I was going to call this 'Games you can play one-handed', but... y'know
Modern games are complex things. Controllers and keyboards are having to handle more and more inputs as the breadth of things our on-screen protagonists can achieve grows exponentially. That's a brilliant thing, of course, as it allows wonderful variety and invites player creativity. But sometimes you don't want to be lasering enemies in the face while juggling kittens and twerking your on-screen co-star. Sometimes you just want to keep things simple and sedate.
The advantage of games that demand less from the player (in terms of both hand-acrobatics and actual reaction-based button pressing) is that you can play while drinking a cup of tea. Ahh. Nice and relaxing. Or you could drink coffee. I prefer tea, and this is my feature, so suck it up coffee lovers. Now, where was I? Oh yes: here are 10 genuinely great games--none of your crap--that can be played while enjoying a hot beverage.
XCOM: Enemy Within
Frankly, if you're NOT playing Enemy Within while drinking tea then you're playing it wrong. This is a game that lets you save the planet by introducing rubbery alien invaders to sizzling, laser-death one turn at a time. It's immensely polite in that way.
So, take your turn. Move your troops around, make your shots, go into Overwatch: whatever. Now, sit back, sip some delicious beverage, and watch as your foe attempts to respond. Ah, cunning move, Mr Thin Man. It's basically chess for people who don't wear blazers, have allergies, or call themselves Tarquin. And the best bit? Every level is still as tense and exciting as your average session of Battlefield or COD, because the game is so smart and balanced. Tea and tension? Yes, please.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 12
Sports generally require a decent level of physical fitness and coordination. And that's reflected in their video game counterparts via complex controls and intense action. However, one game that always offers a more laid back feel is Tiger Woods PGA Tour. Why? It's just so unhurried and sedate, all while retaining the depth and tactical demands of the real sport.
So, you don't need to compromise on the action, even if you play really slowly. Just smash a long drive up the first fairway, and take a sip of whatever you choose to drink (tea, yeah) as you watch your shot arc through the air. Curse gently under your breath as the ball settles under a tree, then think about how you're going to explain the extra-marital affair to your sponsors. Just have a quick cry on Oprah: that should do it.
Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright
While Prof Layton himself is a powder-keg of repressed rage (I don't see why you can't just sell me a sandwich. I have the money--why the fuck do I need to solve your stupid puzzle first? Just let me pay for my lunch! I'm not interested in which sack of flour is heaviest. I just want some lunch, you ass-hat! Look, either let me buy this ham baguette or I'll burn your fucking shop to the ground!), his games are both relaxed and generally interesting.
Phoenix Wright too, brings slow-paced gameplay that lets you casually slurp at tea while languidly tapping at the screen with a stylus. The Layton / Wright cross-over game is perhaps the ultimate puzzler for more laid-back playthroughs, so I recommend you buy a copy and go nuts. Obviously, by 'go nuts', I mean 'take it steady'. You don't want to burn your top lip by sipping your hot drink too excitedly.
Ok, look, I'm not going to pretend that Flower is as thrilling as drilling a zombie's face off in Dead Rising, but it's still a breath-taking game. And it requires minimal effort from you, the sofa-slug lazily waving a controller at the screen. By simply moving the DualShock a bit you can transform grey, industrial landscapes into places of wild, colourful beauty.
And of course that allows for some steamy, tea-quaffing action too. While one hand guides petals around the screen, the other can quite easily manoeuvre a mug towards that fleshy opening in the middle of your face. For Flower, I recommend a fruit tea, although I'm not really a fan myself.
DJ Hero 2
Are you one of the seven-or-so people who a) bought DJ Hero 2, and b) still have it? Then you--yes YOU--can quite easily enjoy the ambiance of a sweaty, testosterone-soaked, piss-stained night-club without leaving your couch. See, the easiest game setting doesn't actually ask you to use the crossfader or distortion buttons, so you can quite easily press the three face-buttons and scratch with one hand. The songs are pretty simple to play too.
