Sonic the Hedgehog hasn't got a proper girlfriend. Sure, Amy throws herself at him all the time, but Sonic Generations clearly showed him holding her at arm's length while she continued to struggle in his direction. That's one relationship that's never going to work out. And as for Princess Elise well, when did you last see her? 2006? Exactly. Her friends pointed out why what she was doing was wrong and she finally saw the light. She's asked Google to remove all mention of it. The results are pending.
So, seeing as time keeps marching on and he won't look this good for ever, Sonic has been attending speed dating evenings. In case you haven't experienced its wonders, this involves an evening of three-minute dates. If you like someone, you tick their name. Get a tick back and you share phone numbers. Simple. They say three minutes is enough time to know if you are interested in someone. Well, here's what the ladies thought of Sonic...
Girl #1: Put off by the constant quips
"You know that thing where you like a guy, but just wish he would shut the hell up? Yeah, that. He kept saying things like 'hey hey!' and 'Better luck next time'. I mean, I'm all for enthusiasm and a cheerful personality, because those things are great. But they're also SO ANNOYING."
"I think I decided I definitely wouldn't tick him when it got to the end of the three minutes and he stood up and said "Hey, I'll play with you some other time" and just sort of froze. The lady from the speed dating company had to come and usher him along to the next girl because he'd already used up two minutes of his time with her. My next date didn't know what to say - he couldn't get to his seat."
Girl #2: Put off by the rings
"It started off pretty well. I mean, he looks quite cool with those great big blue spines and winsome smile, but some pretty major red flags were waving as soon as he started bragging about all the gold rings he has. And then he said that if I was lucky, maybe I could have one. I mean, come ON we only just met and he's already talking about giving me a ring?"
"Sad thing is, when the bell rung to signal it was time to move onto the next person, the guy stood up and banged his head on the light shade above the table, at which point he seemed to drop hundreds of the things. It was quite awkward, really. Nobody helped him pick them up. By the time I realised and offered to help, most of them had disappeared. I don't I don't really know what I saw. The poor guy almost forgot his chili dog."
Girl #3: Put off by him being a hedgehog
"Is nobody else seeing this? This isn't a guy at all. It's a hedgehog. The kind that gets stuck in cattle grids or ends up squashed on the side of the road. I mean, I'm a girl. A human. I couldn't ever get with a hedgehog. Aren't there laws against that sort of thing? If there aren't, there should be."
"The other thing is, even besides the physical aspect, how would you maintain a healthy emotional relationship with a hedgehog? At one point, I joked that he was a funny colour for a hedgehog. It must be a delicate subject for him, because he curled up into a ball and didn't come out for the rest of the speed date. I can't be putting up with that. This evening was a stupid idea, I should never have come."
Girl #4: Put off by the speed
"It was the strangest three minutes of my life. He sprinted the four feet from the previous table and flung himself down into the seat, throwing down this disgusting chili dog onto the table, which slid off, only for him to catch it before it hit the floor and then sort of twirl it in the air before making it land on the plate. It was like watching a cartoon. I don't like cartoons."
"Surprisingly, he told me he likes speed and running. I don't know why everyone thinks running is such a great and attractive pastime. I've been on all the dating sites and everyone seems to list running as one of their main interests. That and travelling. Me? I like eating cake. But at least by the time I'd thought about all the things I just told you, especially the bit about the cake, the three minutes was up and he ran off to the next girl. I didn't even catch his name. Sanic, wasn't it?"
Girl #5: Put off by his friends
"I actually quite liked the guy, at first. But then I asked him about his friends and what they do. From what I gather, there's some kid who flies a plane, some boxer-type who likes jewels and a big cat? I thought he was teasing me. Nobody has a friend called Cream the Rabbit. At least nobody in the social circles I want to associate with."
"I asked him if he was talking about pets but he said no, and showed me a picture. They all look friendly enough, but, to be honest, I couldn't picture myself in that picture too. For that matter, I don't think anyone in the room would have looked right in that picture. I think maybe he should look for someone a bit more like himself."
Girl #6: Put off by his boasting
"This guy is absolutely full of it. You know what he told me? He took part in the Olympic Games both winter and summer for the past 8 years. I can sort of picture it going by his physique, but I think I would have heard about a blue dude winning medals at some point in the past decade. I bet they're made of chocolate or something."
"He also said he saves the world every other week. And that he's been into space. And he's a racing driver. Oh, and he plays tennis competitively. And he's into MMA. You know, he also had the nerve to try and convince me he's a time traveller and went back into the past to fix the future, and when he went forward to check, it was all happy and pink and stuff. The guy's imagination is incredible, but it's also disturbing. I think he might be dangerous. Wait, did I mention to him where I work? Oh god, I think I did"
Girl #7: Put off by his attitude
"You know, after the previous guy had got up, this guy Sonic sat down and introduced himself. I said something like 'Sonic the Hedgehog OK, let me just write that down' and started to write his name on the little card. By the 'c' I realised he was tapping his foot impatiently, and by the time I'd finished writing the second 'g', he was stretched out on the table, yawning his head off like I'd taken forever. It can't have been more than 10 seconds."
"I can't stand bad attitudes, but he seemed to think it is a positive attribute. In fact, when I asked him what he thought his best features were, he immediately said 'my attitude'. When I suggested maybe that wasn't a good thing, he said it used to make him really popular. Naturally, I picked up on the 'used to', but then the time was up and he said 'Better get going', and left. I don't think we'll be ticking each other."
Girl #8: Put off by his age
"I know age is just a number, but it does matter a little bit. This guy said he was out on his own as early as 1991. I wasn't even born until 1997, so he must be almost old enough to be my dad. I know he doesn't look that old (although it's hard to tell because he doesn't look like most people), but the thought does weird me out a little bit."
"I did actually raise it in the conversation, and his response was unnerving. He said "To be this good takes ages". And then he winked. I don't know what he was talking about, but it chilled me to my very core. I think I'm better off with someone closer to my own age."
Girl #9: Put off by his exes
"I thought he seemed really nice, but he got a phone call right in the middle of our time and I saw the name 'Amy' flash up on his phone. I asked who it was and he said 'oh, no-one'. When I pushed some more, he conceded that he and she used to date, briefly, but that 'now she won't take the hint'. So yeah, I suspect there's unfinished business there."
"Then, after the dating evening had finished, some of the girls were laughing at something on one of their phones. It was a video that looked like that guy Sonic was being kissed by a girl who was dressed up like a princess, with floating crystals or something. It looked like some kind of ritual... and he looked drugged. Even unconscious at one point. If he's an actor or something, then I suppose that's cool, but I'm not really into LARPing. And that looked a hell of a lot like LARPing to me."
Wanna take this party somewhere else?
Nah, you're alright, mate.