh-reat. (TO EVERYONE WHO MIGHT TROLL ME, I'M JOKING)
  • SumthingStupid - April 20, 2010 11:21 a.m.

    What about the clown from twisted metal?
  • g4m3rk1dd - April 19, 2010 2:31 p.m.

    now do a article explaining the top 7 that you want them around :|
  • Alfredhitchshot23 - April 19, 2010 2:41 a.m.

    F**K Tingle!!!!!
  • jakery22 - April 18, 2010 2:06 p.m.

    I would definitely trust Kratos with my Children. :P. I mean who would seriously try and do anything with him there. :L. No idea who jim sterling is (so i pretty much fail there)But from this article and what everything everyone says about him he must be epic. :L.
  • BluePikmin - April 18, 2010 11:47 a.m.

    I'd say two diglets per child would work
  • coolbeans - April 18, 2010 3:49 a.m.

    in the waluigi u said wario instead of waluigi...
  • lovinmyps3 - April 17, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    The Origami Killer entry was pretty damn funny. "We can't put our fingers on it, but something tells us that he may not be trustworthy." Ha! =D
  • DriveShaft - April 17, 2010 9:59 p.m.

    *shudders* WaLuigi...
  • Felixthecat - April 17, 2010 9:06 p.m.

    @HeavyTank & everyone asking who Jim Sterling is Mr Sterling is an awesome jarnalist with awesome jarnalistic skill's. He is also very funny and cool and I love him. In an actual explanation, he's a writer for Destructoid who used to live in the UK and moved to US. He know's everything about Sonic.
  • sleepy92ismypsn - April 17, 2010 8:49 p.m.

    i have got to play heavy rain.
  • Clovin64 - April 17, 2010 8:20 p.m.

    Sephy would be the best babysitter ever! Kratos would probably be a bad influence though. I wouldn't be confortable leaving my kids alone with a very angry bald tattooed man who wears nothing but a loincloth and a frown.
  • SausageLozenge - April 17, 2010 8:04 p.m.

    Gamesradar has gone too far this time! What give them the write to tell me who I can and can't let watch my kids. Don't tell me how to raise my kids! I don't tell you how to review games! oh wait...
  • linkganon - April 17, 2010 7:39 p.m.

    here's an obvious one, how about one of those soldiers from the metal gear universe. here's why, they'd be stupid and would be unable to watch them as somebody would sneak in easily and snatch the kid when they are not looking. next, colonel volgin is an obvious one because he hates capitalism, he might end up electrocuting your kids and act like nothing happened. and since sephiroth is on here, why not post raiden in his metal gear solid 2 skull suit. lol, not even a grown man (President Johnson) could determine his gender. last one i feel like mentioning is solidus because he'd kidnap and send your child to war, and your child would look a lot like raiden.
  • JimSterling - April 17, 2010 6:34 p.m.

    HeavyTank: Psst ... wrong Jim Sterling.
  • HeavyTank - April 17, 2010 6:05 p.m.

    Okay, who the hell is this Jim Sterling? I just read his Wikipedia entry, it isn't as impressive as to justify all these "OMFG EPIC" comments... "Jim Sterling is a television producer and writer. A native of Boulder, Colorado, Sterling moved to the West Coast in 1988 to attend Pepperdine University. After graduation, he worked at 20th Century Fox as production assistant. Later he acted, wrote and produced the independent film Gunplay (1994), a dark comedy which became a cult favorite through minimal German distribution. Sterling also wrote an article for the site GamesRadar."
  • EffinChrys - April 17, 2010 5:20 p.m.

    "Parents like to claim that videogames are destroying our nation's youth, but that doesn't stop them using the Wii, Xbox 360 and PS3 as surrogate babysitters so they can continue having unprotected sex and squirting out more little toads that they won't look after properly." All of our collective childhoods summed up in one drawn-out sentence of funny image-inducing words. (SQUIRTING) !
  • FartsOnMilk - April 17, 2010 4:39 p.m.

    Sw33t! Jim is a fine contribution to this website and hopefully sometime he will grace us with his precense on TalkRadar. Also if you don't know who Jim Sterling is goto Destructoid and you can read up on his articles and features as well (and I highly suggest that you do). Also, cocks.

Showing 1-20 of 58 comments

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