Your other hand is free to do... whatever. Look, I won't judge you. Of course, you could use that spare hand to feed yourself bottles of overpriced, European lager to complete the nightclub ambiance. Me? I prefer a thoroughly civilised G&T when I'm smashing through a hardcore remix of Fedde Le Grande's 'Put Your Hands Up For Detroit'.
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
BioWare did a smart thing when it created KOTOR. While the game (and its sequel) capture the pace and excitement of the Star Wars universe, they also offer surprisingly deep, tactical RPG gameplay that can be customised to your own preferences. Having made it this far in the feature, you'll be aware that my preference is for playing while drinking. KOTOR has got my back, y'all.
The combat in KOTOR can (and should) be paused to allow you the chance for making tactical decisions on the fly. You queue up actions and let them play out in real time. If the fight starts to go sour, you pause and adjust. It can be done quickly (not advised) or slowly (advised); accompanied by beverages.
Ok, this is probably the only wanking joke I'll make in this feature, so pay attention. Bayonetta has an Automatic mode that allows you to play one-handed. While you still need to do quite a bit of furious button-pressing to survive, it is actually possible to thrash through the game with five digits. Maybe even a single finger. Just the tip, even. Happy now?
See, Automatic mode does all the movement, targeting, and dodges for you. All you really need to do is press buttons to perform attacks, until everyone is dead. Or you're spent. Whatever. Here's a video of a Japanese lady playing the game with one hand.
House of the Dead: Overkill
Zombie murder doesn't need to be complicated. Overkill uses the Wii-mote to make it bloody simple. Point, shoot, reload, sip. That's you, drinking tea, while Agent Washington curses his way through legions of the undead.
While there are plenty of Wii games that let you gesticulate with your remote while carefully cradling a beverage in the other hand, House of the Dead does it best. There's something wonderfully ironic about laying waste to 1000s of undead horrors while casually sipping from a Starbucks mug as if you're simply reading the newspaper or chatting with family member.
One Button Bob
It's a flash game. The name is entirely accurate. That's all you need to know about One Button Bob. Go play it now (and make yourself a nice cup of tea) instead of reading the rest of this slide. Don't worry about me--I'll just copy and paste some text from an old article to fill out the word count. Bonus points if you correctly identify the feature it comes from.
Better than that, its a fine desk unit. Its almost a bureau, which among desk-fanciers (Im pretty sure they exist--please dont Google them) is very much the Lamborghini of office furniture. Considering Dad is such a crap writer, he certainly has some decent tools for his trade. Also, he keeps a bottle of something boozy in his desk area--perfect for knocking back while he reads all those publishing rejection letters and ponders the reality of imperfect family life.
The Secret of Monkey Island (or any point-and-click)
Point-and-click games are designed to be played slowly. They want you to soak up the atmosphere, read all the dialogue, and pay careful attention to your surroundings. As such, they're the ultimate 'play with tea' games. The kind of activity ideal for laying waste to Sunday afternoons, and all those 'sick days' you take after drinking too much gin the night before.
Monkey Island is probably the best point-and-click out there, and worth lining up a whole box of Twinings to drink through while you play. Other notable series include Sam & Max, The Walking Dead, and Leisure Suit Larry. What? Oh, you were expecting another onanism gag here? Sorry, I'm done with them. Or am I?
Lend a hand
There you have them: 10 games that you can play while pleasuring yourself. Hang on, did I decide that headline was 'a bit crude' and give the feature a different angle? I can't honestly remember. Anyway, as is tradition, this is where I ask you to leave comments vaguely related to whatever I was rambling about here. Do that thing below.
Ah, still here are you? Thirsty for more features? Here's one about 7 Things That Should Be Awesome In Games (But Rarely Are). Not your (straightens tie) cup of tea? Here's A History Of Shiny Things In Games.